Heartbreak

Woman Gets Revenge By Frying, Eating Ex's Goldfish

Photo: Iulia Iun / 123RF
woman staring at goldfish

Here's one "I got revenge on my ex" story that's almost too astonishing (and disgusting) to believe. (Luckily, it didn't involve burning a cheating ex's home to the ground.)

In 2009, a fight between former common-law spouses in Pasadena, Texas took a turn for the ugly, and their pets were the ones who suffered the consequences.

The non-couple were in an argument over the ownership of some jewelry that the man had gifted to the woman but took back after the split. And the woman wanted the jewelry returned to her. 

So, she took her revenge on the family pets. The couple had seven goldfish, which they had gotten when they were still together. 

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But in a burst of Zeus-ian comeuppance, she kidnapped the defenseless goldfish from his home, then fried and ate them! Can someone point me in the direction of a barf bag right now?

The man was, naturally, quite incensed and called the police. When they arrived, the woman told them that she had already eaten three of the fish, and if you were feeling hopeful for the other four, it was too late for them as well. They were on a plate, already fried. 

The police responded with, "Uh, this is between y'all." (Note: I'm paraphrasing.) And no charges were filed. And to date, PETA has not staged a protest outside of the woman's residence. (What are you waiting for, PETA?) 

Here are a few observations and questions I've gathered based on this case:

1. There's an image this story conjures in my mind.

Though Pasadena is pretty close to the city of Houston, when I think of the words "common-law marriage," "domestic altercation," "Texas," and "police," I usually envision a guy wearing a wife-beater, a few empty Bud Heavy bottles, and a woman in a shirt, but no pants whom the officers know personally. And I love Texas.

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2. How does one get out of a common-law marriage?

Is there a common-law divorce? What if you move in with someone else and live with them for several years? Are you then known as a common-law polygamist?

3. I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to take gifts back.

There's probably a really derogatory name for someone who does that, but I wouldn't know it.

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4. Eating someone's pet fish, even if they are a goldfish, is pretty crazy.

It basically sends the message, "I'm a lunatic."

5. In my experience, that's not the way to eat goldfish.

Generally, it's done while they're alive and after five or six hours of keg beer. Insert sarcasm here, but there's no right way to ever eat a goldfish. I don't know why anyone would, but seriously, don't ever do it.

6. And perhaps, the most important question of all...

What did those harmless little fish ever do to you, lady? If you really want to get back at an ex, get that "revenge body" and be a better person by taking the high road.

Now, please join me in a moment of silence for those poor, innocent goldfish.

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Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in New York. He's been the general manager and coordinating video producer at YourTango for 12 years. 

Editor's Note: This article was originally posted on October 1, 2009.

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