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Step number five is key!
By Orna & Matthew Walters — Last updated on Nov 26, 2023
When you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you because the relationship you thought would stand the test of time didn’t work out, it hurts.
For some people, the pain is so intense that it’s physical. Maybe you cried. Maybe you got angry. Maybe you even tried scrolling dating apps or going out with someone new. But nothing seems to work. You start to wonder, "Why am I still not over my ex?"
Maybe the answer is that you aren't ready to move on because you missed a stage in your journey to healing. You can get over a breakup and turn the heartbreaker into just someone you used to know, as long as you embrace all of the stages of healing.
Here are six steps you must take in order to get over your ex.
1. Feel all of your feelings.
It may seem counter-intuitive because the pain of heartbreak can be intense, but the only way to release the pain is to go through it to the other side. Rather than going numb or attempting to shove down all those icky emotions — feel all of your feelings.
Your mind will play tricks on you and tell you that you will never feel happy again. This is a lie. The one thing you can count on is that your feelings will change.
You won’t feel bad forever, so instead of trying to avoid all those crappy feelings, dig in and allow yourself to feel them. Be angry or sad. Allow yourself to cry and scream. Even spend time feeling sorry for yourself. All your feelings are appropriate, even the ones that are painful to experience.
2. Let go of unfounded fantasies and false hope.
What you resist persists, as the old saying goes. Holding on to hope that he will change his mind and come back to you or that the two of you can work things out will keep the wound open and fresh, preventing you from healing your heart.
Also, pushing your feelings down will keep your heart guarded keeping you from healing and being open to a new relationship. Don’t decide now that love is not meant for you just because it didn’t work out. The opportunity for lasting love with an ideal partner is always available to you if you keep your heart open and learn from this experience.
3. Allow yourself to grieve.
A big part of getting over a breakup is acknowledging the loss. Instead of wondering if you made a mistake, ruminating over what was said during the breakup, or even wishing things were different between the two of you, just book time in your calendar to grieve and mourn the loss.
Obsessing over the details of the relationship and the breakup will only keep you stuck. You won’t be able to move on because your brain is looking for a solution to your pain. There's no logical solution to your heartbreak or why the relationship ended.
Just like not getting a job you had really wanted, a breakup is just another loss. Remind your brain that you’ve been through other losses and recovered. The pain you are feeling is a natural response. You had hope that this relationship would last. It is appropriate to mourn the loss of the life you thought you had, and now your life is changing, and you are moving in a new direction.
Begin the healing process by referring to the relationship in the past tense. The two of you were partners, and you used to be together. Like ripping off a band-aid quickly, the sooner you do this, the faster you will feel better overall.
4. Set a clear boundary.
Taking steps that move you towards healing your heart allows you to release your ex and move on. By setting a clear boundary, you're exercising the right to protect yourself. You may want to make a clear request that your ex does not contact you in any way. This gives you the gift of space and time so that you can process the separation, grieve, and move on.
Setting boundaries is also an act of self-care. Your heartache is a wound that requires healing. Every time you have contact with your ex it is like you are tearing off the scab of that wound and slowing down the healing process.
If you co-parent with your ex, you may need to have contact. Dealing with a joint business or settling finances may also require that you communicate with your ex. Limit all communication with your ex to the absolute necessities. If you must continue to communicate it is important that you set clear rules about how/when/where. Don’t ever feel like you must respond immediately if your ex does contact you.
Wait before you say or do something that will re-engage the two of you. Most situations do not require your immediate response, and many require no response at all.
5. Search for the golden nugget.
After you’ve taken some time to grieve and you know you’ll be okay without your ex, it’s time to do the deep healing of releasing your ex for good.
There's a point in the future where you will feel grateful for the relationship and how it helped you grow. You can speed up this learning by taking intentional steps to find the 'Golden Nugget of Learning.' In order to do this, start by journaling about the relationship and what you learned from the experience. Maybe the relationship patterns with your ex were unhealthy and you need to discover how to change those patterns for good. Or your ex could have been instrumental in motivating you to improve your communication skills. Or perhaps you’ve discovered that you abandoned your own needs and you’ve committed to never doing that again.
Take time to discover the most important nugget from the relationship. Learning this lesson will release you from your desire to get back with your ex.
You’ve discovered the 'Golden Nugget' when you feel grateful for the whole experience of having had the relationship so you can become a better, more evolved, version of yourself. Once you mine the relationship for the 'Golden Nugget,' you will no longer pine for your ex because the attachment to the relationship will be severed.
6. Start practicing forgiveness.
There's no such thing as a perfect person. Everyone is perfectly imperfect. You love someone for their uniqueness and often it’s their imperfections that leave an imprint on your heart.
Opening to forgiveness is another way to leave your ex in the past and move on for good. Forgiveness ultimately is for you. You get to be free! Forgiving your ex does not mean you ever have to communicate with them. You can do your forgiveness work on your own.
Forgiving your ex does not excuse their behavior. Instead, forgiveness releases you from holding onto any anger and resentment that is poisoning your happiness and joy.
Staying angry about your ex and becoming cynical about love only hurts yourself.
You may also have to forgive yourself for any missteps you made in the relationship. Beating yourself up isn’t helping you move on, nor does it make you a better person. Forgive yourself for any mistakes and release feelings of guilt and shame. Resolve to become a better person in your next relationship.
It may feel like the pain of a breakup will last forever and you’ll never find that kind of love again.
Take an intentional approach to your heartbreak, do some work on your Golden Nugget, and you’ll discover that your next relationship is healthier, more loving, and more fulfilling than any of your past relationships.
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Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s "The Millionaire Matchmaker."
This article was originally published at Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.