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A good man is hard to find.
By Laura Lifshitz — Last updated on Dec 12, 2023
There are no rules as to what makes a happy relationship since we all need different things. There are, however, signs of a healthy relationship and there are certain things a good man won’t do if he’s in one.
We all have specific things we view as tolerable that may not be tolerable for another person, but there are key traits that don’t belong in a healthy relationship. Many women who are in toxic relationships tend to judge “per action,” meaning if a guy does something right, it seems to cancel out the wrong, but it doesn't work like that.
Here are 10 things good men will never do in a healthy relationship.
1. He won't hold your past against you.
A man in a healthy relationship making healthy choices will never fling your past in your face. He won’t beat you down with your past mistakes. He won’t judge you with fire and brimstone for who you were before you met him.
He sees you for who you are today and fully accepts that you had a life before him. But he feels lucky that he has you in his life now.
2. He won't put you second.
There are times you need to be put second to his family, himself, and his kids if he’s got them, but a man in a healthy relationship will find a way to make you a priority. When a man makes his wife or girlfriend a priority, he is showing her that he is committed to the relationship.
If you find yourself in the metaphorical backseat to his friends or other individuals constantly, it’s not a good thing. It indicates that this man isn't quite right for you.
3. He won't shame you for your desires or preferences.
If your guy gives you crap about not wanting to perform certain physical acts or shames you for wanting certain things in the bed, this is not a healthy relationship. Consider this an indicator to leave the relationship and find a man who will treat you right.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. Are your preferences destructive to your relationship or to yourself? If so, he has the right to say no. Are you shutting him down physically all the time? If so, the issue may reside with you.
4. He won't expect you to fulfill all of his fantasies.
Obviously, we would all love a partner who wants to act out our every fantasy and desire, but that’s not reality. Every person is different, and they may not be comfortable following through on certain requests.
A man in a healthy relationship will not expect you to act like an adult film star, but as a human with equal say on the kind of intimate life you two have together.
5. He won't belittle or talk down to you.
A good man respectfully addresses you, even when he is mad. He makes it a point to always treat his woman civility and admiration, and will never raise his voice or throw insults.
A man who talks down to you or speaks to you with a lack of respect is not what you need. In fact, a man who does this is the perfect example of a toxic relationship.
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6. He won't withdraw from you emotionally as punishment.
Sure, from time to time your man will withdraw to his “man cave” if he's feeling stressed or upset. A healthy man will then approach you when he's ready to talk.
But a man who is unhealthy will withdraw from you coldly as punishment, without saying why. He will limit your ability to reach him in a healthy manner for possibly days or weeks.
When it hurts so bad, you know he’s retreated as punishment. If you are feeling concerned but know he’s working through something at the moment, it’s healthy.
7. He won't discount your feelings.
Does he tell you how you overreact or are sensitive all the time? Are all of your feelings invalidated? Does he make you feel like you're wrong for emoting in a certain way?
A good man in a healthy relationship will not discount your feelings constantly, making you feel as if there is something wrong with you. Instead, he will lead with compassion and comfort you.
8. He won't make fun of you in front of friends.
There is teasing, but then there is malicious commentary. While there's nothing wrong with innocent jokes, there's a staunch line between funny and offensive, especially if he makes those jabs in front of friends, adding another layer to humiliation.
The guy that pokes at you, your job, or your clothes in front of a group of his buddies is a jerk and a masochist. Dump him.
9. He won't avoid soothing your fears or insecurities.
A good man will help you confront your fears after a fight the two of you had, or a bad situation or event that unsettled you. He will go out of his way to make you feel safe and emotionally secure.
The unhealthy man doesn’t have time to make you feel better, nor does he care why you’re upset. He only cares about himself and what he wants.
10. He won't be selfish.
A good man can give back without being selfish. He wants to give you his all. He wants to be his best self and make you happy.
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In an unhealthy relationship, a man will take without giving back and won't apologize for it. And even if he does apologize, he won’t change his behavior and will most likely take, again and again and again. Don't fall for it.
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Laura Lifshitz is a former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate currently writing about divorce, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, and marriage. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Working Mother, PopSugar, and more.