Don't Mess With My Feelings Just Because You're Unsure Of Your Own

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serious woman

Have you been to that place of the “unknown” with someone you love? You know, that ugly and confusing place in which your partner has no idea what he or she wants?

One day they show up and say I love you. But the day before, they said they were unsure of their emotions. Tomorrow? It’s always TBD.

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The programming on that partner’s channel is always up in the air. There’s never a set motion in place. These are what I call "mindf*ckers," and they change their feelings like they change their underwear — another set of boxers, another set of feelings for each new day.

They’re as unpredictable as the weather; you never know how they’re going to show up:

  • Rainy: a sad mess over some wishy-washy “undecided feelings” nonsense.
  • Stormy: withdrawn, angry, and cold. The hot love they poured all over you a week ago is now a frosty cold front.
  • Sunny: ready to commit and show you the world. They can’t go another day without you. Everything is sunshine and kittens. You’re the love of their life.

Until another day brings another rain cloud again.

The fact is when you deal with Mr. or Mrs. Screwed Up in the Head, you know they don’t how they feel. Or what they want, or if they’re coming or going. It doesn’t matter what they say. Their words are never written in stone but merely sidewalk chalk proclamations of love ready for a rainy day to let wash away.

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There’s never a decision. They never choose you but at the same time, can’t lose you just right that second.

But there you are, certain of how you feel. The same feelings on each different and unique day. The same commitment and love that happened yesterday, happens the next day and the next... and the next.

The only unknown variable is that other person. That big human X or Y. And what can you do to change this person? Nadda. Zilch. Nothing.

There’s only one thing you can do with Mr. or Mrs. “Undecided,” and that is, leave them no room to mess with your head anymore. You give them your exit. You back out of the communication.

You simply tell them, "Just because you’re not sure of your feelings doesn’t mean you get to mess with my head."

You remove yourself from the equation (the relationship) completely. You give him or her that “Dear John” or “Dear Jane.” You tell this mixed-up love of yours, “Come back to me when you have a definite answer or don’t come back at all.”

You’re sure of who you are, how you feel, and who you love. You deserve that same surety. You deserve that reliable “plus one,” soulmate, lover, and partner.

Until then, tell this person to go figure themselves out. No one deserves to be his or her partner’s therapist.

It’s one thing for a partner to be confused or periodically withdrawn during rough times but it’s quite another for a partner to be a literal yo-yo.

Plainly put: Just because this person doesn’t understand his or her feelings doesn’t mean you’ve got to invite yourself for a front seat to this mess.

Besides, sometimes space and distance are what a person needs to start figuring him or herself out and stop screwing with your mind. Maybe with this space, this person might make a decision.

Bottom line: you are deserving of someone who is sure of you and if this person can’t sh*t or get off the pot, you don’t have to be that person’s waiting toilet bowl.

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Alex Alexander is a blogger for YourTango who has written extensively on relationships, sex, and lifestyle topics.