Men Who Struggle With These 5 Issues Are More Likely To Be Unfaithful, According To Psychology
Knowing why guys cheat is the best cheater alert possible.
Alexey Demidov | Unsplash Most men do not intend to be unfaithful. They don’t go looking for an affair. But when they are struggling with vulnerability, what might begin as a friendship gradually morphs into love, and an affair begins.
However, some men might be more prone to cheating, whether intentionally or unintentionally. The reasons for their increased tendency to be unfaithful can be helpful signs that a man may end up being a cheater.
Men who struggle with these five issues are more likely to be unfaithful, according to psychology:
1. He has cheated before
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When you first met, and you confided in each other about past relationships, did he disclose he was unfaithful in the past? Is it something you have largely ignored, hoping things would be different this time?
Whether someone cheats once or many times, oftentimes, once someone cheats, it becomes habitual. For many people, cheating is a coping mechanism.
A few years ago, I was recounting my romantic life to a new friend. Throughout my story, it occurred to me I had cheated on every serious relationship I had had. I hadn’t noticed it when it was happening, but looking back, it became very clear.
I dug deep into why I cheated. I did so because I was scared I would be left, as my father had left me. I believed, if I cheated, I was the one who would be in control of who left who. If I cheated, I could get ahead of a man leaving me and causing me the deep pain my father's leaving me caused.
Habitually cheating prevented me from the pain I was scared of, but it also prevented me from having the healthy relationship I wanted. A study in The Journal of Social Psychology found "depleted levels of self-regulation increased the likelihood of infidelity."
I have been with my boyfriend for five years now, and the idea of cheating on him makes me sick to my stomach. Coming to terms with the fact that I was a chronic cheater and why helped me face my demons and be ready for a commitment, once and for all.
2. He's a child of a cheater
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My parents both cheated, and from the age of 7, I knew about it. By the time I was of age to have romantic interests, cheating had been normalized for me. It was for my siblings as well. Cheating was as much a part of a relationship as holding hands.
Kids learn from their families — both good things and bad — by watching. Watching my parents cheat, I believe, led me to be a cheater as well.
Research on the genetic analysis of human extrapair mating discovered, for a variety of reasons, that sons of fathers who cheat are prone to do so as well. Much of it has to do with socio-economic backgrounds and roles within the relationship of family relationship.
But some scientists believe it has to do with genes. Much like red hair or mental health conditions or cancer, parents pass down traits and tendencies to their kids through their genes. Perhaps, some hypothesize, that includes the propensity towards infidelity.
In my family, bipolar disorder, thyroid cancer, and infidelity have been passed down from generation to generation. (I am sure there are good things too, but those rarely get analyzed.) So, judging by my family, there is a definite probability that the propensity to cheat might be inherited, whether because of an example or genes.
3. He has impulse control issues
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Another sign a man is going to cheat on you is if he has impulse control issues. Again, while I believe few people go out to cheat, for those people with impulse control issues, the tendency to fall into an affair would be greatly increased.
I have a client who has ADD and struggles with impulse control. He tries to keep a schedule but gets easily distracted and does something else instead. He needs to stay away from gambling because he overdoes it. Ice cream is his mortal enemy because he can’t stop at one bowlful.
He is simply incapable of resisting impulses. Unfortunately, many of those impulses lead to negative outcomes like not finishing chores, high credit card debt, and weight gain.
When a woman at my client's office started showing interest in him, he brushed it off at first — he was married, after all. But, after weeks of getting to know her, talking, and flirting, when he was presented with the opportunity to take their relationship to the next level, he could not resist.
Before he knew it, he was in a full-blown affair with his co-worker. Much like eating too much ice cream, he just didn’t know how he had gotten there and how to change it. So, if you see your man has issues with impulse control, according to a 2006 study from the American Psychological Association, it might be a sign of a man who will cheat.
4. He is depressed and/or anxious
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When people are in bad places in their lives, whether they are depressed or anxious, or struggling with work or marriage, they often turn to vices to self-soothe.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all turn to yoga and meditation, and exercise when we are in a bad place? Instead, we often turn to booze, sugar, and physical intimacy. Why? Because the dopamine from intimacy takes us out of our heads, away from our struggles, even if just for a little while.
When you are having an affair, you are living in a bubble. All of the worries of the outside world disappear when you are in this bubble. Spending as much time in this bubble becomes hugely important because you are happy there. All of your worries melt away, and you can feel good about yourself.
Furthermore, intimacy produces dopamine, a chemical with anti-depressant qualities, that can last for many hours, as described in research from Nature Neuroscience. Therefore, if you are struggling with depression or anxiety, it might make you feel better, at least for some time.
Is your man someone who struggles with anxiety and depression? Doing so doesn’t automatically mean they will cheat, but it could be an indicator. If they are allowed to do so, they just might for self-preservation, if for nothing else.
5. His relationship with you started as an affair
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All of my clients who are having affairs tell me their affair partners are their soul mates. They have never met anyone who understood them or sees them, or loves them the way their affair partner does. In reality, you are just two people having an affair, in a bubble. This is not the stars aligning to make the greatest love of them all. People don’t like to hear it, but it’s true.
Every affair exists in a bubble. In that bubble, the troubles of the world disappear. Discussions about kids’ schedules, bickering about money, dissatisfaction, and underwear left outside the laundry basket just don’t exist. What does exist is love and romance and intimacy and secrets. How fun is that?
Once the affair changes from an affair to a real-world relationship, the bubble bursts. Lovers who once felt completely connected find the real world challenges their relationship, the one they believe was cosmically pre-ordained. And, as a result, the relationship falters.
If your relationship started as an affair, particularly if your partner was married and you were the other woman, then chances are good your partner will cheat again.
Unless he has done some serious work, once the relationship falters, a man just might look outside his relationship for comfort. Why wouldn’t he? It worked before.
After all, as the old saying goes, "If a man marries his mistress, he is creating a vacancy!" Again, while the five things I have listed above are signs a man might cheat on you, they don’t necessarily mean your man will cheat.
Many men don’t want to be like their father, who regrets cheating before and is determined to never do so again. Those who struggle with mental health or impulse control issues but seek proper treatment. These men are more likely than not, less inclined to cheat.
Take note of the above signs as you enter into your relationship. Any, or all, of these signs could be great big red flags you shouldn’t ignore if you want a long, healthy relationship without infidelity.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
