Couples Who Refuse To Give Up Do 8 Simple Things At The First Sign Of Trouble
Alexey Demidov| Unsplash "Is he having an affair?" My mother asked a day after my husband asked for a trial separation. She couldn't imagine any other reason for him to ask. He hadn't cheated, things were just hard. It got me wondering: were we just going to give up?
My mother meant well, but her comment stuck with me. He insisted he had been faithgul, but I couldn't help but think of the female coworker he seemed to hang out with regularly. It didn't help that, only a few days after "The Separation Talk", he'd left for a weekend snowboarding trip with his work buddies.
"He said he's not having an affair," said my shrink. "But if he's willing to fight for your marriage and see a couple's therapist, your marriage could be salvagable."
I pulled at the threads on her couch. I stared at my knees. I thought about her comments on saving my marriage. It made sense.
In the weeks that followed, I learned I could screw up my marriage all by myself, without the help of any alleged "other woman". We both could — and had — even without another woman or man.
We'd just stopped being loving spouses to one another. And so we committed to making things better. This is what we did.
Couples who refuse to give up do 8 simple things at the first sign of trouble:
1. Decide whether you want to fight for your marriage
By the time my husband suggested separating, I had reached an epiphany. Our marriage was worth saving, I'd decided, and I was willing to do anything it took.
Unfortunately, Michael hadn't come to that same conclusion. He kept flip-flopping.
"I'm not going to leave you," he'd assure me over dinner at a nice restaurant, making it sound as if I was in the grip of some neurotic delusion, rather than suffering the after-effects of his separation suggestion. Then, the next night, out of the blue, over wine and takeout Chinese: “I don’t think we’re a good match for each other. I just don’t know...”
I'd crumble. I'd sob. He'd waver. He'd assure me we were OK. We'd have desperate, tearful, phlegmy sex. I'd feel used. I'd feel confused. I'd feel exhausted.
Looking back on that time, Michael insists he was keen on the importance of fighting for a marriage, especially ours, but he needed to know that I was willing to fight for it, too.
2. Identify your fears
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Not only that, he was going through some personal problems of his own. He had finally moved into an industry he loved and was enjoying the camaraderie he found at work. But he was frustrated by our inability to sell our condo, and frustrated by the loss we were bound to take. He was scared of the huge step we were planning in trying to have children. He was scared of getting old.
With both of us feeling unloved and wrapped up in our own problems, we had stopped being good to each other. In fact, we were constantly on the defensive, because we each assumed the other had checked out.
3. Write love lists
With those serious things out of the way (though that work may be ongoing, too), you can start in on re-establishing love and connection.
Identifying everything we loved about each other reminded us of why we were in the relationship in the first place, and sharing our lists gave us each the warm fuzzies.
4. Share everything you hate
No matter how helpful the love lists were, they didn't change the things that made us unhappy. So, I told Michael I hated feeling like his lowest priority. He told me he hated my lack of participation. We both hated feeling unappreciated. The hate flew around, fast and furious.
It was great. Because after that? We had something to work with.
5. Go to therapy
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I believe most people can benefit from some quality time with a mental health professional. I'd been benefiting from talk therapy for years.
Finally, Michael went too. We went alone and together. Having an objective listener really helped Michael. He'd been walking around with a huge weight on his shoulders, and confiding in someone other than me was a huge relief.
Once that was out of the way, he felt ready to move forward.
6. Ease up on each other
Once Michael and I reopened the lines of communication, we gained a better understanding of what the other had been feeling — about our marriage and about life in general. Knowing these things made us infinitely more forgiving.
7. Get hard on yourselves
Sure, we still lost our tempers sometimes and felt low-level bits of irritation with each other, but mostly we concentrated on improving ourselves.
It's reassuring to see the effort your spouse is making on your behalf. It lets you know that he's in it to win it. (Whatever. It sounds corny. Shut up.)
8. Regain a strong sense of intimacy
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In five years of living together, we'd slowly become less and less intimate. And I'm not just referring to sex (though that was a problem, too).
After deciding to fight for our marriage, we smooched more often. We held hands in public. We touched each other. We were more tactile. Regaining a sense of intimacy took us out of the Roommate Zone and put us squarely back into the Sexy Time Zone.
We're still struggling with a lot. I've been working to build up my business. Our condo has sat dormant on the market for the second year in a row. We've been trying to have a baby for over a year and are at the point where we'll have to schedule medical tests.
But somehow, we can look at each other at the end of the day, my legs snaking around him in bed as I try to snuggle even closer, and know that we’re stronger than ever.
Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and editor. She's been featured in Playgirl, Time Out New York, American Curves, New York Press, Nerve, and other publications.
