Chronic Manipulators Usually Avoid People Who Say 10 Self-Aware Phrases In Casual Conversation
Patrick Perkins | Unsplash It's not always easy to spot a manipulative person at first. They're pretty good at faking normalcy when there's something they want from you, after all. In romantic relationships, they may even love bomb you to get you to believe they're the best thing that ever happened to you.
That's why it's so important to learn how to avoid becoming one of their targets, regardless of the nature of your relationship or friendship. Nobody can avoid manipulative people entirely, and everyone can be a little manipulative from time to time. But the chronic manipulators, the ones who do the most damage? They don't like self-aware people and usually move on to another mark.
People who say these 10 self-aware phrases are the best at repelling manipulators:
1. ‘No’
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Sometimes setting a boundary is as simple saying "no". That's it.
As therapist Janet Brito suggests, sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do to protect your well-being, but you first need to know the signs someone is trying to manipulate you.
Once you recognize what someone is doing, you can say no to their request or simply say no to the conversation. No is, as the old adage goes, a complete sentence.
Someone trying to get you to take responsibility for their own mistake? "No." You will not. Someone trying to get you to do an uncomfortable part of their job for them? "No. That's not my job."
2. ‘I appreciate your concern, but I can take care of myself’
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Many emotional manipulators deliberately overstep other people’s boundaries to gauge whether or not they’ll advocate for themselves. It's like a test.
Knowing someone will tolerate disrespect makes them easier to control and helps them get what they want without confrontation or uncomfortable emotions like guilt and shame.
They may say they're helping you in a little way, but you'll know it doesn't feel right, so you can say something like, "I appreciate it, but I am able to take care of that."
Even though setting these boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, especially in existing relationships, the healthy people who are meant to be in your life will find a way to respect and support you and those chronic manipulators will walk away.
3. ‘I don’t remember it that way’
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In an attempt to gain power and control over someone in a relationship, emotionally manipulative people may try to alter past events. When they're really skilled at this, they'll spark self-doubt, allowing them to twist the narratives of conversations with gaslighting techniques designed to make you feel stupid oor crazy.
To combat these misguided and narcissistic behaviors, you can simply say, "That's now how I remember it" and move on. They may try to bait you into debating it, as if you could somehow prove that your memory is right, but you need to resist falling for it.
"I experienced that differently" is another way to say your peace and let it go. They can come back at you, but then you can let them know, "I don't think we're going to agree on how we experienced this." If they keep coming at you, it's time to walk away.
4. ‘I expect people to treat me with more respect than this’
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Experts like Dr. Tomi Mitchell argue that authenticity and a person’s true character are best shown through actions. However, a respected person also doesn’t mind using phrases like this to ensure their boundaries and relationships align with their internal needs.
In expressing their demands for respect, these brilliant people also recognize the power of empathy in leading. Even when using a phrase like this, they’re kind and cognizant of how giving others grace and respect helps them be better perceived and treated by others, as a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests.
5. ‘Let’s come back to this when we can have a more reasonable conversation’
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Uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, guilt, and anger can distort our reality in incredibly unproductive ways, especially when we don’t have the tools to regulate them ourselves. We feel activated or triggered and it can be hard to recognize manipulative behavior as easily.
That's why, when you're arguing with anyone (not just manipulators) it can be helpful to pause and agree to talk about something later. With manipulative people, though, it can be harder to set those boundaries. These chronic manipulators know this, which is why they may be pushing your buttons in the first place.
That's why people who say "Let's come back to this when we're both thinking more logically" tend to repel manipulators. Their trick didn't work, so they'll go try it on someone else.
6. ‘I’m not comfortable with that’
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Being honest and assertive is almost always important in life, but it's especially key when you're in a conversation with an emotionally manipulative person. If they can sense that you’re doubting yourself or struggling to convey confidence and self-respect, they’re going to take advantage of that to get what they want.
By using a phrase like this to set a boundary and communicate your discomfort, you can give non-manipulators a chance to fix their behavior before you decide to walk away. If they're not unkind, they'll likely apologize and work with you to figure out what you would be comfortable with.
Manipulators, on the other hand, see this as a sign you're not going to be an easy mark for their machinations and will probably leave you alone.
7. ‘You seem really upset. Do you need to take a break from this conversation?"
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Manipulators will often act mortally wounded by your words or even something beyond your control in order to get what they want from a situation. When you start to sense this, you can try recognizing their feelings and asking if they want to take a moment to regain composure.
If someone isn't manipulative, they'll appreciate the acknowledgment and either take a break or continue on. But a manipulative person may jump at the chance to start complaining or trying to gain your sympathy.
What's important about this one is more what you're not saying. You're not diving deep into their problems or inviting a tirade. You're not even asking, "What's wrong?"
If they start in on it again, you can take a break yourself.
8. ‘I see it differently, so let’s agree to disagree’
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Going back and forth with an emotional manipulator isn’t just taxing, it can get sink you into self-doubt. Continuing to feed into conversations that aren’t productive isn’t doing anyone any favors. A manipulator, on the other hand, doesn't care if the conversation is starting to harm you. In fact, they may be banking on it.
Using a phrase like this to “let'sstop and simply agree to disagree” gives everyone space to regulate their emotions. In the heat of an argument or a conflict, even the kindest people may say something unkind, so taking a break is often the best choice.
A healthy person will come back to you later and apologize or otherwise try to mend fences. A manipulator will likely bring it back up to test you out again. Eventually, though, they learn that you are not a good mark and they move.
9. ‘I see what's happening and I'm not going to participate in this’
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Many manipulators continue their behavior on easy targets, like the people in their lives with vague boundaries or who lack self-respect. They often think they're so clever, nobody knows what's happening while being manipulated.
That's why using a phrase like this is protective. They'll likely say, "What do you think I'm doing?" hoping to start debating intentions. If you want that person to leave you along, you don't have to engage with that, either. Simply saying, "I'm not going ot participate in this conversation any more."
Not only does it completely stop a toxic conversation in its tracks, keeping a manipulator from continuing to contribute hurtful language and behaviors, but it also sets the tone for future conversations.
You may not be able to control or change a toxic person’s behavior, but at the very least, you can control how you react and decide to protect yourself from it. And that's true when talking to anyone, really.
10. ‘Let me make sure I understand what you're saying'
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In many cases, emotionally manipulative and toxic people bet on the insecurities of others to weasel their way into their minds. By painting themselves out to be the victim, they can deliberately avoid accountability. Often they do this while saying something offensive or unkind in shrouded language.
However, many of the most effective phrases to shut down manipulators flip the script on this victim mentality. By explaining what you hear them saying, and even more importantly, what you think they want from you, you get a chance to address them directly and manipulators hate directness.
Asking, "Can I explain what I'm hearing to make sure I have it right?" is a classic Imago Relationship Therapy technique and can help in all sorts of relationships.
People who aren't manipulative will appreciate the opportunity to hear how they sound to you, and will either apologize or kindly re-explain. Manipulators will try to twist you up into a pretzel of what they call logic (it's not!) until they realize you're not falling for it. Then they'll usually come with an excuse to remove themselves from your life. And good riddance!
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
