Love

A Brutal, Unfiltered Look At The First Year Of Marriage

Photo: Dimitri Kuliuk / Pexels
couples in wedding dress

Marriage today is not necessarily like the pretty version painted in classic TV sitcoms with the goofy, but well-meaning husband and his disapproving, but fiercely loyal wife.

Sometimes, marriage is about teaming up to scare children, accidentally getting your spouse fired, name-calling in public, plotting revenge on a common enemy, and fearing your menstrual wife so badly, you crap your pants. But at the end of the day, you still love each other deeply.

Newlyweds Alice and Joe from their former blog 1styearofmarriage describe that very union in this hilarious interview.

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ALICE:  What were your marriage expectations?  And what's your reality?

Joe: I thought we'd travel the world and have insane sex on horseback while riding through waterfalls. We'd have discussions deep into the night while sipping vintage champagne in front of a chateau fireplace. Reality is, most nights we're too tired to have sex, and we eat cereal for dinner…

Alice: Come on, man, Puffins are GOOD!

Joe: …then I fall asleep on the couch while watching re-runs of Dance Moms.

Alice: So you're finally admitting you watch Dance Moms?

Pause.

Joe: I'm familiar with it.

Alice:  That's an understatement. Nobody but a super-fan would ask his wife if she wants to see his 'best Abby Lee Miller impression'. 

Joe: Don't be a Cathy from Candy Apples.

ALICE:  Have I ever disappointed you since getting married?  If so, when?

Joe: Yes. When you pooped on our bathmat.

Alice: It was the colonic!  I couldn't help it!

Joe: I told you not to get one.

Alice: I did it so I could feel trim and sexy! For my husband!

Joe: How'd that work out for you?

Pause. 

Alice  Be honest, did you think about getting a new wife after that?

Joe: No, but I did think about putting newspapers down before going to work.

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JOE:  Same question. Has there been a time when I've disappointed you since we got married?

Alice: I guess it's a tie between—

Joe: Me farting in that Thai lady's face when she was giving me a massage?

Alice: No…I didn't even know about that. Jesus, Joe!

Joe: Oh…

Alice: I was going to say you throwing up into your bowl of chili in front of my family…

Joe: I'm sorry! I love your grandma's chili, but as soon I put it in my mouth, I thought of Walking Dead and gagged. What was the other one?

Alice:  My mom overhearing you explaining why she reminds you of a raptor.

Joe: That didn't hap— No, wait, that did happen! I didn't forget!

Alice: Neither did my mom.

JOE: We were together five years before tying the knot. Does our relationship feel different now?

Alice: There's a feeling of permanence. I now realize that I have to stand by you no matter how many times you pick your nose in public.

Joe: How dare you. For me, it pretty much feels the same as before, only I lose half my stuff if we break up.

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Alice: I get $500 and a 2001 Camry?!

Joe: Listen, I would get a half-interest in some white jeans and a pasta necklace. So, you're still ahead.

Alice: You love my pasta necklace.

JOE: Anything really surprise you about being married?

Alice: I didn't realize there would be so much bathroom talk. When we weren't married, we wouldn't pee with the door open. Now, I get a Google alert anytime you're having a bowel movement.

Joe: To be fair, you did subscribe to those.

Alice: Uh-huh…

Joe: In all seriousness, I have one more question for you.

Alice: Go ahead.

Joe: Who would you say I remind you more of?  Indiana Jones or an Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Alice: Is Tintin a choice?

Joe: He's a brilliant reporter, and he's only a teenager. So I take that as a compliment.

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Alice Ruth Dower is a former blogger with her husband Jack. They write about the ups and downs of marriage, and how to make each other better.

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