9 Men Remember The Instant They Knew Their Marriage Was Over
The relationship was done in the blink of an eye.
Mehrab Zahedbeigi | Unsplash We all want our marriages to last forever, and for some very lucky people, they do. But then some aren't so lucky. The warning signs can be obvious. It's when they forget the important moments — be it your birthday, your anniversary, or the important event going on at school or work. But sometimes, you are just not in the same place anymore emotionally, physically, or intellectually. It can also come down to your deal breakers; research suggests that these include having mismatched values, low self-esteem, and a lack of respect. Maybe one of you wanted kids and the other one didn't, and that was the beginning of the end.
If you've just grown apart, it can be a terrible thing to admit, even to yourself. However, eventually, the signs become too obvious and painful to ignore. Here's how to know if your marriage is over, from men who have gone through divorce and the process leading up to a split.
Here, 9 men remember the instant they knew their marriage was over:
1. She missed his birthday and didn’t seem to care
"I knew my marriage wasn't going to last when my wife missed my 30th birthday party. We'd spent the morning together, and she was supposed to drop by at 6 p.m. to a small event with friends. She didn't show up, and I knew at that point that I didn't want things to last."
2. He saw he was the only one trying
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"As soon as I realized I was never going to get her to put in as much work as I was, it was not going to be a fair split of effort. I knew time was running out."
3. She showed no empathy when it counted
"When we were sitting at dinner and she was trying to convince me not to pay my uncle the bequest my mother left in her will. I told her it was distasteful and none of her business.
Nevertheless, she persisted. I kept asking her to drop it, and she refused. I kept trying to change the subject, and again she refused."
4. She changed her mind about kids, and he didn't
"I had TWO good friends back in Arizona who got divorced because their wives changed their stance on wanting kids. Both couples married right out of high school, both ladies were very self-sufficient and politically savvy, and initially said no kids.
But by their mid- to late-20s? Total reversal. My friend said they tried to compromise by adopting a greyhound, but that's not your offspring, so there's no real compromise on that issue."
5. She stopped noticing the small things
"One day I purchased a button-down in the 'wrong' size — it was 1 or 2 sizes 'too small' but I didn't realize it at the time. I put on the shirt and realized how well it actually fit. My (then) wife hadn't ever told me I was wearing the wrong size clothing.
She either didn't notice or didn't care. Normally, this might not have been a big deal, but she had gone to school to work in a fashion-related industry, so she knew better."
6. The relationship lost its spark and never got it back
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"When the open communication, playfulness, and spontaneity stop, so does the marriage. Marriage becomes a routine when passion leaves the house, not the physical aspect, but the fun and naughtiness that goes with it. Communication and the lack thereof is the principal marriage breaker."
7. She made no effort to plan their future, not even their vacation
"When we went on vacation to a place she wanted to go to, and I didn't, that she was supposed to plan, and she hadn't planned a thing. Hadn't even made hotel reservations."
8. He avoided spending time with her
"I texted her that dinner plans with my friends had changed about 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet. It didn't take Freud to realize that I told her late in the game because I didn't want her there.
I had substantially more fun with other people. We hadn't been intimate in around six months, and it felt like the only reason we got together in the first place was some sense of loneliness, followed by curiosity, followed by personal momentum and dogged loyalty. It was a very bright, clarion call that this was not going to work."
9. She wasn’t there when he needed her most
"Upon return from a business trip, my ex-wife and I were in the midst of yet another argument, which had been fairly commonplace over the previous 6 months or so. During this time, my grandmother had finally lost her battle with Alzheimer’s, and my family was planning her services. I naturally assumed that my ex would be making the trip with me, but she indicated that she wasn’t going to, still upset at whatever petty argument we were having at that time. It was at that moment that it crystallized for me that this wasn’t going to work and I needed to put an end to it."
Aly Walansky is a NY-based lifestyle writer who focuses on health, wellness, and relationships. Her work appears in dozens of digital and print publications regularly.
