5 Hard Truths About Preventing Divorce I’ve Learned The Hard Way As A Therapist
What works and what does not.
Jupiterimages | Canva At the end of a relationship, couples have reasons, excuses, and misunderstandings so diverse that it would be easy for the outside world to believe marriage is a gamble. One says, "It’s not you, it's me," or "We grew apart," or "I love you, but I am not in love with you," while the other has accusations, explanations, recriminations, and indifference. One is unaware, and the other is thrown through the door.
One story rarely matches the other, and neither rarely resembles the truth. These stories are the preamble to separation, the attitudes and mindset, actions, and inactions that unravel what might have been a sacred bond.
Here are 5 hard truths about preventing divorce I’ve learned the hard way as a therapist:
1. Relationships fail when you assume they'll take care of themselves
No one expects separation or divorce, but the United States has an approximately 45% divorce rate, according to the American Psychological Association, so there is a discrepancy between your expectations and reality. Forty-five of every one hundred of us, through ignorance or neglect, will exit a relationship, and the statistics say that second and third marriages are even more likely to fail.
We are so confident that our relationship is break-up proof that we spend thousands of dollars on bridal parties, the hall, food, flowers, and the dress. Not to mention the honeymoon and the house.
With such an investment at stake, you would expect that at the first sign of relationship strain, we would reach for the local therapist directory or at least consult a relationship article online. Not so.
Couples are slow to accept their relationship problems and prefer denial and distraction, so issues remain unsolved, and vital steps of seeking help and taking action are neglected.
Don’t ignore the nudge that something is wrong. Ask questions and take your relationship up a notch and into the therapist's office, where you can identify mistakes and make the necessary tweaks to save future heartache.
I don’t want to scare you with reality, but being proactive is necessary for a sleep-well-at-night relationship security.
We aren't complacent about our children’s growth and development or the career we have climbed to, so why expect relationship health without relationship effort? To help you shift your mindset about its value, try thinking of your relationship as your firstborn who requires time and gentle care and ultimately grows to be secure. This means prioritizing and responding to early signs of distress, answering questions promptly, and planning to bond and grow together, confident in the dividend of a happily ever after.
2. Communication isn't just important, it’s a learned skill most couples never study
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Whether money, parenting, housework, or in-laws, every couple's problem is rooted in communication breakdown, but how many couples take a course in couples' communication, review it together, stay up nights to know the material, and even practice their skills in free moments? As you would for exams or a promotion contingent on earning a certificate, learning the nuts and bolts of respectful, warm, and productive conversations ensures that your love life is on track.
Many couples neglect to learn the basics and discover the value of better conversations too late.
Better conversations are those that don’t force your mate’s agreement, compliance, and cooperation or prove you are smart(er) and can make superior relationship decisions. Think of the following suggestions as puzzle pieces in a picture of relaxed conversations, life problems solved, the confidence you can be open with your significant other (S/O), and the connection that follows.
3. Constant low-level conflict can destroy a marriage faster than major blowouts
Your heart and soul can’t survive in a relationship where you feel undermined and disrespected. Dr. John Gottman describes negativity as the following four actions: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He says these are in a sequence that leads to apocalyptic failure. If you do any of these, press pause, evaluate, and recalibrate. Those who take this step change the tone of their relationship with the following tools.
The stress of conflict is significant and hurts your health. With so much at stake, it is no wonder the body and mind agree to exit relationships with negativity.
Protect your relationship by practicing mutual encouragement, expressing fondness and admiration, solving problems quickly, and asking for help promptly.
Agree to strike through criticism and ask for behavior change, delete all forms of contempt with expressions of appreciation, deal with defensiveness by taming the ego that demands justification, and solve withdrawal and stonewalling promptly. None of this is easy or quick, so be patient and tip the scales of Gottman 5:1. For every negative interaction, a stable and happy relationship has five (or more) positive interactions.
4. Feeling lonely in your marriage is a warning sign — don’t ignore it
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In the early days, you hang on to their every word, remembering each tic and cute way of being mad or glad. So, imagine the shock of a relationship when your loving attention shifts. You have been told the honeymoon ends, and you must resist the demise of the quality attention that sparked your relationship. Your partner is not prepared for the disappointment of losing you.
Some distractions may be understandable as your attention migrates to kid issues, climbing the career ladder, worrying about sick and aging parents, or any of the myriad crises of 21st-century living. You can share these legitimate concerns with your partner.
Other distractions include losing ourselves in the relationship by becoming overly involved with each other. In a society that glorifies individualism and independence, researchers now describe modern Western culture as narcissistic, which includes a sense of entitlement and superiority that overshadows the needs of others, as shown in a 2018 study that provided "empirical evidence that sociocultural factors are associated with differences in narcissism and self-esteem."
It is easy to defend self-love, self-care, and self-gratification. Yet, you won’t be happy by focusing on your needs only.
You might discover you don't need each other. Your partner wants you to soothe, warm, and care, so resist the cultural bent and cultivate interdependence.
Love blooms with connection, and your lover needs your attention. John Gottman, quoted repeatedly in this article, says that on any evening, a partner makes as many as 100 bids for the other's time and attention. I can think of casual statements, "The drive home was awful," "John bought a new boat," and even a direct question, "How was your day?" that have been neglected at my kitchen table. These comments and questions are your partner's unconscious desire for a connection, so smile, mirror their expressions, and ask follow-up questions.
You might not answer beyond a grunt or be neutral or non-committal. However, what your partner is looking for is someone who is engaged with their life and interests.
5. Love doesn't disappear overnight — it fades when you stop nurturing it
This story might be the most heartbreaking. In all but the most contentious cases, unloving is disguised or suppressed, or replaced by indifference. Like every other divorce story, losing love began long before you knew it was happening.
If marriage is pictured as seasons, you will endure the loss of summer sunshine, the mellow change of fall, and the bitterness of winter. It will take continued commitment to nurture new life and return to spring. Attention to the following will assure a lifetime of love.
Love flourishes when harsh conflict and disagreement are held in check while acceptance and cheerleading are abundant. Keeping that in the background, stay close to friends and lovers by sharing your life, being open and authentic, and trusting and touching each other often.
Reta Faye Walker is a therapist who specializes in healing relationships. She offers one-on-one sessions, couples retreats, and courses to help couples get back on track.
