Photo: Joel Barwick / Unsplash
Here are signs a guy's not who he seems to be.
By my nguyen
Last updated on Dec 07, 2023
While no one is perfect, trusting your gut when it appears you've met a man who feels 'too good to be true,' especially in the beginning, can provide clues that he's hiding something or being manipulative.
At the beginning of a relationship, this is often known as love bombing and can make you feel enamored with a man, leading you to fall for someone who is not good for you.
Here are some signs that the guy you like is too good to be true.
1. He's perfect
As perfect as a man may seem, remember: he's still human. Perfect on paper doesn't always equate to perfect for you.
The old adage still rings true: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If he's doing and saying all of the right things, it may be that you're lucky enough to have found yourself a keeper. But it might also be that he's trying too hard to hide a side of himself from you.
If a man is interested in you, and your connection is genuine, he won't need to overcompensate. Period.
2. He's hot, then he's cold
The reality is that all men need their space, but if a guy is extremely attentive one day and then incredibly distant and indifferent the next, it may be a sign that his heart isn't 100 percent in the relationship.
Maybe he doesn't know what he wants, or maybe he's seeing another woman. Regardless of the reason, we just know it's a sign that you need to show him that you can get along without him, too.
3. Other people speak unfavorably about him
If you bring your guy around people who care about you, and they suggest that something may not be right, listen to what they have to say. You may know him best, but it's sometimes easier for someone outside of the relationship to point out what you've missed.
4. When confronted with conflicts, he runs
Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, but if you approach a guy about his lies, and he makes no effort to accept responsibility for his choices, or, worse yet, he continues to deny lying, it's you who should be running from him. Don't give him a chance to lie to you again.
5. You have everything in common.
To establish a healthy relationship, it's crucial to have things such as values and hobbies in common. However, no two people are exactly the same, so if you meet someone who appears to be you in male form, be wary — it could be a sign of mirroring, a tactic manipulative people use to create a false sense of connection.
However, as the relationship progresses, the facade cracks, revealing the manipulator for who they truly are.
6. He's always checking in on you.
It feels wonderful to be with someone who's attentive and seemingly genuinely interested in the goings-on of your everyday life. However, there can certainly be too much of a good thing when it comes to asking about your plans and whereabouts, and that type of communication can be a sign of deep insecurity and can easily become controlling behavior.
Photo: Jonas Leupe / Unsplash
"Constant texts and phone calls is a way to monitor another person's activities," Lisa Aronson Fontes, a psychology researcher at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and author of "Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship," told Business Insider. "In the beginning of a relationship, this constant contact may feel like a sign of love. Over time, the person realizes that she is not free to live her own life without constant interference, in the form of these texts and phone calls."
7. He's always lending a helping hand.
It's refreshing to meet genuinely kind and selfless people. But not all who go out of their way to help others fit that criteria. This behavior may also be indicative of a people pleaser, a personality trait that can be draining on relationships in the long run.
8. He's always available to spend time with you.
Especially during the honeymoon phase, spending time with your partner is priceless. But the reality is that we all have work responsibilities, hobbies, family matters and friendships to maintain outside of the relationship. A man who doesn't have other things going on in his life may indicate someone with codependent tendencies.
9. He compares you to his 'crazy' exes.
Relationships come to an end for several different reasons, but one thing most breakups have in common is that both partners play at least a small part in its demise. It takes two to tango, as they say, so it's highly unlikely that all of his breakups were the fault of "crazy" exes alone. This is a sign he's unable to take responsibility for his own actions and lacks self-awareness.
10. Your gut tells you something is off.
Photo: Sergey Sokolov / Unsplash
While it's easy to dismiss your intuition when there's no seemingly logical reason to do so, trusting your intuition really equates to trusting yourself. According to Harvard Business Review, intuition is akin to a "second brain" that allows you to make knowledgeable decisions, even when you may not be able to articulate why.
Although these stealthy, smooth-talking, 'too good to be true' guys exist in abundance, life goes on.
Cut your losses, realize you're smarter for the next time, and thank him for helping you to realize what real men look like, as opposed to boys just playing the part.
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My Nguyen is a writer and journalist who covers relationships, pop culture, entertainment and self-help.