3 Major Walls That Get Between You And Falling In Love — And How To Knock Them Down

Don't be afraid, be prepared.

Woman smiles at man in foreground Martin Novak / Shutterstock.com 

For many, it’s becoming harder and harder to get into and maintain a relationship. You might even be asking yourself “why even bother?”

Between ghosting, texting, and swiping left, there seem to be endless walls and obstacles to building a new relationship and creating intimacy.

Before you cash in your chips and give up hope, let’s consider how to identify and navigate three walls to intimacy — and how to overcome them for lasting love.


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The three walls that prevent intimacy in relationships, and how to navigate each one:

1. The wall of chemistry.

One of the biggest challenges with chemistry is you don’t know if you have it until you meet someone in person.

No matter how hard you swipe or text, relationships and chemistry are built primarily in person.

You’re going to need to get within roughly 30 inches of someone to pick up their pheromones.

Then your body will decide if they are a match for you. We all know what a game of "duck, duck, goose" this is. However, from an evolutionary perspective, it works.


Life is too short to live without chemistry. If you want to overcome this wall, you’re going to have to go out and meet people in person and find out whether there is any chemistry there.

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2. The wall of compatibility.

If you’re fortunate enough to meet someone that you have chemistry with, obviously that isn't the whole story.

Now you have to find out if you’re compatible. Compatibility, at the simplest level, just means you like each other. 

Chemistry means your bodies are attracted, while compatibility means you like each other on a fundamental level and you have formed a potential foundation of friendship.


Here are some of the basic measures of compatibility:

  • You have similar interests and hobbies.
  • You live relatively close by to each other.
  • You have similar levels of time to commit to relationships.

You should not underestimate the importance of proximity. You can have a long-distance relationship, but that is going to be an extra strain on both parties.

Always remember that relationships are built primarily in person.

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3. The wall of communication.

One of the foundations of communication is the ability to negotiate.


Perhaps the biggest wall we are currently facing is the challenge to find people who are willing to make and keep agreements that contribute to the goal to become a team.

In order to get past the wall of communication, start by striking up a conversation. Two of our most basic and underestimated human needs are to be heard and to be known.

Once the ball gets rolling, the next hurdle will be being able to ask for what you want, and saying no to what you don’t want. 

This is where you will find out if you’re with somebody who wants to negotiate and build intimacy with you, or just wants to play with you.

There’s no judgment, it’s just finding out if you’re both looking for the same thing.


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Just getting past one of the walls won't be enough to create and maintain an intimate relationship.

Chemistry is great. However, for the goal of intimacy, take your time and see if you can build a foundation of friendship.

Compatibility means your lives actually fit together. Be careful not to try to fit a square peg into a round hole because of chemistry.


Communication lets relationships breathe. Intimacy is experienced by people who are willing to negotiate for what they want, and for what they don’t want. They are able to make and keep agreements. 

One important note: Avoid passive-aggressive people. They might make agreements, but they just don’t keep them.

The walls to intimacy are many, but they’re worth climbing. Look for chemistry, compatibility and communication. Make sure you have all three. Use them as the cornerstones for your future, love, relationship and intimacy.

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James Allen Hanrahan is an author and relationship coach in Southern California. Learn more by visiting his website.