5 Ways To Make Sure You're Being Your True-est Self In A Brand New Relationship

It's easy to subconsciously change to meet what you think a guy needs.

By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Oct 31, 2022

Photo: dean drobot / shutterstock.com

young couple with long hair in front of sunset on the beach

It's strange how hard it is to be yourself in a new relationship. After all, we are ourselves in every other area of our lives. Why do we struggle to be ourselves when starting a new relationship.

I believe that, when we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident. Having someone new in our lives, someone who thinks we are fabulous, is a very heady experience.

And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss.

We may find ourselves struggling to be authentic or show our true selves.

That fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair. Who wants that? Surely not you!

After all, you can't have a truly healthy relationship if you're not being yourself.

Here are five ways to make sure you're being your true self in a new relationship

1. Stay in touch with your awesomeness.

Think about the person you were when you were single. When you weren't questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?

Do you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Do you run marathons? Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Do you like to go to movies and try new food? Do you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?

This person is the person you need to remember when you are feeling insecure.

And remember, this awesome person is the person who your guy chose to date in the first place. You with all of your confidence and quirks and wonderfulness. Think about what will happen if you are anything other that yourself as the relationship grows. Most likely, your new man will get confused and wonder where the person he fell for is. He might even break up with you as a result of your change.

Also, remember you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you. So, if this one doesn’t appreciate you as you are, too bad for him.

2. Don't stop living your own life.

Do not, I repeat, do not sit around and wait for any man to call. Or any woman for that matter either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.

You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.

No man wants the pressure of being everything to a woman. Of their woman staying home waiting for them to call. To have them twist themselves in a pretzel to be what they want. To give up their own passions for him. That woman is one who is not very attractive to a man.

Furthermore, every man loves the hunt and if you are out there, not always available to him, being a challenge, he is way more likely to stay interested in you.

I have a client who literally sits by her phone, waiting for her man to call or reach out to her on Instagram. She watches his activity and feels dejected when he is active but not in contact with her. So she obsesses, checking her phone instead of going out with friends, waiting for him to reach out.

When he finally does, she is really crabby and their time together isn't what she wants it to be.

So, continue to live your own life. Don't always be there for him. You will be glad you did.

3. Unplug.

One of the things that you should NOT do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media. As I said above, becoming obsessed with someone's social media activity is dangerous.

Even on a good day, social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there, on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.

My client above becomes so obsessed with her man's Instagram activity that it makes her physically ill. And, she posts more actively than she used to, wanting him to see her posts and to think of her. And when he doesn't look at them, she is devastated.

Of course, we all spend too much time on our phones. Do you? I am not saying that you should put down your phone but I am saying that the effort needs to be made to not change our habits, to not become a stalker, to stay in touch with friends and check on celebrities like we always have.

So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.

4. Know he is probably feeling the same way.

The more attached we are to something, whether it be a man or a friend or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.

But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you they could appear too eager or ,if they stop by your desk. you might find them too needy.

And, does that behavior make you feel bad about him or is it some what endearing. Does knowing that he might be feeling as insecure as you are, that you are in the same boat trying to make this relationship work, make you feel more confident?

Try to not judge yourself for struggling to be yourself in a relationship. Instead, make change and you will feel better about yourself and your place in the relationship.

5. Ask yourself — “What’s the worst that can happen?”

This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations but its best application is right here.

You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old. One that you have lived your entire life up until recently without.

Ask yourself “What is the worst that can happen?”