3 Candid Reasons Men Disappear After A Third Date, According To Dating Experts
When a man ghosts after things seemed to be going well, it's rarely random.
Aa Dil | Canva The "three-date rule" has fallen in and out of fashion so often over the years that it's moved out of the realm of cliche into a mythical realm occupied by other dating anachronisms such as "the guy always pays for dinner" and "don't call or text the next day." While not a universally followed rule, research suggests it can lead to better relationship outcomes, particularly if a long-term relationship is desired.
Why limit yourself to some arbitrary number of get-togethers, anyway? If you want to go to bed with someone and they're willing, what's the difference between the first date, the third date, or the 20th date? It's no one else's business but yours. Your reasons for waiting or not waiting — whatever they might be — are perfectly valid. That said, it usually takes a while to know someone well enough to determine if you're a good match for physical intimacy. Or a good match for emotional intimacy, for that matter.
But then, just like that ... he's gone. You call. You text. No response. A week goes by. Two weeks. You're baffled, confused, and hurt. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's become all too obvious. You've been ghosted. Still, you can't help but wonder what happened. Some closure would be nice. Was it something you said or did? How can you know? Should you have seen it coming? With that in mind, we reached out to a panel of YourTango Experts to ask: What are the unfair or harsh reasons men might disappear after a third date? Their insight might bring you a little peace of mind.
Here are 3 candid reasons men disappear after a third date, according to dating experts:
1. He moved on with someone else
It’s possible you were one of many people he’s dating, and he decided to move forward with one of the other women he’s dating.
—Alyssa Dineen, dating coach
2. You weren't exciting or interesting enough
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Sometimes a man disappears after the third date because he was just using you as a distraction, and his primary focus has taken off. But there are also times when a guy disappears after a third date because you’re just not that interesting. Perhaps you have a good job, you’re nice, and you look good … but you are predictable.
We often hear of people being denied by Ivy League schools, although they have a 4.2 GPA. because they did not participate in extracurricular activities. We need to bring some complexity to the table. We need to stand out in some way. Humans need certainty, but they have an equal need for uncertainty.
—Erika Jordan, love coach, NLP practitioner
3. He simply wasn't that into you — or maybe life just happened
To be perfectly honest, there could be several different reasons why men disappear after a third date. The man could be "shopping around." He is probably dating a few women at the same time and compares them as he goes about it, and eventually decides to be exclusive with one.
The guy might not be emotionally ready or available, maybe he thought it would be nice to go out on dates, but then realized things are actually going somewhere and he is just not ready for that emotional commitment.
Maybe while getting to know you he learned something about you and it does not align with his values, beliefs, or general plans for the future. Perhaps you don't want kids and he sees his future self as a father of four. Perhaps the excitement of dating you wore off or he needed time to collect his own thoughts and feelings and figure things out.
There could also be reasons that have nothing to do with you. Maybe one of his parents got very ill, his furry companion died, his boss sent him to an island with no phone reception, or he got hit by a bus.
Hopefully, none of that is the reason. But try to give a guy the benefit of the doubt. Life happens to everyone. That said, I, as a matchmaker, would encourage everyone to not ghost your dates and just be honest about your decision, giving people some closure is good karma.
—Ella Scaduto, matchmaker, relationship coach
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
