The Art Of Healthy Love: You Can't Have A Normal Relationship Without These 3 Things
If your relationship has all three things, you're golden.
Neal E Johnson | Unsplash We’ve been together more than a year, but it took a while to really be confident that I was in love. I wanted to be, but I didn’t want to rush it or just say it; I wanted it to be for real. I wanted to get it right the first time. This isn’t an article about being in love, as what I’ve learned really applies to any relationship, including work, friendship, and parenting.
My biggest fear in falling in love was falling out of love. The guy I’m with is pretty much my exact opposite, which is always fun in the beginning, as they say, "opposites attract," but do they really stay together? The jury is still out since it’s been only a year, but I have recognized a couple of key elements that give me a hint that we’re on the right track to healthy love, even though we’re total opposites.
You can't have a normal, healthy love relationship without these 3 things:
1. Shared values
Just because we’re opposites in personality, skills, and upbringing doesn’t mean we don’t have mutual values that we care about and live by. In fact, this is a huge factor in our relationship. Shared values mean we’re going in the same direction, we’re chasing after similar things. Here are a couple, just to name a few:
Understanding — we are committed to trying to understand other perspectives before we try to prove we are right. Exercising humility, patience, and listening is crucial to really understanding others.
Curiosity — we both know that there is a vast amount we don’t know, that we could know. We are constantly learning through books, podcasts, and speakers, and sharing that knowledge with each other.
Peace — we both value peace over everything. Both inner peace and inter-peace. And, we’ve learned that only comes from managing expectations upfront and talking about difficult things before they become difficult.
Challenge — we chase challenge, the bigger the better. Whether in our health and fitness, our careers, or traveling the world. The bigger the challenge, the more giddy we get. We’re out to change the world.
So, you’re probably thinking … these 2 aren’t really opposites, they seem to share a lot in common. Well, shared values don’t mean that we approach things the same way. In fact, that’s where our opposite-ness shines bright. Which could be blinding — or could be illuminating, it’s all in the way you see things.
Research identified 24 factors of romantic compatibility and found that people feel more compatible with partners who share similar socio-cultural opinions, morals, values, lifestyle, and location. The beauty of shared values is that they create a compass pointing you both in the same direction, even when your personalities and approaches differ.
2. Complementary skills
buritora / Shutterstock
This is a nice way of saying, he does things one way, and I do them another. We are opposites in many ways; however, if you see it as opposite, you’ll find yourself in opposition.
I don’t resist or fight against his way … I don’t oppose it. Remember, two of our shared values are understanding and peace, which means I take the time to appreciate and understand why and how he does things differently (and often better) than me.
He’s a detailed thinker — I’m a big picture thinker. He does things 110% — I do things 80%. He never rushes — I’m always trying to beat the clock. Now, here’s the really challenging part of the equation. You can have shared values and complementary skills and yet still not make it in a relationship.
Research shows that while similar personalities create initial attraction, complementary differences help relationships last. When you see your partner's different approach as opposition, you create conflict. But when partners embrace their differences with understanding, they experience more satisfying and higher-quality relationships.
The last element is really the most important. It’s the one that you have to protect with everything you've got. When they say relationships take work, this is the work they are talking about, because values are innate and skills are developed before you meet someone…but this one is up to you. It’s your choice.
3. Respect
Before you roll your eyes or move on too quickly, please really consider how important this one factor is in any relationship. Starting with yourself. Do you respect yourself? How do you expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself and have clear boundaries … boundaries which you communicate up front, before lines get crossed.
While I do believe that respect is earned, it’s also given. You can cultivate a culture of respect in your relationship that works both ways, and if it doesn’t … the relationship won’t work for long (in my opinion).
Remember, this holds for relationships at work, with your boss, friends, and even children at times. Respect is paid forward, even when emotions may run high. Always choose respect, and you’ll avoid drama, misunderstanding, and creating cracks in the relationship. If you chase peace and seek understanding, you’ll be demonstrating respect in so many ways.
Research shows that respect is fundamental to romantic relationships; partners who express high respect for each other report greater love, satisfaction, and commitment. Healthy boundaries empower you, create self-respect, clarify responsibilities, and help you distinguish your own needs and feelings from your partner's.
I love being in love. But what I love more than love is being in a relationship with someone who deeply respects me. To me, that is the ultimate reflection of love. It’s the glue that holds shared values and complementary skills together when, from the outside, it seems crazy that 2 people who are so opposite could thrive in a relationship. But so far, so great.
Think about your own relationships. Do you have shared values? Are your skills and experience opposite or complementary? And more than anything, is respect the foundation that everything else is built on? I challenge you to really dig in and ask the difficult questions. True freedom comes from facing the truth. You can start today.
Lisa Cumes is a copywriting and strategy expert. She blogs about life, love, and how to make money working from home.
