8 Signs Something Deeper Is Wrong In Your Marriage, According To Psychology
Your marriage is beyond repair.
PeopleImages | Canva By Michela Montgomery
The first time I heard the phrase “toxic marriage,” I felt a little sick. That couldn’t be me... could it? If you’re reading this now, maybe you’ve got that little nagging intuition that tells you something in your relationship is "off." Is it? See if any of these indicators sound familiar, and you be the judge.
Here are 8 signs something deeper is wrong in your marriage, according to psychology:
1. You find yourself sad, crying all the time, or much more than usual
I’m not a "crier" by nature, but in the last four years of my marriage, I found myself crying a lot — driving home from work, lying in bed trying to get to sleep, doing dishes when the kids were occupied after dinner. Sometimes our subconscious emotions are so strong, they simply push their way into our "now," so we don’t continue ignoring them.
2 Your spouse finds fault with everything you say or do
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Sometimes, we all feel that we can’t say or do anything right, but it’s a completely different thing when your spouse jumps on that bandwagon. Is he criticizing more than usual? Has it become personal, or is he attacking you? If you feel the need to retreat, or that you simply "can’t say anything right," this might be a sign that your marriage is toxic.
This behavior, often called 'fault-finding' or 'criticism,' can erode trust, create emotional distance, and contribute to a strained relationship dynamic. One study argues that in some cases, persistent fault-finding can be a form of emotional abuse, where one partner uses criticism to manipulate and control their partner.
3. You’re lying to your friends or family about your relationship
Look, we don’t all air our dirty laundry to everyone in our immediate circle. But when you keep telling people that everything is "fine" when you know it’s getting worse, there could be a problem.
If close friends and family members ask, “Is everything okay with you guys?” there is a reason. You may think you’re the Willy Wonka of keeping secrets about how you’re really coping, but it’s unlikely that everyone is fooled.
4. You aren't intimate anymore
Touch is a basic human need, like food and water. We all need it to feel connected, loved, and cared for.
The first-year rule doesn’t apply here. Every married woman knows her husband’s intimate habits; once a week, after the gym, twice a month — whatever was "normal" is now not happening. If your spouse is withholding that affection, refusing to reconnect with you, or even reducing you to begging for basic things like hugs or holding hands, then Houston, we have a problem.
While decreased intimacy can certainly be a symptom of deeper relationship issues, it's not always a direct indicator of a failing marriage. Research suggests that a lack of intimacy, whether physical or emotional, can stem from various factors, including stress, communication breakdowns, and even underlying mental health concerns. However, combined with other signs of a strained relationship, such as a lack of emotional connection, frequent arguments, or a general sense of disconnection, it can point to more significant problems requiring attention.
5. You find yourself withdrawing from friends, family, or social interaction
This one’s nothing to fool with. You used to go out with the girls every Friday night after work, and now it’s an effort to lift the remote to watch the next episode of Game of Thrones. This is a sign.
Talking to your friends or mother on the phone only frustrates you, you feel like no one understands what you’re going through. Toxicity in a relationship manifests itself in really ugly ways, and one of them is depression.
6. You fantasize constantly about leaving your husband
Now, I’m not talking about the kind of fantasy where you momentarily consider running off with Channing Tatum and being his lotion girl. No. I’m talking about an actual feeling of relief that you get when considering life without your husband.
If you find yourself glancing through the For Rent section with more than passing curiosity, then your mind could be trying to tell you something. We’re all born with a "fight or flight" reaction inside of us. When things get unbearable emotionally or physically, our natural reaction is to flee and get away from the pain.
Fantasizing about leaving a marriage can indicate underlying dissatisfaction and potential problems within the relationship. These fantasies may stem from a desire for a different life, unresolved issues, or a feeling of hopelessness within the current marriage. However, research stresses that it's also important to recognize that 'soft' thoughts about divorce are common and don't necessarily indicate a crisis.
7. Your interactions with your spouse have turned downright mean
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If the occasional barb about leaving the toilet seat down has transformed into ripping off the toilet seat, nailing it to the grille on his truck, and placing a banner across it reading, “Now it’s down, sucka!” things have taken a turn for Nasty-ville.
As husbands and wives, we all know our spouse’s hot buttons and how to push them. But most of us avoid them (for the most part) because we don’t want to do or say something that will cause irreparable pain to the one we love. If that barrier is no longer there, it’s like a no-holds-barred for verbal sparring that usually gets ugly, fast.
8. You can’t remember the last time you were really happy in your marriage
I’m talking about that feeling you get when you look at your husband, that everything is right, that he’s still the one you’re meant to be with, and that everything is going to be okay.
If you simply can’t recall the last time you genuinely looked at his face and felt that — or instead were only filled with the urge to punch him — you might want to take a step back and determine whether this relationship is helping you or hurting you.
While there's no definitive study, consistently being unable to recall specific happy moments in a marriage can indicate deeper issues, potentially including a focus on negative memories or a lack of emotional processing within the relationship. It can indicate a struggle with maintaining positive emotional connections and could be related to factors like personality disorders or mismanaged expectations within the relationship.
No relationship is perfect, but you should be aware that if the majority of these signs sound like your marriage, you need to assess whether staying is the best thing for your emotional (and physical) well-being.
Use your best judgment, rely on friends and family, and seek professional help to guide you through the murky waters. You may discover someone who was there to help you all along — yourself.
Michela Montgomery is an author, actress, a freelance writer, as well as a former contributor to The Huffington Post.
