Esther Perel Exposes The Hidden Lie We All Believe About 'Good Relationships'
The world's most famous relationship therapist reveals the quiet myth that shapes our expectations.
Brandon Russell | Unsplash They say opposites attract, but after the initial interest, many couples that have differing ideas and opinions about life find themselves embroiled in conflict over time. Those disagreements can keep partners ‘stuck’ and eventually lead to the demise of the relationship, or if they are lucky, a workable resolution.
Leading relationship expert Esther Perel believes there is a root cause of the conflicts keeping couples locked in battle with one another: polarity.
She says that if partners could each just rid themselves of one damaging and destructive belief, they might achieve a sense of peace together.
Research in couple dynamics strongly supports the idea that polarization and rigid 'either/or' thinking can trap partners in destructive conflict. According to polarization theory, demanding and withdrawing behaviors become increasingly entrenched in highly distressed couples over time, narrowing their behavioral repertoire and making it harder for spouses to productively engage with one another
In the video uploaded to Perel's TikTok page, she shared a clip captioned, “Polarity in couples can become quite an intense dynamic — especially on the big issues and decisions. As we each dig our heels in further, we actually reinforce the opposing viewpoint of our partner rather than create opportunity for alignment.”
The video started with a woman in the audience asking Perel how she and her partner, who are polar opposites, “How do our brains hold paradox when two things can be true simultaneously?” She wanted to understand how each person in the relationship can understand that in order for them to be right, the other person does not have to be wrong.
“The best way to hold opposites is to actually never believe that you are right,” said Perel. When it comes to the questions couples ask about whether or not to have children, where to live, and other important matters, one person might have a certain point of view while their partner has the opposing perspective.
According to Perel, it’s easy to assume that if a person believes one way, they are 100% committed to their position and in need of a roadmap to resolution. She offers that when considering things alone, a person must hold both sides of an argument. They have to consider the benefits along with the risks, and when engaging with a mate, take the same considerations.
But in a relationship, those discussions become “I feel this way. You feel that way.” Each mate latches on to their perspective and holds tight, refusing to let go or compromise. Perel explains that “In a relationship, we outsource the part of our dilemma that we don’t want to hold, and that is polarization.
Perel says get unstuck in a stubborn battle with your partner, take their position.
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“One of the best ways to hold is to actually take the position of the other person,” says Perel. By doing so, you take on the aspects of the argument that your partner is speaking to and automatically cause them to soften and be willing to do the same.
When both of you can see each other’s point of view — or at least the ability to truly ‘hear’ your partner, the walls come down and both of you are free to be more vulnerable and compromising with one another.
Active listening and acknowledgment can stop an argument with your partner in its tracks, Perel explains.
Conflicts between people who love each other are rarely about who is right or wrong. It’s not about winning or losing a fight, but rather being heard and validated, then coming up with a resolution both of you can live with. The real problems arise when people are listening to respond instead of listening to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
Some phrases that can diffuse an intense disagreement are “Yes, I heard you,” “That is your opinion, and I am in no position to tell you that it’s wrong”, or “You have a valid point”. All of these phrases acknowledge what your partner has said without making them feel defensive or offering a counterpoint because you feel defensive.
With two different individuals in every relationship, misunderstandings and conflict are unavoidable. When they do arise, both people must understand the end goal, the resolution. Communicating effectively and with love and compassion is one of the best ways to make sure your relationship can stand the test of time.
When couples learn to hold space for multiple truths, they discover that they can honor their own needs and feelings while simultaneously validating their partner's experience. Research shows that opposing perspectives and embracing paradoxes are associated with greater well-being and more effective problem-solving in interpersonal relationships.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
