Men Who Fall For Emotionally Unavailable Women Usually Share These 11 Self-Defeating Traits
Anton Dios / Shutterstock Finding love isn’t easy for any of us. It can be especially difficult for men. Often, they are taught that showing weakness or caring for another person makes you weak. This can make their approach to love different.
Instead of seeking a woman who will provide them with unconditional love, they may choose to pursue someone emotionally unavailable. Many factors play into this. It could be tied to their childhood, or they prefer to find someone who keeps them at a distance. They may struggle to have open, healthy relationships and favor seeing women who operate the same way. These men may have specific traits that keep them feeling defeated in love.
Men who fall for emotionally unavailable women usually share these 11 self-defeating traits
1. They have low self-esteem
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It’s no surprise that someone with low self-esteem struggles with dating. This is a stereotype we often see cast on women, but men deal with the same thing. If a man has low self-worth, it may be reflected in the people he pursues romantically. Whether they admit it or not, they may feel undeserving of love. They’ll pick someone emotionally unavailable.
If a woman is emotionally unavailable, she may give him attention when it is convenient for her. She may not be interested in a relationship, or she is already in one and stringing him along. This can be painful and further add to their struggles with self-esteem.
2. They have a need to chase
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Though we may not want to admit it, there is some fun in pursuing someone who is clearly not interested in you. Trying to win them over is the fun part. When a man is constantly falling for emotionally unavailable women, he may be doing so intentionally. This type of woman isn’t looking for love. He would rather work to win her over than to be in a true relationship with her. It’s a vicious cycle.
"We, as humans, often want what we can’t have. If you’re chasing after somebody who’s emotionally unavailable, it’s going to be a never-ending, dead-end chase, but that might be exciting to you," says Ashley Laderer for Talkspace. "There’s a lot of psychology behind this, too; it’s called intermittent reinforcement. There’s positive reinforcement that goes along with dating, but it’s intermittent, meaning it isn’t constant."
3. They have unresolved trauma
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Our childhood shapes so much of our adult life. If someone grows up in an emotionally unstable household, they may seek out the same circumstances in romantic relationships. An emotionally unavailable woman may be here one day and gone the next. This may be comforting for someone who had a complicated childhood. They struggle to form secure bonds, and being treated this way may feel familiar.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style may not be seeking a genuine connection. They fear forming tight bonds with others. This can lead them to pursue someone they know will never be available to them.
4. They have a fear of intimacy
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Men struggle with vulnerability. They are taught at a young age that showing emotion makes them weak. Instead of opening up, they are told to bottle their emotions. Boys don’t cry, and having any emotions can make them look weak. This attitude can lead men to pursue partners who maintain an emotional barrier between them.
Emotional intimacy isn't always easy. It’s scary to put ourselves out there for another person to connect with. If a woman chooses to keep herself closed off, it can be comforting for a man who fears emotional intimacy.
5. They lack boundaries
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If a man lacks boundaries, he may find himself taken advantage of by other people. He can let people control him more than he would like. If a woman isn’t emotionally available, she may enjoy having someone in her life who will do just about anything she asks. A man like this may have a hard time saying no to people. He knows that he isn’t going to get far with her, but he makes himself available to her anyway.
If someone lacks boundaries, they will put someone else’s emotions before their own. Although the woman they’re pursuing has no true interest in opening up to them, they will still make themselves available because they struggle to say no.
6. They are distrusting
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We can all struggle with trust. This can be especially difficult in romantic relationships. If a man isn’t trusting, he may prefer to have a woman in his life who is emotionally unavailable.
To form a genuine connection, you need to be vulnerable with one another. If she refuses to open up to him, he might not worry about whether or not he can trust her. The relationship doesn’t feel serious enough to him.
Relationships are difficult. If two people are closed off, it can make it feel less intimidating. Neither partner is expecting anything serious from the other.
7. They are afraid of being alone
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For some men, the thought of being alone is more terrifying than being in the wrong relationship. They may fall for emotionally unavailable women because they are looking for any relationship. He may not care if it is a negative relationship. Even if there is no true potential to it, having someone is better than having no one at all. It’s a self-defeating trait.
The fear of being alone keeps some people in bad relationships. A man may continue to fall for women who are not interested in having emotionally connected bonds.
8. They second-guess themselves
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A man who constantly falls for emotionally unavailable women may have a hard time trusting his own judgment. When they become interested in someone, they might start to second-guess themselves. Is she the right person? Are they making a mistake? By seeking out someone emotionally unavailable, they may find comfort in the fact that there is no future. There is no commitment involved.
Sometimes, second-guessing yourself can be beneficial. When you look hard at a situation, you may see things differently. However, someone who fails to trust themselves has a self-defeating trait that gets in the way of having positive romantic relationships.
9. They aren't in tune with their emotions
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Due to outdated gender norms, men can struggle to find a connection to their own emotions. Processing their feelings isn’t an easy task for them. While some men have mastered coming to terms with their emotions, others still struggle. By finding an emotionally unavailable woman, he may be able to avoid his emotions altogether. Men can find comfort in keeping their emotions to themselves, even though it is a self-defeating trait.
Men who have a hard time processing their emotions are prone to mental health issues they may not even notice. Instead of coming to terms with their feelings, it may be easier to avoid them altogether.
10. They are idealistic
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Women are often accused of being the gender that believes they can fix their partners. However, men are guilty of having this self-defeating trait, too. They may see a woman and picture their future. Even if she does not make herself emotionally unavailable, he may think he can get her to open up with time. He sees potential in her, even if she isn’t willing to live up to it.
Some men feel called to women they view as broken. He may think he can save her. This idealistic trait can get him in trouble in his romantic relationships.
11. They are self-sabotaging
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Self-sabotaging men set themselves up for failure. They may continue to pursue someone even if they know it will end poorly. There is a pattern in their behavior. They fall for the wrong person but can’t seem to walk away. They sabotage themselves in relationships. It could be because they are afraid of love or struggle with expectations. Instead of working on themselves, they may continue to fall for someone who is emotionally unavailable.
"People sabotage their romantic relationships mainly to protect themselves," says Arash Emamzadeh for Psychology Today. "Maintaining happy and healthy relationships requires work. Small steps at a time. These small but positive steps might not look like much; yet, over time, they make a big difference in the patterns of interactions and communication. And they prevent couples from unintentionally sabotaging a valued romantic relationship."
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
