Couples Who Are Actually Compatible With Each Other Almost Always Agree On 5 Core Values
Vyshnova | Shutterstock It takes more than love and physical attraction to make a relationship last.
You can be incredibly drawn to someone and still struggle to build a life together because attraction and compatibility aren't the same thing. Physical chemistry may bring two people together, while familiarity can make a relationship feel safe and comfortable at first. But neither tells you how well you'll handle money, conflict, or your plans for the future. Psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory identifies five basic human needs: survival, love and belonging, freedom, fun, and power. How strongly people experience these needs can shape the values and priorities they bring to a relationship. Couples who are actually compatible understand how their basic needs fit together, including where they naturally agree and where they'll need to find a compromise that works for both people.
Couples who are actually compatible understand how their needs shape these 5 core values:
1. They place a similar value on security and stability
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In Choice Theory, the survival need includes security, stability, and planning for the future. You may be most compatible when you and your partner experience this need at similar levels.
When one person has a high need for security, and the other has a lower one, they may approach money, risk, and planning very differently. The higher need person may save more, worry about what could go wrong, and plan carefully for the future. Someone with a lower need for security may feel more comfortable spending money and taking risks.
Can you see how conflict can be prominent when your survival needs don't line up?
2. They place a similar value on closeness and quality time
The love and belonging need, referred to here as closeness, involves affection, intimacy, and quality time. A person with a high connection need craves quality time, loves intimacy, and may prefer to avoid conflict. Someone with a lower need for closeness may want more time alone, require less affection, and feel less hesitant about conflict.
3. They respect how much each person values independence
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The freedom need describes how much independence, personal space, and control someone wants. A person with a high freedom need may be fiercely independent, resist rules that don't make sense, and crave time alone.
A person with a lower freedom need can be more dependent, wants to adhere to rules, and doesn't like being alone. A lower need for independence may make them crave more time together, and they enjoy relying on their partner.
4. They have similar ideas about fun and free time
The fun need, referred to here as enjoyment, includes play, humor, hobbies, and free time. A person with a high need for enjoyment may have a playful sense of humor and place a lot of importance on doing what they enjoy, while someone with a lower need for enjoyment approaches life more seriously. They may place less importance on hobbies or unstructured free time.
5. They understand each other's desire to feel important
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The power need, referred to here as a desire to feel important, involves recognition, achievement, and influence. Unless you and your partner have figured out how to meet this need without competing, you may be more compatible when you experience it at different levels.
This need may be easier to balance when one partner places more importance on recognition and leadership while the other is comfortable playing a supportive role. One may enjoy recognition and taking the lead, while the other feels comfortable offering support and sharing in their partner's success.
No combination of needs or differing core values automatically means a relationship will have problems.
When you understand how your values differ, you can work with your partner to find win-win solutions that allow both of you to get what you need within the relationship and through your own interests and goals
Kim Olver is a licensed counselor, certified coach, speaker, and award-winning, best-selling author. Over the years, she has taught thousands of people Glasser's Choice Theory concepts.
