Marriage Will Eat You Alive If You Haven't Learned These 3 Things Yet
Before you blame love, make sure you've learned the three things that actually keep your marriage alive.
Allyssa Sayers | Unsplash I spent the better part of Saturday tilling, weeding, and planting a garden with my wife and our next-door neighbors. After so much work, the comment was made, "Wow, it's amazing how much preparation and time you have to take to get the dirt ready. Then you plant, and within minutes you're done." That hit me. I'm a creative guy, not a laborer, and after one look at the blisters on my hands, even my neighbor winced. But the truth is, that kind of groundwork is what makes growth possible — in soil, and in marriage.
We pour endless energy into the wedding — the dress, the tux, the cake, the guest list — but barely prepare for the marriage itself. Real marriage takes far more than romance and rings. It demands patience, communication, self-awareness, and a willingness to do the work most people avoid. Because marriage will eat you alive if you haven't learned these three things yet.
Marriage will eat you alive if you haven't learned these 3 things yet:
1. Get your money under control
Whether you're dating or have been married for 20 years, we can all get better at how we handle money in our relationships. Money is a tool. In our marriages, we have to be on the same page about how it is used.
It is critical that you set guidelines about money.
- Who will pay the bills?
- How much money will you spend and on what?
- How will you make decisions about big expenses?
Marriage counselor Cheryl Gerson cautioned, "There's so much to consider when it comes to money problems in your marriage: Is it more important that your wife goes back to work (and you two hire a nanny) or is staying home with the kids a priority? If one of you has a much better-paying job than the other, how do you divide things up? Should you each know everything about the other’s money business, or are some things private? And those are some of the simpler situations surrounding money and marriage. What if one or both of you have been married before, and there are financial responsibilities connected?"
If you disagree about a big expense, then wait to purchase it. Money (or the items we buy with money) can't be more important than our marriages. If you are able, take a financial class together to learn about how to be wise with your money.
2. Learn how to actually communicate
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Learning how to communicate with your spouse effectively is extremely important. It is something that we really have to work on; for most of us, it doesn't come naturally.
I suggest you read books, listen to podcasts, go to conferences — anything you can do to improve yourself on both sides of the communication process, better listening and better speaking, so your mate will understand you.
In a perfect world, couples would never fight," explains marriage counselor Janet Page. "But we don’t live in a perfect world, and people in relationships often feel misunderstood, neglected, and insecure, and any number of other emotions can lead to fights and disagreements. That doesn’t mean your relationship is headed for doom and gloom, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you're any less connected as a couple. But it is likely an indicator of where your communication skills could be improved."
3. Build your relationship on shared beliefs
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The foundation of a good marriage includes shared beliefs. If we get our identities from our past, our occupations, our families, or our spouses, then our marriages will be much more difficult than they have to be.
Family therapist Janika Veasley explained, "The chances a romantic relationship can withstand the test of time often hang on whether or not the individuals have shared core values. Whether it's respect, trust, or communication, couples in truly healthy relationships usually share these core values. These values help sustain love and create a relationship to survive by making partners be intentional and mindful of how they create the relationship."
Everybody knows the line from the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise says, "You complete me." Well, that's just bogus. I can't complete my beautiful wife, and she can't complete me.
We can complement each other, and we can each bring different strengths to the marriage, but I have to know who I am first (and so do you). And I really can't figure out who I am until I have an understanding of what created me.
Often, we spend more time and energy preparing for the wedding than we do preparing for marriage. What would happen if we actually prepared ourselves for marriage, not just the wedding? What might your "preparing the garden" process look like?
Stu Gray hosts The Stupendous Marriage Show podcast with his wife, where they encourage, challenge, and inspire married couples to have the best relationships possible.
