You Can Usually Tell When A Woman Holds The Power In A Relationship By These 4 Things
Arda Kaykisiz | Pexels Women know how to control men; we do. It’s a skill we had to learn because, for centuries, women have been marginalized and overlooked in our male-dominated culture. Women don’t get paid the same; women have men legislating what they can with their own bodies, and women, to this day, are not granted the same social, political, or economic status as most men.
But that doesn’t mean that we can’t get stuff done, and we owe a lot of that to our innate knowledge of how to control men. Women are excellent at getting stuff done. And one of the most effective ways that we’ve learned to accomplish our goals is by softly nudging (manipulating?) men into doing what we need them to do. In fact, we’re so skilled at this that most times, men don’t even realize that we hold the upper hand.
It’s like the movie Inception: Women are so good at subtly pushing and herding their men that the men suddenly find themselves cleaning out the garage and thinking that it was their idea to do it. It’s a powerful ability, one that women have to wield carefully, particularly when we're in a relationship. Wives control their husbands because they're missing something in their real lives.
Abundance coach and author Christy Whitman says, "The way someone treats you equates to how women control men. Our inner world (thoughts, feelings, perspective, beliefs) reflects our outer world (experiences, situations, circumstances). If we are experiencing a lack of any kind, we feel fear and then want to control everyone and everything." But not all women are controlling, obviously. If you're a woman reading this and your relationship is healthy and positive, hats off to you.
You can usually tell when a woman holds the power in a relationship by these 4 things:
1. She treats her partner more like someone to manage than an equal
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Do men sometimes act like children? Totally. But that doesn’t mean that women should reinforce that behavior by pandering to it. When a woman reacts to a grown man like he’s a seven-year-old, she might feel frustrated, but, in reality, she’s trying to force his hand or force the outcome that she wants.
If a woman can’t trust her man enough to let him do the grocery shopping or fold the laundry, it’s not that he can't do it. (He’s a grown-up. He can.) She just wants those tasks done exactly the way she wants them.
So rather than just leaving him to his own devices, she steps in, which, ultimately, makes more work for her and reinforces the guy’s suspicions that he can’t even accomplish basic tasks on his own. The woman controls the situation but prevents it from ever improving. It’s a vicious circle. Women need to realize that four of the most controlling words we can say are “I’ll just do it.”
This kind of dynamic destroys the relationship over time, even if it feels like the most efficient routine. "Over time, a wife is likely to grow resentful and give up trying. Eventually, she may end up in divorce court, disillusioned and defeated. If a couple can get to couples therapy, they can make important changes in their dynamic before it's too late," couples therapist Mary Kay Cocharo cautioned.
2. A woman who holds power will let her silence send the message
Women are ninja masters at this. If a man is frustrated and wants you to do something, normally, he’s going to just come out and say it. He might yell, he might whine, but he does it; men often have a hard time keeping their inner desires inside. They want them to be expressed, so they express them in the bluntest way possible.
Women, on the other hand, take a different, nd probably way more effective, approach. We go silent. We stop talking. We get distant. Women will often justify those cold silences by saying “I needed some time” or “I was processing things,” but by refusing to engage, it leaves our men thinking "What? What did I do?"
Those silences can get so uncomfortable that men will quickly do almost anything to end them. "Do you want me to admit I’m wrong? Change my shirt? Start going to the gym more? Say something!"
By refusing to express what we want, women make men almost desperate to comply with our wishes, if it will only mean that the silent treatment will end. It involves next to no talking, and it’s staggeringly effective.
But while effective, it can also be destructive, explained marriage and family therapist Marni Feuerman: "Stonewalling involves refusing to communicate with another person and withdrawing from the conversation to create distance. Intentionally shutting down during an argument, also known as the silent treatment, can be hurtful, frustrating, and harmful to the relationship."
3. She'll use praise to influence the outcome
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Flattery is a useful tool to control most people, but it works particularly well on men. It appeals to two separate but powerful aspects of being a man: that men are raised with the (unrealistic) expectation that they can do anything and that men are rarely complimented (beyond a stoic “Good job”).
But a woman’s flattery overwhelms both of those conditions with pandering and praise. “Honey, I’m not good with technology. Can you figure out this remote for me?” “Babe, can you load up the car for me? The suitcases are so heavy, and you’re so good at getting everything in there!”
Granted, some of those compliments might be genuine, but it is still a form of control. The woman wants something accomplished, so she lavishes her man with praise, letting him know that he’s the best at doing whatever she wants done.
It’s probably not true. (She’s a grown woman. She can figure out a remote.) But the flattery is a proven way to get the man to do what she wants, so why not use it?
4. A woman with power will refer to other people to make a point
This kind of control technique is frequently used in parenting, but it’s actually much more effective when the involved parties are older. It’s the classic “look at that nice boy” strategy. A parent might use it to shame their teenager into working harder at home or academically.
“Look at Linda’s son, he has a 4.0 grade point average and works at the nursing home after school every day!”
The grown-up version of this occurs when a woman is unsatisfied with some aspect of the man in her life, so she openly starts making unflattering comparisons between her guy and other men in her life.
“Bill just got a promotion … Roger is building that whole addition by himself … Rick goes to the gym five times a week, and he loves it, never complains…”
Statements like that not only shame her man into action (although the jury's out if shaming is effective; researcher Brené Brown says no) but they also prey on the man’s ego. Because it’s not just simple nagging. It’s saying, “This other man is clearly superior to you.” That can kill a man’s sense of self-worth and drive him to fight back against the comparison.
These techniques are undeniably effective, but they beg the question: Is it worth manipulating and toying with a man’s ego just to get him to take his shoes off when he comes in the house?
Because being controlling and having the upper hand isn’t always a good thing. Women need to realize that “with great power comes great responsibility” and, when possible, we should try to be open and direct with our men. Treat them like equal partners and see if you can compromise to get what you want from them.
Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan is a writer focusing on love and relationship issues who is a frequent contributor to YourTango.
