5 Common Confessions Men Make In Therapy That Are Signs Of Trouble For Couples Counselors
Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock Men often have a difficult time speaking their truth. Whether it's expressing their feelings or explaining their behaviors, they struggle. In a time of crisis in a relationship, or with someone a man trusts, he may be able to tell his truth and ask for assistance.
In my experience as a marriage and family therapist, I have come to recognize a few patterns that raise warning flags for me. These aren't necessarily signs that something is wrong with the man himself, but that the relationship is in dire need of repair.
Here are 5 confessions men make in therapy that are signs of trouble for couples counselors
1. 'I never know how she will react, so I'm constantly walking on eggshells.'
This behavior by anyone in a relationship signals trouble. It already sets the stage that a person does not feel able to be themselves.
This individual may fear rejection, criticism, or anger. The more anyone hides their true feelings, the more distance they will need to take in the relationship.
When a woman is controlling with anger or a lack of acceptance, the man will stay emotionally and physically distant in the marriage or relationship.
A state of walking on eggshells opens up a man to be vulnerable to outside relationships, addictions, or he may one day just walk away from his partner. The solution here is to create safety for true expression within the relationship.
2. 'I just don't feel the chemistry with her anymore.'
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Whether a lack of chemistry was an aspect in the relationship from the beginning, or it developed from resentments or unexpressed feelings and desires, a lack of chemistry affects levels of physical intimacy.
So many couples come into therapy after months or years without tactile intimacy with their partner. Because physical desire is a basic human instinct, a man expressing this lack of chemistry with his wife or partner is a red flag.
In instances where chemistry was good in the beginning, the therapist can help approach and resolve feelings of resentment or unfulfilled desires, and the attraction can return.
In relationships where there was never chemistry, the task becomes more daunting. Couples can just live as roommates, but the danger of affairs or addictions to replace the physical intimacy becomes a larger threat.
3. 'I feel powerful when I am at work, it's just not the same at home.'
A man can find so much success and satisfaction from work and making money. Unfortunately, he may not feel the same result at home. When this happens, a man can easily start working long hours and prefer his workplace to home life.
The resolve here is to see if the man lacks the skills to find closeness and acceptance at home, or whether the home situation is unwelcoming. Avoidant bonding established early in life can lead a man towards being a workaholic, and should be dealt with in individual therapy.
A toxic or dysfunctional home life creates the need for couples or family therapy. Either way, in a satisfying and fulfilling relationship, men express a desire to get home from work and are able to demonstrate a balance between making money and experiencing love.
4. 'I hide my habits because they make me feel good — and she doesn't.'
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Any form of addiction signals trouble. Breaking the cycle of addiction becomes the primary focus through treatment programs or meetings, along with therapy.
Addiction becomes a relationship/family problem when anyone in the family suffers from that cycle. If the man is not an addict, but his wife or child has addiction issues, the family or couple suffers along with the identified addict.
Usually, a therapist discovers issues of codependency in the family members without the addictive behaviors. Whether the focus is on treating codependency or treating addiction, new behaviors and new awareness can be learned and improve the situation.
5. 'I can be myself with another woman, but I can't with my wife.'
Two very different causes lead a man to connect physically or emotionally outside of the marriage. Some men are addicts and need to be the hunter and attract the attention of many women. This kind of addiction requires specific treatment to uncover the roots of the behavior, and the treatment is more long-term and involved. If a man is trying to resolve inner perceived deficiencies through outside relationships, there are usually many women involved, over time.
Addiction has roots in early life, and the dishonesty and outside intimate activity levels are more dramatic and extensive. If a man is trying to find physical or emotional comfort as a one-time affair, the therapeutic approach is to improve emotional and physical intimacy in the marriage. In this case, the affair is a symptom of a relationship issue. Repairing trust, communication, feelings, and resentments can take time, and it takes both members of the relationship to participate.
Marriage and intimate relationships take work and personal responsibility. This is not always easy. Growth can take place for couples as they face challenges and learn from one another. It often takes courage for a man to come in and talk to a therapist as he faces these kinds of challenges, yet the rewards can be great.
Janet Whitney, MA, LMFT, has been a licensed psychotherapist since 1982. She is the author of the book and program entitled, Facing Your Fears and Following Your Dreams.
