5 Reasons Men Don't Ask You Out

Hint: It has nothing to do with your looks.

confused woman standing with her arms folded Cookie Studio / Shutterstock

If you're like most single women, you may be confused about why men never ask you out.

You have a first date every once in a while, but then you almost never hear from the guy again. It’s so frustrating!

You probably wonder why you should even continue with online dating or go out to mingle when it never results in your getting asked on dates.

You don’t know what you could be doing wrong, and wonder if perhaps all of the good men really are taken. From where you sit, it seems as though other women don’t have this same problem.


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As a dating coach for women, I see many of them make a lot of mistakes they aren’t the least bit aware they are making.

Thankfully, once you understand what's going on, you can sort things out, make some changes and improve your odds of finding love.


Five reasons why men don't ask you out

1. You insist on being staunchly independent.

No one can argue with the advantages of self-sufficiency. However, some women wear that independence as a badge of honor. Maybe your self-sufficiency was hard won and came at a big price, so you tout that boldly.

The trouble is, men find the staunchly independent woman unattractive.

This might surprise you, but men actually want to feel needed. Good men want to help you fix things, open jars, or build stuff. So, when you brag about how you can do everything yourself, he feels unneeded.

What are you supposed to do?

Don’t brag about your independence before the first date. Keep that amazing accomplishment under wraps initially, and let him see your softer side first. He’ll recognize your independence, but you don’t need to rub it in his face.


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2. You are all business all the time.

You love your job and you rock at it. Awesome! You can’t wait to get up in the morning, and that passion is highly admirable. But your date might not find your work as fascinating.

Whether the guy is an alpha male with a killer career or a beta guy who works for a living, neither one usually wants to talk about work on a date. Your enthusiasm won’t translate into fun for him.

On the flip side, you might kick up a sense of competitiveness — and nothing shuts down romance faster.

Come up with other topics that are fun to talk about, like vacations, books, movies, food, or free-time activities. This will be more entertaining for your date and bring out his passions too.


3. You are too much soccer Mom, not enough woman.

Your kids mean everything to you. You want them to have the best, enjoy their activities, and marvel at their growth. Naturally, you’re going to talk about your kids.

The question is how much time should you focus on that?

If you spend most of your initial communication discussing your children, you’ll be more “mom” than a woman, which is unappealing to men. At some point, your children will be a factor in your romantic relationship, but that’s down the road. Up front, a man is only interested in dating you.

Mentioning your kids is fine, but don’t dwell on them if you want to get a first or second date.


why men don't ask me out

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4. You put out too much negativity and spend too much time complaining.

The men I have coached tell me many women complain about life and dating from the moment they connect.

Good listeners get overwhelmed by women who spill their guts over coffee. Polite men try to muddle through until they can leave.


You’ll never make a good first impression by exposing your problems from the outset. Even if you have good reason to complain, you’ll just appear negative.

My suggestion is to start a practice of finding five things to be grateful for every day to shift your energy. Then think of more enjoyable things to talk about so you’ll be a fun date instead of a dating downer.

5. You get too wrapped up in sharing love war stories.

A lot of singles get to know each other by sharing love war stories. You want to explain your divorce or how men have flaked or lied. And you’re curious why your date’s last relationship failed.

Unfortunately, nothing could be more unproductive for finding love.


When you talk about men who treated you poorly, you make your date uncomfortable. He’ll wonder why some guy behaved that way towards you, and if he had good reason. Men get insulted when you bash other men — that’s a surefire way to push them away.

All communication leading up to the first date should have a positive spin. Show off your good qualities and what makes you a fabulous catch.

You can’t make a good first impression when you focus on heartbreak, and doing so is one huge reason men don’t ask you out.


Now, is the time to make a change.

If you realize any of these five reasons apply to you, promise yourself not to make these mistakes anymore. Doing so means you will become more positive, upbeat, and appealing to men.

Before you know it, you’ll be asked out more often — and you'll find the right man for you.

RELATED: 7 Types Of Men Who Seem Great, But Actually Make Relationships Miserable

Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a professional writer, love and dating coach, speaker, and workshop leader who shares her practical advice for mindful dating, love, and life with successful, single women.