Couples Therapist Reveals The Most Basic Thing Women Want From Men

How to actually get her in the mood.

Last updated on May 24, 2024

Foreplay Will Earn You More And Better Sex! Scopio | Canva

Guys, you know how in the beginning of a relationship, there's a magical feeling between you and your lady? You feel close to each other, and passion is always in the air. She's really into you, too — and ordinary interaction easily becomes intimate (and you two end up in bed). Fast-forward four or five years later, and now your partner — maybe your wife — seems far less interested in doing it. You are physical less often, and the intimacy isn't that great when you do. She may seem less present or engaged than you'd like, or perhaps she's complaining that you don't know how to get her in the mood. Many men don't understand what their partner means by that.


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Once routine settles into your relationship, many men start giving less affection to their partner, saving it only for when they want to be intimate. These men view touching, kissing, or caressing as foreplay, and they become far less physical because they (mistakenly) believe that foreplay only starts when there's an intention for being physically intimate. In other words, men have a short foreplay-to-intimacy period!

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But for many women this is different. Women are in the mood for intimacy more when they feel consistent affection from their man — but the affection that men consider "foreplay" doesn't always have to lead to being intimate. Think of that moment in the kitchen when you pass each other and you put a hand on her back, or when you surprise her with a quick kiss on the neck. How does she respond in those moments of straightforward affection, as opposed to when you do the same thing deliberately looking for intimacy? It's everyday passionate attention that shows her you're interested in her all the time, not just when you have an agenda (however fun that agenda may be).

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Think women are less interested in intimacy than men? Think again. But for women, "foreplay" happens throughout the week. They feel more passionate when they feel love and affection consistently.  So guys, treat your partner like the attractive woman she is, every day, without it always needing to lead to being intimate. If you can pull this off consistently (and sincerely), she'll feel beautiful, desired, and emotionally connected — and intimately speaking, that's very good for you.


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Gal Szekely, MFT, is a marriage and couples therapist, as well as a Founder of The Couples Center, with therapists who specialize in helping couples navigate challenges and rebuild relationships.