People Who Desperately Want A Happier Love Life Should Know These 31 Lessons I Learned The Hard Way
iwin | Unsplash A happier love life starts with unlearning some painful lessons about relationships.
I've dedicated my life to helping people understand love and build amazing relationships, but it started when I realized I wanted to know how to do those things, too. After all, nobody wants to be mediocre when it comes to love. I traveled across the country interviewing couples who had created the kind of legendary, epic love I wanted, and over three years, I learned more lessons about love than I ever expected. Some lessons came from those couples, while others came through my own devastating breakup after calling off my engagement. Here are the lessons I learned the hard way that can help you build a happier love life, too.
Here are 31 love lessons to build a happier love life:
1. Choose to love your partner again each day
You don’t just choose to love someone on your wedding day, and then you’re set for life. Consciously choosing to love your partner every single day is incredibly powerful. Nothing has the ability to take away your power to choose love.
2. Don't be afraid to love someone more than they love you
Most people never get to experience the love they dream of because they are afraid to risk being the one who loves the most.
It’s easy to play it safe and be comfortable. It’s natural to surrender what you want in the long-term for what is so easily accessible now. It’s hard to risk hurting yourself or someone else for the chance of creating something incredible.
3. Accept that love won't always feel fair
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Sometimes, we are just lucky enough to find a person who will stick by our side and love us even when we think we don’t deserve it. If you find someone like that, hold on to them.
4. Don't expect love to make you happy all the time
If you’re looking for an unlimited, constant supply of happiness, love is not for you. Love is, however, purifying, inspiring, motivating, and an incredible source for personal growth and improvement. Happiness in love arises from the progress we make as individuals and as couples.
5. Stop keeping score in your relationship
When you keep score in a relationship, it takes the joy out of loving and being loved. Suddenly, something beautiful and selfless becomes a source of resentment, guilt, and frustration.
6. Remember that loving well is something you can learn
Just like a language or a musical instrument, we learn love from the society and culture we’re raised in, from our teachers and role models, and from our families. Most people have average love because they had mediocre teachers (who, more often than not, didn’t even realize they were the teachers, or that they were average).
7. The simplest act of love is making and keeping your promises
Promises are the gateway to everything beautiful about love. They are the foundation for trust and commitment. Keep the small promises you make, and you’ll never have to worry about the big ones being broken.
8. Don't treat love like something you have to ration
Love doesn’t have a quota or a cap. What determines how much you give or receive is you.
9. Learn to love yourself before relying on someone else
Allowing your self-worth and value as a human to be determined by how other people feel about you can leave you vulnerable to disappointment and unhealthy relationship patterns. Learning to value yourself helps you enter relationships without asking another person to prove that you deserve love.
10. Don't stay in a relationship just because you're lonely
It's better to be alone and single than miserable and taken.
11. Pay attention to how you argue, not just what started the fight
Some couples divorce over the correct way to squeeze the toothpaste tube. Some couples grow closer together after working through infidelity. The original disagreement may not determine the future of your relationship, but the way both people respond can. Take responsibility for your own behavior during conflict while expecting your partner to do the same.
12. Create romantic moments instead of waiting for them to happen
Romance is more often a choice than an effect of chemistry or serendipity.
13. Show your love through the things you do for each other
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Love inspires action. Love is a verb. Love doesn’t wait. Love doesn’t think. Love doesn’t feel. As author Bob Goff puts it, "Love does."
14. Don't fall in love with someone and then try to change them
You love all of them. You wouldn’t buy a cat and then ask it to fetch and bark and wag its tail like a dog. Don’t choose a person and ask them to be something other than what they are. That is not love.
15. Look for someone who complements you, not someone perfectly compatible
If you wanted to marry yourself, you’d be happy being single. It’s okay to look for someone different than you. Celebrate the differences. They will make you a better version of yourself.
16. Set boundaries that protect both of you
Just like football, without rules of conduct, goals, out-of-bounds, and referees, people get hurt, and the game descends into chaos. It wouldn’t be fun to play.
It’s important to set rules in your relationship that make you feel safe and that encourage fair play. More often than not, these rules even make the game more enjoyable.
17. Let yourself be vulnerable with the person you love
Sometimes the hardest thing to say is, “You hurt me,” or, “I messed up, and I need your forgiveness.” Nobody will ever be able to fully accept and love you (faults and all) unless you first accept yourself enough to share your entire self with them.
They can’t accept and love a side of you they don’t even know exists. Being fully seen requires true courage.
18. Create a version of love that works for both of you
There are as many versions of true love as there are people who claim to have it, and you get to make up your own rules. Don’t play by someone else’s.
19. Give compliments freely and be careful with criticism
Appreciation and gratitude are rocket fuel for a relationship. Criticism is a cancer to love. The most successful marriages have a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions. Next time you feel the need to say something negative, ask yourself if you’ve said 5 positive things since the last negative one.
20. Forgive when it's healthy, but don't ignore it when it happens again
Forgiveness doesn’t mean the hurt goes away. It doesn’t mean you forget what happened. It just means you stop punishing the other person for what they did. Let go. Move on. Give others the space and freedom to change.
21. The hardest times create the deepest bonds
If you're suffering, suffer together. One day the suffering will end, and you’ll be glad you fought for each other instead of against each other.
22. Do something fun when your relationship feels heavy
Rough day? Throw a dance party in the kitchen. Have a disagreement? Work it out while in each other's arms. Don’t know how to dance? Learning something new together is one of the best ways to bond.
23. Love knows no race, gender, age, or religion
Love is the thing that unites us. We all want it. It is our common bond as human beings. Always remember: the person you hate has someone in their life who loves them dearly.
24. Don't confuse physical intimacy with love
This kind of intimacy alone will not provide you with lasting happiness. But it is an incredible complement to a loving, romantic relationship. Physical intimacy can deepen an existing bond, but it can't replace trust, emotional connection, and respect. Couples should decide when they're ready based on their own values.
25. Work on becoming the kind of partner you hope to find
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If you’re not prepared for the love you want, it’s unlikely you’ll be prepared to recognize the person who can give it to you.
26. Don't mistake wealth, beauty, or status for the ability to love
There are plenty of rich, beautiful, and powerful people in the world who are lonely, sad, and loveless. And there are plenty of people without wealth, conventional beauty, power, or public recognition who share extraordinary love.
27. Make time for the person you love
Show me how someone spends their time, and I'll show you what they love. If the way you spend your time doesn’t reflect what you believe you value, it’s time to either change the way you spend your time or change what you claim to value.
28. Spend time with couples whose relationships you respect
Having a good mentor, coach, or example will keep you in check and give you something to aspire to. The people and couples you spend time with can influence what you start to view as normal or acceptable in a relationship.
29. Give yourselves something positive to look forward to
It will keep you looking forward and not wishing for or analyzing the past. Whether it’s a vacation, a date, or a class you want to take together, always have something positive on your radar in the not-too-distant future.
30. Be empathetic when your partner talks to you about something hard
If your partner has something difficult to tell you and you regularly respond with hostility, they can become afraid to speak honestly. Both people are still responsible for telling the truth and creating a relationship where honest conversations feel safe. The way you listen and respond to the truth will reflect the long-term health and quality of your relationship.
31. Love can change your life
It’s better than money, travel, or pizza. It’s more powerful than wars and hatred. It’s more exhilarating than any roller coaster and will teach you more about yourself than any university.
Love will stretch you, break you, and put you back together as the most beautiful version of yourself. Love can give life meaning and purpose. Please choose to love more.
Nate Bagley is a marriage researcher, educator, husband, and new dad. He is the founder of the Growth Marriage Community and podcast, and his mission is to rid the world of mediocre love.
