These 7 Easy-Peasy Dating Rules Helped Me Find A Genuinely Incredible Man
Dean Drobot | Canva Against all odds, I am currently engaged to be married. This was not on my lifetime Bingo card. For one, a mere six years ago, I had a severe dissociative disorder that left me incapable of feeling much of anything, including committed love. For another, as a woman who makes a good living, owns her own house, and values her autonomy, I wasn’t about to share my life with just anyone.
I went on hundreds of dates before I found a man with whom I could picture a future — because he proved that he could make my future better, not worse. Statistically, women are outpacing men in almost every area, so more women than ever feel like marriage isn’t worth the hassle.
In the 52 years since we could open bank accounts without male co-signers, women now outperform men in education, investments, and homeownership. And yet, in straight relationships, we still end up doing the lion’s share of domestic and emotional labor.
Yes, even when we’re the breadwinners. Women are also more likely to go to therapy to improve their communication skills, mental health, and emotional intelligence (I spent three years in EMDR healing my dissociation and becoming the best version of myself I could be), so we often end up compensating for our partners in those areas, too.
No, thank you. I held out until I found a man who was actually capable of reciprocating. These are the seven easy-peasy rules I followed while dating to filter out the incompatible guys and find a genuinely incredible man worth marrying.
These are the easy dating rules that helped me find a genuinely incredible man:
1. One strike, you’re out
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This is now called “The Burned Haystack Dating Method,” as popularized by Jennie Young in her new book Burn The Haystack. In short, if you want to find the needle, you need to burn through all the hay as fast as physically possible, but this book wasn’t out when I was dating. I just called it “One strike, you’re out.”
“Socially and psychologically, women have been programmed to see potential, to give everyone the benefit of the doubt,” Young said. “We don’t have to do any of that, and we shouldn’t. It’s not safe.”
Young argues that abusive or manipulative men will test your boundaries with seemingly minor infractions before their behavior inevitably gets worse, so as soon as they exhibit one red flag, they gotta go.
What constitutes a red flag? Negging, entitlement, misogyny, unsolicited explicit comments or pics, trash-talking their exes, low effort, boundary-testing language, demanding credit for basic decency, and any of these narcissism giveaways, just to name a few. Since reliability is extremely important to me, I also ruled guys out as soon as they bailed or showed up late.
2. I led with my baggage and expectations
Before meeting up with a guy, I told him three things:
- I’m in intensive trauma therapy for a dissociative disorder.
- I do not want children.
- I’m looking for an equal partner.
Some people might think that’s a little too blunt for a first introduction. I don’t care. Again, my goal was to weed out anyone who wasn’t a good fit, and these three tidbits of information did exactly that.
First, it ensured that our lifestyles and aspirations were aligned, so no one wasted any time. Second, their reactions told me everything I needed to know about their political, social, and psychological beliefs.
Even if their profiles said “non-political,” the conservative men couldn’t miss this opportunity to lecture me about the importance of motherhood. The misogynists simply had to say something about how men and women aren’t equal. The men who were allergic to self-development and accountability couldn’t stop themselves from bad-talking therapy.
3. I only agreed to coffee
In the beginning, I was getting all dressed up, putting on a full face of makeup, driving to a restaurant an hour away, and sitting through a two-hour date with a guy who, two minutes in, I already knew wasn’t a good fit.
That got old real fast. After a few dozen failed dates, I decided to expedite the process. I started meeting men in nearby coffee shops in the middle of the day.
For one, it’s way more affordable than dinner. For another, if it’s awkward, unsafe, or just plain bad, you can get up and leave after a few minutes. And finally, if the conversation flows well in broad daylight, face-to-face in uncomfortable wooden chairs, without any alcohol in your system, you know you’re compatible. Then you can bother getting all dressed up for dinner.
4. I stopped planning dates
Married men enjoy more fulfilling social lives, lower rates of depression, and greater life satisfaction than married women and single men. They also live longer and make more money than their unmarried counterparts.
Single guys, on the other hand, are the loneliest, most depressed demographic on the planet.
Why? Because women pick up the social and emotional slack. More often than not, we end up being our husbands’ party planners, relationship managers, and therapists. We regulate their calendars, their friendships, and their moods.
If a dude couldn’t even choose a time and locate a coffee house — especially when he was supposed to be putting his best foot forward — I knew he’d expect me to be his live-in secretary.
Pro-tip: “I don’t care, you pick,” may sound like flexibility, but he’s still outsourcing the mental labor to you. My now-fiancé found two different coffee spots in my area, sent me directions to both, and provided three potential time windows for our first date, which showed both initiative and flexibility.
The kicker? He didn’t even drink coffee. He just wanted to meet me.
5. I counted how many questions guys asked me
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I could not believe how many men talked through the entire date without asking me a single question, and then followed up with a text that said, “That was amazing! When’s date number two?”
It’s called the “Little Mermaid Effect.” Like the Disney princess who traded her voice for alluring human legs, tons of women feel like the less they speak, the more men like them.
Guys are conditioned to focus on how a woman makes him feel, not the woman herself. (I blame centuries of media that portrayed women as accessories to men’s status, success, and growth.) And since women are more likely to ask questions to strengthen social bonds and less likely to interrupt, men feel seen and understood — even if she barely says anything.
Especially if she barely says anything. Meanwhile, the woman leaves the date feeling like she just conducted a free therapy session.
I started counting how many questions men asked me on the first date. If it was less than five, sayonara. If it was more than 10, I was a lot more likely to go out with him again. On my first date with my now-partner, I completely lost track.
6. I always paid
This is a controversial one, and I understand both sides of the argument. Some women believe that the least a man can do is pick up the tab, granted we’re putting our lives on the line to meet up with you. We also invest a lot more in our appearances. The average woman spends $3,756 a year on her hair, makeup, and outfits, and getting all dolled up can take hours.
Personally, I always picked up the check — yes, the entire thing, for both of us. Yes, even on the earlier dates, when I was meeting men for dinner.
I already wrote a whole article about it, but to summarize: It ensured that guys did not feel entitled to my time, energy, or body just because they bought me a $6 taco. It proved I was serious about feminism and didn’t need a man. And finally, it immediately outed the guys who struggled with fragile masculinity.
Some men threw temper tantrums and insisted they weren’t about to let a woman pay for them. Others sat back, smugly crossed their arms, and said, “It’s about time. I’m so sick of gold-diggers.” In case you’re wondering, both of these reactions are red flags.
My man asked if I was sure, gave me a genuine thank you, and said, “The next one’s on me.” Polite, secure, and smooth.
7. I never ghosted
Jennie Young recommends blocking guys as soon as you determine they’re not a good fit. I did not do that. I used this opportunity to voice my newfound standards, and it was not easy. But it was a masterclass in learning how to draw boundaries and express my needs. Every time a date didn’t work out, I politely but clearly told the guy why:
“I don’t know if you noticed, but you didn’t ask me one question during that entire date.”
“Your comments got way too explicit, way too fast.”
“I didn’t like that you trash-talked your ex the whole time. It told me more about you than it did about her.”
“Our political beliefs aren’t aligned, and I won’t date someone who votes against my best interests.”
Some guys appreciated the feedback and moved on. An alarming number of guys absolutely lost it — calling me any derogatory term they could think of — which confirmed my suspicions: This dude’s ego is made of glass, and he cannot handle an ounce of accountability.
These seven rules taught me that mature, secure, emotionally available men aren’t threatened by standards. They simply rise to the occasion.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared in HuffPost, NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and USA Today, among others. Her debut memoir (Numb, Party of One: A Memoir of Healing From Dissociation) is currently available for pre-order.
