5 Tiny-But Clear Signs Your Relationship Is Totally Over
You can't pretend there's nothing wrong anymore.
JESSICA TICOZZELLI | Canva At some point, we've all wondered, "Is this relationship working anymore?" Maybe your relationship has felt a little rocky, or maybe there are more obvious signs your relationship is over.
Maybe the intimacy has been on an extended hiatus ... longer than the time between the seasons of your favorite show. Maybe you find yourselves sitting in two separate rooms at the end of the day on your devices. Or maybe you've just been hanging in there waiting for something to happen with your partner that just isn't happening (like a proposal!).
When you love somebody though, knowing when to break up can be hard — even if things aren't exactly working out. Your relationship feels comfortable, even when it's uncomfortable. The lack of intimacy is often better than the thought of being alone. The constant bickering is better than having to financially make a go of it solo.
Even when things are good between you, sometimes they're just not good enough; yet, you can't face the truth that it's time to break up. Your relationship might be over, but you're not sure you're ready to leave. After all, breaking up with someone is still harder than being in a bad relationship.
So, how do you know when to break up and end your relationship for good?
Here are 5 tiny-but-clear signs your relationship is over:
1. You can't agree on big issues
You want one thing and your partner wants another. And no matter how many times you've discussed it, nobody is budging.
Sometimes two people just aren’t on the same page with what they want. For instance, Lisa was having a hard time accepting that her divorced boyfriend didn’t want to get married again. He had told her very early on he didn’t see himself remarrying, but she was so in love with him that she thought eventually he’d change his mind.
Now here she was two years later, living with him and helping to raise his two young kids fifty percent of the time, yet nothing had changed.
This is an all too common scenario with couples. One person might want to have kids and the other person doesn’t. One wants to date other people while the other wants to be exclusive.
If you want to give the relationship some time in the hope that your partner might eventually meet you where you’re at … have a go at it. But you also need to honor yourself by having a timeline for yourself. If your partner and you can’t both get to the same place after a lot of negotiating, it’s time to walk away.
2. You don't want to be intimate anymore
Having your intimate life slow down because you’ve been together a long time, and it’s not a priority is one thing. But full-on “this person doesn’t turn me on in the least anymore” not being intimate is another thing entirely. If this is the case, you have a problem.
If you’re married with small children, a slowing down of your love life is to be expected and not a reason to split up. It’s normal for any couple’s intimate life to ebb and flow as different life events happen.
But if your lack of love life has become a major issue the two of you fight about constantly or just don’t discuss at all, it may be a red flag. Ask yourself whether you’re willing to be in a relationship without any physical intimacy.
Intimacy is what makes a relationship different than just a friendship. If you’re no longer being intimate and have little desire to have any intimacy in the future with the person you’re with, it may be time to transition your relationship to just that: A friendship.
3. There's no trust
The foundation of every solid, lasting relationship is built on trust. Without it, the relationship is going to eventually fall apart. Nobody wants to worry that every time their partner walks out the door, doesn’t immediately respond to a text, or gets together occasionally with a friend of the opposite gender it’s going to be a “thing”.
If you’re the one with the trust issues and your partner hasn’t done anything to warrant not being trusted, you need to do the work on yourself first before you can be in any relationship.
Often trust issues stem from having been betrayed in a past relationship and that gets projected onto a new partner. If this is the case, going to therapy or working with a good relationship coach is often a great first step toward healing those trust issues so you can be in a healthy, lasting relationship.
If your partner has done something that’s broken your trust and you’ve tried working through it, yet still can’t let them off the hook or truly trust them again, it may be time to walk away. If you can’t feel safe inside your relationship, it’s time to let it go.
4. You bring out the worst in each other
Once upon a time, you two lovebirds made a great team. You were nice to strangers on the street. You became a better son and started calling your mom every Sunday just to see how she was doing. You stopped to pet small animals on the side of the road because doesn’t everyone deserve to feel loved just like you?
Yes, love can bring out the best in you. And when it does, this is a relationship you want to stay in.
But when you both find yourself yelling and screaming every time you interact, it's a bad sign. Are you miserable to be around because you’re constantly ticked off about some annoying thing your partner does? Or, do you find yourself constantly depressed instead of being the happy-go-lucky person you used to be before you met? If so, it’s time to get out.
5. You’ve lost yourself
Before you met your partner, you had a full life. You went to the gym five nights a week, played in a bowling league, attended concerts with your friends, and were always on the search for new classes you could take to expand yourself and meet new people.
Now, you do only things with your partner. You spend so much time focusing on them and their needs that you let go of your own long ago. You don’t remember the last time you got together with a friend. You’ve lost most of your friends because your partner never liked hanging out with them anyway.
If this is you, it may feel like you’ve lost yourself — and that’s not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with merging lives with someone we love, but merging involves combining the best of both of you, not abandoning everything about yourself to fit into your partner’s world.
If you find this has happened, it might be a good time to take some space from the relationship and put some time, energy, and focus into yourself for a while.
The healthiest relationships are the ones where we feel safe, secure, intimately connected, and in alignment with each other. If you’re experiencing any of these five things, it may be a sign your relationship is over and it's time to break up.
Sometimes, as difficult as it is, you need to let go of something to make space for something even greater.
Dina Strada is an LA-based life and relationship coach whose articles on love, relationships, and healing from infidelity and trauma have been published in numerous online publications including Huffington Post, Elephant Journal, Chopra, The Good Men Project, Elite Daily, and Medium.