The Art Of Moving Forward: 4 Ways To Stop Old Wounds From Hijacking Your Relationships
Because your history doesn't get to control your love life forever.
Philipp Lansing | Unsplash In any relationship, there's a chance that emotional baggage will keep you from being able to let go of the past and will interfere with your love life. If you've got emotional pain, then you're going to carry that weight until you learn how to let go of anger and adapt to your new situation. The good news is that, despite the things that have happened in your past (whether it was cheating partners, painful breakups, or whatever else you may have been through), you can use emotional intelligence to make your future relationships healthy.
For anyone wondering if they have emotional baggage, the answer is: yes — but just how much baggage is the question. The way to discover this is by recognizing a sneaky little behavior called "over-adaptation." Overadaptation is a destructive phenomenon that happens in relationships when one or both people involved change their behavior for the purpose of avoiding confrontation or disapproval.
For example, over-adaptation occurs when:
- One or both partners respond in certain ways to merely keep the peace because they just "know" how their loved one will react.
- One or both partners had a previous relationship where, when challenged, their boyfriend or girlfriend got angry every time. Now, in the new relationship, the partner never challenges for fear their current boyfriend or girlfriend will react the same way.
- One or both partners assume they are mind readers, thus preventing themselves from ever being emotionally honest about their feelings.
- One or both partners try to play it cool during the beginning stages of a relationship, in fear that they’ll scare the other person away based on some past relationship where they were rejected from being open.
In itself, adapting to a new relationship isn’t a bad thing — people must adapt and evolve to improve themselves. But if there is too much mind-reading or silent assumptions made that aren't based on fact, you're walking into the territory of over-adaptation.
At its root, over-adaptation involves a ton of emotional dishonesty; a person who engages in this hides from their partner, shielding them from who they are to protect themselves from assumed rejection. This does a disservice to both people — the partner who is over-adapting fails to trust themselves and walk the road of emotional authenticity. The other partner is also left out in the cold, painted as the "imagined" jerk. Not surprisingly, none of this is a basis for a strong relationship and will, ultimately, lead to the relationship ending.
Here are 4 ways to stop old wounds from hijacking your relationships:
1. Recognize when you're over-adapting and why
Realizing that you're over-adapting in response to the past is instrumental in dropping the assumptions and getting real. By cultivating self-awareness, individuals can recognize their triggers, understand their patterns, and make conscious choices in responding to them.
2. Stop trying to mind-read
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Psychic Friends Network must come off the speed dial. Remember, you don't "know" what your partner's going to do or how they'll respond. Don't jump to conclusions and react before they do.
This assumption creates a cycle of disappointment when expectations go unfulfilled, leading individuals to interpret their partner's actions through a lens of negativity. Research shows that mind-reading has been associated with anxiety, depression, delusions, and strained relationships.
3. Communicate in a straightforward way
If you have concerns about what your partner thinks, quiet those concerns by simply communicating in a non-accusatory way. You'll get your answer, and no one will be hurt by miscommunication.
Research on relationship communication emphasizes developing habits of curiosity and verification to overcome this common barrier to authentic connection. The data showed that couples who communicate openly with each other had the lowest divorce rates, while the worst communicators had the highest divorce rates.
4. Trust yourself — and your partner
A person has no reason to hide who they are — unless they’re wanted for bank robbery. Still, that isn’t a deal-breaker — even Bonnie had a Clyde! Once you can trust yourself enough to be yourself in the relationship, you really give your partner a chance to see you and truly love you.
Research has shown that being honest and vulnerable has brought couples closer together. We are drawn to genuine people because those who are true to themselves are also likely to be true and honest with us.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.
