Instead Of Trying To Argue With A Husband Who Doesn't Listen, Try These 6 Tactics
Arguing with someone who doesn't listen can feel like talking to a wall.
Manny Moreno | Unsplash Your husband doesn't listen, and you feel stuck, repeating the same cycles over and over again. If you're fighting to have your voice heard and want to stop fighting with your husband, the good news is that there's a way out of this cycle. It takes work, but you can do it.
The first thing you need to know is that most fights are about being heard. You know how most fights escalate: One person says something, the other person argues, and you go back and forth until you're yelling. The truth is, you just want him to stop and listen to you, don't you? It takes some emotional maturity to step back and implement some of the skills that can turn things around.
If your husband doesn't listen, how do you handle fights? You might be asking, "Why do I have to do all the work?" I get it! But the more you take responsibility for communicating in an inspiring way, the more he will want to listen to you, too. Then, he’ll be inspired to do the work with you.
Instead of trying to argue with a husband who doesn't listen, try these 6 tactics:
1. Calm down before you start the conversation
Take time to cool down, but don't run away. If you're in the middle of a fight, you can ask your partner for a few minutes to breathe. If the fight is over or you're in a position where you can't argue, taking this time is easier.
Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Feel the emotions running through you: the hurt, the anger, and the fear. Let yourself experience each one and identify what it is.
2. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid
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They are your emotions, internal reactions to what's happening outside of you. You have no control over their creation, but complete control over how they are expressed.
Research has found that telling yourself it is okay to feel your emotions when arguing with an invalidating partner is a self-validation technique with several benefits for your mental health. It helps reduce the intensity of negative feelings, prevents self-doubt, and allows you to regulate your emotions more effectively.
3. Name what you're feeling before you react
When you come across difficult emotions, be with them for a few moments longer. Seek out what vulnerable emotion is underneath and what it is protecting. That is your core feeling and what needs addressing. Many times, the underlying feeling is a fear of losing control, being deprived, or feeling abandoned or rejected. Tell the frightened and hurt part of you that it will be okay and that you are loved and cherished by yourself, no matter what happens to others.
Ask this part of you what you need, and reassure this part of you that you will advocate for your needs with an open heart. Once you feel more contained and feel loved and cherished from deep inside yourself, you can return to your partner with a calm head. You can now express your feelings and needs more softly and provide the empathy and understanding that he needs, so he can return the gift to you.
4. Practice active listening
Listen to what he says, reflect on what you heard, and ask if you got it right. Most people know this as "active listening." Just as you validated your own feelings and needs, you can look for his core needs and validate them. This goes a long way toward having the other person feel heard and calming him down. Once he is heard, you can ask him to do the same for you.
Active listening during an argument, even when your husband does not reciprocate, is crucial for de-escalation, mutual understanding, and long-term relationship health. One study argued that it creates a safe space for communication, which can lower a partner's emotional defenses and pave the way for constructive dialogue.
5. Be honest about your feelings and needs
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Now, it’s time to share your feelings and needs. Tell him you want to be heard without judgment, suggestions, or for him to fix anything. Then, share your feelings and needs.
Once you both feel heard, you can brainstorm solutions that work for both of you. This can be hard and really does take good self-discipline and understanding of your emotions.
6. Seek professional help for high-conflict relationships
It can be challenging in a rocky relationship where screaming and yelling are normal. This is where it's best to seek out help. As a coach, I can provide a safe space for one or both of you to share and teach you various tools, like self-soothing techniques, to help you stop fighting with your husband or partner. It does take work, but feeling mutually loved, cherished, and adored is worth it!
A therapist creates a confidential, unbiased environment where both partners can express their feelings without judgment. For high-conflict relationships, this is important for breaking down defensive walls and having productive, rather than destructive, conversations.
Valerie Greene is a relationship mentor, certified life coach, Certified NLP Master Practitioner, and owner of Vitality Coaching. She's experienced in helping women attract and sustain lasting love since 2005.
