6 Clues You're Falling For Someone Who Can’t Emotionally Show Up For You, According To Psychology
They might be saying all the right things but these clues suggest their heart isn't in it.
Dillon Kydd | Unsplash When the person you are in a relationship with is unpredictable and volatile, it can feel as though you are dealing with a teenager in an adult’s body. One study suggested that emotionally immature people are often attractive at first glance because of their youthful exuberance, sense of abandonment, and infectious energy to seek out fun at every opportunity.
None of these are bad qualities. When harnessed to a mature character, they are assets. When yoked with developmental arrest, they become a source of great stress for those who have chosen to be in a romantic relationship with them.
If your love interest falls into this category, you can count on a tumultuous relationship. If you are a persistent type of soul you will be greeted with disappointment, confusion, and pain. Pretty much can count on just repeating the "wash and spin" cycle as it were.
Although in time your true love may mature, it’s much more likely they will remain stuck in the adolescent phase of life for many years to come. Sometimes for decades. With this in mind, it pays to be able to tell if the person with whom you have given your heart is emotionally immature or simply someone with several quirks.
Here are six clues you're falling for someone who can’t emotionally show up for you, according to psychology:
1. Everything is a crisis with them
Perfect Wave / Shutterstock
The emotional life of your significant other resembles a pinball bouncing from one crisis to another. The boss giving someone else a promotion is a calamity because it signals some unfair preference (not the fact that the promoted employee worked longer hours and performed better).
The emotionally immature response is, “I might just quit. Let them see how well the business runs without me!” A friend not returning a telephone call creates anger and despair because it demonstrates mean-spirited insensitivity. The solution: “I’m cutting them off. I don’t need a friend like that!”
If you forget to call home when running twenty minutes late, this will be seen as a callous disregard for making the relationship a priority. The emotionally immature person responds with something like, “Fine, I guess there is no need for me to tell you if I will be out all night with the guys. Don’t come crying to me when your shoe is on my other foot.”
(Pro tip: If they misstate a common aphorism, just let it go.)
2. They live by the unspoken belief that if you don't agree with them, you are a bad person
Yuri A / Shutterstock
Some creative types will also let you know that by not agreeing with them, you are “being hurtful.” Or, better yet, “Your words are a form of violence against me.”
If you are a novice at dealing with emotional immaturity, you might respond by trying to show you meant no harm. For penitence, you end up cooking a special meal, doing all the grocery shopping for a week or two, and cleaning the house so well it would make Martha Stewart blush.
Rookie mistake. Your significant other sees this as a confession of your sins. It will be noted in the Book of Wrongs. Moreover, your implicit confession will be brought up and vigorously waved about as evidence of your cretinous nature during the next conflict (trust me, this won’t take long).
A 2022 study found that this belief often stems from a lack of self-awareness and empathy, making it difficult for them to acknowledge or validate your feelings, leading to emotional invalidation. They may struggle to understand or accept perspectives different from their own, hindering their ability to connect and empathize.
3. Disagreements are frequent
Gorodenkoff / Shutterstock
And not relegated to just the important issues of life, but even the minor ones. You are expected to apologize in every case because, well, because you are always wrong.
The ability to conjure up a conflict from the most innocuous topics is a strength of emotionally immature people. Minor differences regarding vacation plans, one’s view of friends, or politics spark argumentative firestorms.
Reason plays no role in resolving these conflicts. The emotionally immature person requires total capitulation, capped with a heartfelt apology.
4. Your partner wears the role of the victim like a comfortable old coat
4 PM production / Shutterstock
You may find yourself impressed with how often the victim role crops up in your relationship with the emotionally immature partner. They end up being a victim of co-workers, extended family, and on occasion the neighbor’s cat.
Because your partner is a victim, they require your sole attention and unlimited support. Conveniently, the victim mantle can also be used as a means to forego normal adult obligations.
By the way, you must never complain about how the "victim status" makes it difficult for you to relate to one another on equal footing like two adults. If you make the mistake of voicing these concerns, you will be labeled as intentionally hurtful.
A victim mentality can be associated with a reduced capacity for empathy, as individuals may struggle to understand or acknowledge the perspectives of others. A 2015 study concluded that this can make it difficult for them to connect with others emotionally and build strong, supportive relationships.
5. Emotions drive their behavior
fizkes / Shutterstock
In the world of the emotionally immature, if it feels good, “Go for it!” Emotions drive behavior. When the tendency to blindly follow feelings leads to heartache, the emotionally immature person laments, “No one could have seen how it would all turn out this way.”
You may think that this would be a terrific time for your partner to take responsibility and learn from a mistake. If that turns out to be your reaction, I must conclude that you’ve not been paying attention.
6. They believe they are owed happiness
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock
This has some interesting consequences: cars, clothing, electronics, jewelry, vacations, and much else are purchased because they are deserved. The precise basis upon which these items are “deserved” is seldom spelled out.
On those rare occasions when one does hear the rationale, it boils down to, “You only live once, and I’ve been through so much pain, surely I am owed a little happiness.” That reasoning pretty much takes the dogs off the leash. It means if a credit card is within easy reach, the lack of money for purchasing these much-deserved items is not a concern.
As a result, debt rises exponentially. Because no one purchase can "scratch the itch" sufficiently, a cascade of chronic spending occurs. Eventually, debt rises to crisis levels, anxiety surges, tears are shed, and you are called upon to comfort your emotionally immature partner.
Once again, you might be tempted to think that this could be a great learning experience. But the emotionally immature person wants comfort, support, and absolution, not the painful growth that comes from taking responsibility.
While not directly supported by a single study, the idea that someone making earning a desired thing a prerequisite for emotional availability can be a sign of emotional unavailability is consistent with several overarching psychological concepts. This behavior often indicates underlying issues with forming and maintaining healthy attachments and can be perceived as a form of emotional manipulation or emotional distancing.
Even so, there is a silver lining. The conflict and stress of the moment may lead to growth after all: yours. This might be that pivotal moment that you realize there is no way to have a mature relationship with this person.
Unlike the adolescent who struggles with such problems due to the natural course of social/emotional development, the emotionally immature person has no strong desire to mature. Consequently, unlike real adolescents who grow into healthy adults, the person you are with is most likely to stay in his or her present state for a very long time.
The bottom line: It’s nearly impossible to nurture growth when motivation is absent. The future of your relationship, in all probability, looks a lot like the present state of that relationship.
What’s the solution? A fresh start, a clean break, a new beginning. If your plans include having children, then you can count on raising a teen or two, maybe more. Although this may be challenging at times, it is also a very rewarding phase of parenting life.
But trying to raise a teen who is already an adult, and is expected to be an equal partner rather than a child, is a witch’s brew for heartache. Think carefully before signing on for this responsibility.
Forrest Talley, PhD, is a clinical psychologist with a focus on mental health and wellness. He has been featured in PsychologyToday, Verywell Family, Lifehack, and more.
