11 Lies Men Almost Always Tell When They Want You To Believe You’re The Problem
wavebreakmedia / Shutterstock When in a manipulative relationship, men can use chronic guilt as a way to make you feel like you’re the problem. The truth is, they are harming the relationship with their own behavior. It’s easier to blame others than take accountability for their actions.
If you are constantly hearing lies from your partner, it could be that they are lying to make themselves feel better. Chronic guilt can break you down over time. They may hope that eventually you’ll believe the lies they are telling. Suddenly, you may start doubting yourself. When he says these things over and over, he is trying to take the heat off himself. It’s not a healthy relationship.
These are 11 lies men almost always tell when they want you to believe you’re the problem
1. ‘You’re overreacting’
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Everyone has emotions. When something triggers them, they are bound to show it. When someone hurts your feelings, it feels better to talk about it. If it’s met with dismissal, it’s harmful. A man may lie to keep from taking accountability for how his actions made you feel. He wants you to believe you are the problem to take the heat off of themselves.
Dismissive behavior can impact your self-esteem. Instead of getting your concerns heard, a man who lies wants to place the attention on you. He didn’t do anything wrong, he claims. You are simply overreacting.
2. ‘That never happened’
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Have you been with someone who made you feel like you were imagining things? He was likely gaslighting you. This is a form of psychological control that makes you doubt your own perceptions. It can be an especially toxic situation. A man may want to lie and make everyone believe he is not the problem.
He may start by saying little lies. Then, he will make it more extreme. He will try his best to make you think that things that happened never did.
3. ‘It was just a joke’
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A man who is good at lying may add a little truth to what he claims are jokes. Sometimes, his teasing can be upsetting. If he is poking fun at your insecurities, it will get under your skin. To save face, he’ll likely say, ‘It was just a joke.’ Unfortunately, there can be a bit of truth within jokes. He may be testing the waters to see how you react.
If his jabs are starting to hurt your feelings, you may want to bring it to his attention. If he claims he was just joking, but you feel like there was malice in his words, he’s likely lying to make you think you are the problem.
4. ‘You made me do that’
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Saying ‘You made me do that’ is a form of manipulation. It’s a way someone tries to control the situation. Coming to someone you care about with the things that hurt you can be hard enough. When he responds with a lie, it can damage your self-esteem. Trying to convince you that you are the problem and are to blame for his actions is classic manipulation.
Some men can be good at hiding their manipulation. Sometimes, it can be convincing. However, you have to stand strong and look past the lies. You are not always to blame.
5. ‘You’re always looking for problems’
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Have you brought something to your partner’s attention only to have them completely dismiss it? Instead of admitting that they did something that hurt you, they accuse you of always looking for problems. In his mind, you are disrupting the peace. He may have convinced himself that he is perfect and you are the one stirring up drama. By blaming the problems on you, he is able to keep the attention off himself.
By claiming you started the problems, he is trying to convince you that his behavior isn’t worth fighting over. In reality, he is hurting your feelings. Sadly, he is trying to shift the focus onto you.
6. ‘You’re crazy’
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This lie is a difficult one to hear. When a man is trying to convince you that you are the problem, they are manipulating the situation. He wants you to second-guess your perception of everything. When this happens, he may be trying to break you down. He is looking to get inside your head to protect his ego. It’s a deflection.
“Deflection is a common, universal, and unconscious defense mechanism, yet when used to an extreme, it can blind a person to the information he or she needs to be close to others. Almost like a force field around a person’s ego, it maladaptively keeps out the material that causes tension regarding who a person is and what he or she believes,” says Erin Leonard, Ph.D.
7. ‘I think you’re remembering that wrong’
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Sometimes, it’s easy for a man to place the blame on you by accusing you of having a false memory. This is the idea that you are misremembering something. Whether it’s a situation that occurred or a story, he may try to gaslight you into thinking your own memory is faulty. He’ll throw around the lie ‘I think you’re remembering that wrong’ when he is in too deep and wants to shift the blame to you.
False memories are real. They often occur when someone is in cognitive decline. If a man tries to convince you that you are misremembering, it’s a sign that he wants you to believe that you are the problem.
8. ‘It’s only because I love you’
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This lie is a scary one. It’s a way for manipulative people to shift the blame to you. He may be trying to appeal to your emotions. He is trying to convince you that his bad behavior is a form of love, when in reality, he is trying to shift the blame away from himself. It’s disheartening to say the least.
“When in a relationship with a chronic manipulator, it can be challenging to understand their perspective on love. Their worldview revolves around their own wants; thoughts of others only exist insofar as they help the manipulator take advantage of people around them. Love is not a mutually respective, intimate, trusting experience in these relationships,” says Jamie Cannon, MS, LPC.
9. ‘This doesn’t have to be a big deal’
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When someone makes a big deal out of something, it’s usually because they are feeling big emotions. What’s happening is getting to them. It’s causing them concern. If a man responds with ‘This doesn’t have to be a big deal,’ he is trying to convince you to back off. He may be looking for an easy way to shift the blame.
By saying this, he may be trying to get you to second-guess your feelings. He feels he can change your mind by downplaying the incident. However, he likely has bad intentions. He wants you to think you are overreacting.
10. ‘I wouldn’t have to do this if you didn’t…’
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This is a lie that highly narcissistic people may feel comfortable telling. They want to convince you that they did nothing wrong. Instead, you pushed them to that point. Narcissists are so frustrating to be around because they never see fault in their behavior. They know they can pin the real issue onto someone else with the right words. By saying this, they hope you will believe it and apologize to them.
A person who is good at manipulating a situation can shift the blame with the drop of a hat. If they have narcissistic tendencies, it can be more complicated. It brings tension that leaves you wondering what the truth is.
11. ‘My exes were all crazy’
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At some point, we all have heard a man say this. When someone has a questionable relationship history, they may choose to point the finger at everyone but themselves. They are trying to prove to you that they are not the problem. Suddenly, you find yourself having the same issues he had in his previous relationship. It could make you question if you are ‘crazy’ like everyone else.
Men who claim their exes are all crazy know that they are the real issue. Their ego may be preventing them from taking accountability. Instead, they lie to convince you that you’re the one to blame, just like all the women before you.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
