Men Who Fall Out Of Love With Their Wives As They Get Older Usually Have These 11 Reasons
Even long-term relationships take constant work.
iona didishvili | Shutterstock Falling out of love is a unique and feared experience in many long-term relationships, but many couples don’t understand how partners truly get to this point of no return. According to a study from The Qualitative Report, missing out on romantic love — an experience that’s characterized by a number of traits, behaviors, and values — is part of the reason why partners fall out of love with each other, ultimately ending their relationship.
Whether it’s a negative sense of self, feeling unloved, or simply becoming disconnected from their partner, men who fall out of love with their wives as they get older may be experiencing a loss of romantic love. While there’s certainly a point at which partners are no longer a good fit for each other, it’s possible to heal and grow together when these subtle experiences are acknowledged in a relationship.
Men who fall out of love with their wives as they get older usually have these 11 reasons:
1. They don’t feel heard
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Feeling heard is the foundation of every relationship, but the strategies and tools — like open communication, planned dates, and vulnerability — that help partners actually feel valued and understood may shift and evolve as they get older.
Relationships, especially healthy ones, take work as partners get older and have different needs, so if communication or quality time isn’t prioritized, it could be one of the reasons men fall out of love with their wives. They’re experiencing a loss of intimacy that’s making them feel unloved, even when they’re constantly around their partner, by not having conversations and quality time that allows them to connect.
2. They feel like roommates more than partners
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While partners who feel like best friends are generally a predictor of a healthy relationship, moving past the point of platonic fun and intimacy into “co-exisiting” territory can have negative effects. Like psychotherapist Ivy Kwong suggests, the monotony and mundanity of everyday life can urge partners to feel like roommates, focusing only on chores, work, and responsibilities, rather than truly connecting and bonding with each other.
While the “roommate phase” is generally natural in the beginning stages of a long-term relationship, men who fall out of love with their wives as they get older may be stuck in this cycle, feeling unloved, underappreciated, and disconnected from their partners.
3. They stop spending quality time together
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According to psychologist Mark Travers, quality time in a relationship is all about being present and feeling a partner’s undivided attention. Of course, planned dates centered around newness for aging couples are most beneficial, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, but that doesn’t mean that hanging out at home or having a conversation over dinner isn’t a healthy version of quality time.
Especially in the face of mistrust, unmet needs, and resentment that’ve piled up over time, not having intentional quality time to express concerns, communicate openly, and show affection can exacerbate the consequences in a relationship and urge people to fall out of love with each other.
4. There’s a lack of physical intimacy
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Physical intimacy is a strong part of men’s wellbeing and happiness in a relationship. While they do tend to have more physical desires in relationships than their female counterparts, like a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests, the foundation at the heart of this yearning is emotional closeness and connection.
When wives feel unheard and emotionally unsupported, they may pull away physically. When men aren’t receiving the physical closeness and affection they’re also yearning for, they pull away. Even if men falling out of love in a relationship feels one-sided, all of these marital issues and conflicts are a two-way street.
According to relationship coach Christiana Njoku, there are some other reasons, outside of the emotional bond between partners, that could also sabotage physical intimacy, from physical ailments to busy schedules, chronic stress, and even mental health struggles. So, when men fall out of love, it’s not always because both partners aren’t invested, but because they’re distracted by a million other things in their lives.
5. They don’t feel respected
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Even if it seems like a subtle feature in long-term relationships generally characterized by emotional connection and intimacy, mutual respect is the foundation of a marriage. According to personal coach Marty Nemko, it not only supports communication and conflict-resolution, but a number of other personal experiences, from self-esteem to resilience and even feeling accepted.
When a man doesn’t feel respected by his partner, it’s not uncommon for him to indulge resentment that lingers as they get older. From being publicly shamed, to feeling unheard in conversations, and being controlled, they need the kind of “unconditional respect” that allows their relationship to feel secure and stable.
6. They're tired of being the scapegoat
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No matter what goes wrong in a relationship or what partners are facing in their personal lives, men who fall out of love with their wives as they get older feel like a scapegoat. Their partners adopt victim mentalities and blame-shift to avoid taking accountability, not always realizing that it burdens their spouse with shame, guilt, and responsibility.
Especially as they get older and their suppressed emotions and resentment around these interactions start to bubble up to the surface, it can feel impossible to focus on intimacy and connection — they’re too hindered by the unresolved anger of feeling like the perpetrator of all their marriage problems.
7. The relationship feels one-sided
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Whether it’s due to a lack of mutual respect, quality time, or shares of emotional labor, relationships often take an unhealthy turn when they’re not balanced, like experts from The Gottman Institute suggest. When one partner feels superior to the other — or, in some cases, more responsible for things like chores or emotional work — it can spark resentment that’s hard to unlearn without acknowledging it.
Men who fall out of love with their wives as they age usually do so because they’re tired of always carrying the burden, feeling unsupported, or even feeling inferior to their spouse.
8. Everything feels stagnant
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According to a study from the Family Relations journal, long-term relationships and marriages don’t evolve and grow without work — they’re not inherently healthy just because of their longevity. So, when partners aren’t mutually interested in growth, both personally and as a couple, their relationship can settle into a stagnant place where everyone feels unheard, unsupported, and unloved.
Like counselor Terry Gaspard explains, sweeping issues under the rug, letting resentment fester, and refusing to grow into more involved, vulnerable, and supportive partners can quickly sabotage the romantic love that upholds a marriage.
9. Their conversations lack real depth
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In addition to feeling unheard because of their partner’s lack of engagement or actions, superficial conversations that lack intention and vulnerability can urge men to fall out of love with their wives. According to a study from the American Psychological Association, deep conversations are how couples strengthen their connections and build a strong bond, no matter how long they’ve been together.
Even if it’s scheduling time at the end of the day to check in with each other, these vulnerable conversations can be the difference between a healthy, long-term marriage and a passive, resentment-filled one.
10. They don't feel any empathy from their partner
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Social worker Lyssa deHart argues that empathy, alongside mutual respect and trust, is the key to building a healthy, long-term relationship. While empathy tends to manifest in a variety of diverse ways — from open conversation, to small acts of kindness, and even talking nicely about a spouse behind their back — when it’s compromised by disconnection or resentment, it could be one of the reasons why men fall out of love.
At the end of the day, they just want to feel loved and appreciated like anyone else, so when their partner lacks empathy, it can cause more trauma and disconnection than seems possible.
11. They feel constantly criticized
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While expressing concerns and emotions, no matter how uncomfortable they are, is essential to a healthy relationship, a cycle of constant criticism without intimacy or support can quickly sabotage romantic love, according to psychotherapist F. Diane Barth.
Men who fall out of love with their wives as they get older likely have higher self-esteem and a sense of self-assuredness than they did earlier in life, which is why criticism and unnecessary judgment from their partners becomes much easier to recognize and diagnose later in life. Now that they realize it and feel its negative impacts on their well-being and relationship, it’s much harder to ignore.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
