8 Little Ways Marriage Makes Life Really Different
Alexander Mass | Unsplash Being in a marriage is a change that not only affects your relationship but also your entire life. If you're newlyweds looking for some marriage advice, you'll want to know some of the major changes that take place once you tie the knot.
Not all life transitions and changes are paved in grief and loss. Some are joyous, with reason to celebrate. Regardless of the type of transition you face, they are all life-changing and require you to become more accepting. Take marriage, for example — there are so many reasons why life changes after getting married, and each one challenges you to adapt to something new.
Here are 8 little ways marriage makes life really different:
1. Values will guide decisions
In a shared life, shared values are important to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner. When considering married life, you may want to talk first about what you each care about most — what are your non-negotiable values, no matter what? It’s a great place to start because some things should not change after marriage.
Research from Utah State University found that couples who share at least two big values are way happier in their marriages than couples whose values don't align. When you and your partner actually agree on what matters most in life, you fight less and enjoy being married way more because you're on the same wavelength about the big stuff.
2. Opinions will be challenged
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When two people share a life, differences of opinion become more important. You don’t want to compromise your values or principles or kowtow to him just to keep the peace because that will set a precedent that can be hard to break over time.
So how do you avoid butting heads over a difference of opinion? First of all, ask yourself a few questions. Is the topic worthy of taking a stand? Can you talk about it openly, without judgment, and consider both sides as though they are equally valid? Can you keep the emotional dial set to low? Is there a compromise? Can you default to "agree to disagree?"
3. Money matters more
Sharing incomes and expenses can become a major bone of contention, especially for two independent souls who are merging their lives. Where money is concerned, open conversation is required.
Research on money fights found that women who constantly argued about finances were nearly three times more likely to get divorced compared to those who barely ever fought about money. Money arguments hit differently than other fights because they feel way more threatening and stressful to the whole relationship.
It may make sense for you to set ground rules and boundaries around spending habits and tracking expenditures. Which one of you is best qualified to manage this? If both of you are equally able, what timing arrangement can be made to split the responsibility so no one is the Grinch all the time?
4. Family matters are a bit more complicated
You may inherit lovely in-laws, or they may become the outlaws. Now that you’ve joined forces in life, spending time with family changes. Weekend visits, vacations, and holidays become a decision that the two of you get to make together. Splitting holidays, separate vacations, and Sunday dinners with mom are all up for grabs. There are more choices to collaborate on.
Research following married couples over 16 years found that when spouses can't agree on how close they should be to each other's families early on, it's actually a red flag for divorce down the road. These in-law conflicts bring up really deep feelings about loyalty and who you are, and they don't just go away on their own unless you both figure it out together.
5. New friend groups emerge
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Each of you has single friends, couple friends, people you share hobbies with, and others you hang out with. You’ll like some of his — but not all. Same for him. This is a new season for each of you in this partnership.
As the old saying goes, you can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Trying to be friendly with people you don’t care for can become difficult and cause a rift. You may want to talk about allowing each other the time and space to be with those you care about most, without expecting your partner to tag along every time.
6. Alone time may be less
You may find yourself craving more of this thing called 'me time' because you don’t get as much now that you’ve entered into life after marriage. You may find yourself spending more time together at home by choice. On the other hand, sharing space with your beloved life partner can get cramped after a while — for each of you.
Being open about needing your space is a great conversation to have. It may pave the way for you to feel freer to talk about your other needs as a loving person in a partnership. Research found that couples who respect each other's need for alone time and personal space are way happier in their relationships overall. When you keep doing your own thing while still being close to your partner, you actually bring more to the table instead of feeling totally drained.
7. A sense of responsibility takes hold
This doesn’t have to feel as heavy as it sounds, but the fact is, when life changes after getting married, this sense of responsibility comes along for the ride. You each consider the other partner’s feelings and sensibilities.
Research on 628 married couples found that people who were really committed to their marriage were way more satisfied because commitment changes how you think about decisions. When you're truly all in, you start thinking about what's good for both of you instead of just what you want, and that makes the whole relationship better for everyone.
You may feel the desire to contribute equally, whatever that means to you in your particular relationship. The change is that you now have someone else in your life, and your choices and decisions impact him, too.
8. Vulnerability takes the lead
If you are being open and honest with your life partner, there is no hiding. Being vulnerable and bearing your soul are the threads from which your companion tapestry is woven when you are in a committed relationship.
You weave from one side, and he weaves from the other, allowing your threads to pull through to the other side and his to do the same. Gold and silver, silk and cotton. Smooth and nubby. Warts and all. This may be the biggest change you will experience, and it is the one that will affect how you show up for all the others.
When life changes after getting married, you will notice that you are changing from the inside out. You will begin accepting and adapting to life change, which is a very good thing. Make this transition one for the ages.
María Tomás-Keegan is a certified career and life coach for women and the founder of Transition & Thrive with María.
