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A sprinkle of this, a sprig of that, and a dash of destiny.
By Carter Gaddis — Written on May 14, 2023
Let's talk about particle physics. Wait, what? You thought this was an article about compatibility in a love relationship, didn't you?
And you're right. It is. There are certain "ingredients" that, when tossed together into the pot of relationships, enable you to whip up a succulent stew of romance.
But first ... physics. After all, what's a stew without a little math-fueled heat? It's nothing but cold soup, that's what.
And when it comes to particle physics and love, nothing holds a candle to the classic Love Equation derived almost a century ago by British theoretical physicist Paul Dirac, aka Dr. Love.
OK, Dirac was not actually known as Dr. Love. Contemporaneous accounts described him as kind of a stick-in-the-mud. But he did come up with a mathematical formula to represent the interconnectedness of electrons and other quantum particles like quarks (don't ask).
This is his magical, mystical love equation: (i∂+m)Φ=0. It shows without a doubt how electrons continue to influence the actions of other particles — even when they're separated. You see it, right? The simplicity? The profundity? The compatibility of it all?
No? Well, there's a decent chance you have seen that very formula depicted as a tattoo that is supposed to draw a parallel between the concept of quantum entanglement (again, don't ask) and the emotional connection between humans popularly known as romantic love.
Now, if this parallel seems a little ... sketchy, that's because it is. A quick-and-dirty fact check by the Australian Associated Press debunked the association of Dirac's equation and human love as "essentially nonsense."
That might seem like bad news if you have a Love Equation tattooed somewhere on your body as a symbol of your enduring compatibility with your romantic partner. But listen ... so what? The beauty and majesty of romantic love is that it is indefinable. Which means we get to choose our own recipe for success.
To that end, we surveyed a panel of YourTango Experts to find an answer to the question, What are the rare ingredients that couples need to be compatible?
Oddly, none of them mentioned quantum physics or the Dirac equation. But their insightful responses are below, so get cooking.
Here are three rare compatibilities of the most successful couples:
1. Opposite (but complementary) character traits
The secret to making a life-long match is finding a partner with an opposite temperament: for example, impulsive and controlled, or easy-going and anxious.
- Rachel Greenwald, matchmaker training professor, the Love MBA
2. A smorgasbord of strong interpersonal connections
The recipe for a truly compatible couple is a special one. It requires a dash of love, a pinch of respect, a sprinkle of trust, and a heaping helping of patience. Oh, and don't forget a good sense of humor and a willingness to compromise. Mix it all together with care, and you'll have a recipe for a long-lasting, happy relationship.
- Clare Waismann, M-RAS/SUDCC II, founder of the Waismann Method and Domus Retreat
3. The ability and willingness to heal one another
We know we need to find someone with common interests and values, but what is equally important is to find someone whose trauma is compatible with your trauma.
People are often told they need to heal before they can find love. This is completely unrealistic because most of us are in a perpetual state of healing. Life is full of things that hurt us. Finding someone who isn’t healing from something is unrealistic but finding someone whose trauma is compatible with your trauma will escalate your healing process.
If I grew up with parents who were never there I might have insecurities and abandonment issues. I might often lean on my partner and come across as a bit needy. But perhaps my partner lost their mother to cancer and felt helpless. Maybe showing up to comfort his partner helps him to heal the part of himself that couldn’t show up for his mother.
We can heal each other when our trauma is compatible. Likewise, if I grew up with an overbearing mother who constantly needed me to help her in some way It might be my own personal hell to end up with someone needy.
- Erika Jordan, love coach, NLP practitioner
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Carter Gaddis is the senior editor for Experts & Wellness with YourTango.