Heartbreak

6 Ways To Know If Your Instant Connection Is Real — Or Just An Illusion

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There are moments when you feel magnetically drawn to someone that set you off thinking you may have met your soulmate.

So, what’s going on when this happens? 

Will the instant charge of attraction fade, and the two of you drift apart?

Or is this feeling really a sign from the universe that you’ve finally met "the one?"

The signs of both circumstances are there to read — if you know where and how to look.

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Is your magical-feeling connection healthy or unhealthy?

You know the experience: You walk into a room of people you don’t know, and one person stands out from the rest like they’ve got a white-hot spotlight on them.

Everyone else is just background extras in your own personal movie. They don’t pop for you at all.

You and this stranger connect, and the conversation flows easily. It’s almost as if you’ve known each other forever.

You’re comfortable in their presence, and you feel butterflies of excitement in your stomach. Your mind is racing forward in time, filling in all the things you’d like to do and places to go with this newfound person.

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Isn’t this the pinnacle of a romantic fantasy? 

You just meet and live happily ever after because the two of you are so in sync and on the same wavelength.

You don’t even have to speak about your needs and desires because the two of you appear to be of one mind.

There are rare times when people are magnetically drawn to someone, and love just happens as easily as that initial attraction did. 

However, here’s the bad news — it is the exception and not the rule. 

If your plan for lasting love is no plan at all, you’ll find that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, frustration, and loneliness.

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That magical 'love at first sight' feeling might not be so healthy

If your desire for love is high and you’ve been unsuccessful at creating lasting love, then perhaps being magnetically drawn to someone has a different meaning than you’ve come to expect.

The feeling of familiarity may be a signal from your subconscious that this person isn’t at all what you want and in fact, they may be connected to your wounds about love.

So, how do you know the difference? How do you know if being magnetically drawn to someone is kismet, or if this is once again that frustrating lather-rinse-repeat cycle in your love life?

If your subconscious strategies for love are corrupted by outdated or faulty “relationship software programming” then your internal GPS for love may be guiding you to repeat and recreate old patterns that will never take you to your goal of long-lasting love.

This means is that when you are magnetically drawn to someone it’s because your subconscious highlights an energetic match to all that is familiar to you and ignores everything that is not. This familiarity goes all the way back to birth, including your relationships with your parents, siblings, and caregivers as well as the strategies you learned for giving and receiving love in childhood.

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How your childhood experiences shape your attractions as an adult

Your experiences in your early childhood (before age 8) created your unique imprint for love. As a child, you had two emotional needs that must be met to survive and thrive in the world. You needed to feel loved and safe.

To have these needs fulfilled, you took on any belief, behavior, or strategy necessary. That’s how important they were to your survival.

This childhood wound has a significant impact on how you interact with others in your adult relationships. This is particularly true when it comes to selecting a romantic partner.

Your subconscious mind recognizes a match to your childhood wounds and highlights them for you. It’s as if a signal goes off in your mind and body saying, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” Unfortunately, your subconscious cannot tell you if familiarity is good or bad because its job is to remain aligned with your relationship homeostasis.

Ultimately, you are all too often magnetically drawn to someone who matches your childhood wounds and thus does not make a good life partner for you.

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The reality is that your subconscious mind cannot always judge well, so it has no idea if the familiar is good or bad for you.

When your love GPS is faulty, then you will misinterpret those signals of fear and danger and confuse them with excitement and attraction. You’ll need to understand the differences between healthy attraction and unhealthy attraction.

Just because you are magnetically drawn to someone doesn’t mean that you are fated to be together. It also doesn’t automatically mean that the two of you are bad for each other.

It’s what happens after the initial attraction that is most important and will inform you whether this person is an ideal match for you long-term.

The key is to take things slowly so that your emotions don’t cloud your judgment.

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Six signs your instant coonnection is not healthy

1. The connection becomes an obsession

Being magnetically drawn to someone can feel intoxicating and new relationships trigger the chemical high of falling in love.

However, if you’re feeling obsessive and consumed with the relationship then you could be with someone who is triggering your childhood wounds. If you can’t stop thinking about your partner and are unable to focus on other things in your life, then it is a clear sign there is an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you.

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2. It moves too fast

Pay attention if you or your partner takes steps to move the relationship forward quickly before you really know each other.

It can feel romantic when you decide to run away together or jump into an exclusive relationship after only a couple of dates, but when fantasy meets reality, the relationship will not survive the inevitable power struggle.

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3. There are no healthy boundaries

Love does not include merging into one being. True love requires respect, and respectful love always includes boundaries.

You are two separate people with different strategies, habits, and temperaments. Just because you are magnetically drawn to someone doesn’t mean that they complete you. You are not half a person who needs to find your other half to be complete (by definition that’s a co-dependent relationship).

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4. You keep it a secret

Part of coming together in a new relationship is sharing your lives together. You become a part of his group of friends, and he is included with yours. Eventually, when the time is right, you each introduce one another to your families.

When you are magnetically drawn to someone do you wish to keep your relationship in an isolated bubble away from other parts of your life?

A relationship isn’t more exciting because it’s a secret — and if it is it’s part of a detrimental pattern.

5. You fill in the blanks

When you are magnetically drawn to someone the many feel-good chemicals that are flowing through your brain can easily cloud your vision. The hope that you’ve finally met your soulmate can further confuse your judgment.

People who get scammed by someone catfishing ignore obvious signs. They get caught up and invest emotionally in someone they barely know or never met.

Beware of filling in the blanks and only seeing what you want to see. Verify facts and use your discernment before you commit your heart.

6. You lose a sense of self

If isolate yourself and your friends complain that you disappear every time you feel magnetically drawn to someone, you may have a harmful pattern of sacrificing yourself in a relationship.

Merging quickly and allowing your needs and wants to take a backseat to your partner’s is a clear signal that you have a distressing strategy that needs to be addressed before you can find lasting love.

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Six signs your instant connection is healthy & meant to last 

1. You stay grounded

Sharing your life with someone brings with it many challenges as life will sometimes throw you a curveball. Staying grounded when you feel magnetically drawn to someone keeps you from falling for the fantasy of perfection.

Your soulmate will not be a mind-reader who just gets you. You will have disagreements and miscommunication. You don’t need to idealize your partner to love him.

If you can enjoy and appreciate your strong connection and still stay present to see this person as they are without rose-colored glasses, then you can make things work long-term.

2. You feel accepted for yourself

Being magnetically attracted to your soulmate allows you to feel loved and accepted as is. You will not have to change for your soulmate (although you may make some accommodations for one another especially as you grow together over time).

You know your magnetic attraction is true because your soulmate will get you. He will love you because of your quirks and flaws, not despite them.

He will understand your wounds and triggers, and he will support you to live at your highest and best self.

Your soulmate will choose to love you no matter what — yes, even when you make mistakes or disappoint him.

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3. You can be real

Being magnetically drawn to someone is a good sign when the two of you are authentic with each other from the start. You don’t hold back or keep your heart closed. You speak how you feel and clearly ask for what you want.

Your soulmate won’t be offended or put off when you speak up. He’ll be excited to discover what you need and will step up to honor requests. Authenticity holds a high vibration, and you will find it easy to connect with your soulmate when you’re not walking on eggshells or evaluating how you should or shouldn’t communicate.

4. You respect your differences

A relationship with someone who is just like you would be boring and lack chemistry. It is the differences that make two people come together and last as a couple. An introvert ends up with an extrovert. Someone with a reserved demeanor connects with a partner who is emotionally expressive.

One of you is a saver, the other a spender. The magic of differences means that in a soulmate relationship you defer to each other’s strengths.

Being magnetically drawn to someone who respects and values the differences between you instead of getting stuck in a power struggle is a sign that your connection is true. In a soulmate relationship, you can let your partner take care of the things that you aren’t good at, and you can be appreciated for your areas of expertise.

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5. You want to make amends

Being magnetically attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you won’t experience disappointment. Life is full of challenges and part of a thriving balanced life is having someone to navigate those challenges with you.

This doesn’t mean that your soulmate won’t occasionally let you down or disappoint you. Your soulmate is a flawed human just like you are. The difference is your soulmate will do what is necessary to repair and make amends when they mess up.

6. You want to share the important things

You may not like the same kind of movies or music as your soulmate. The two of you may have very different hobbies. But you both know that these are not what is important. When you are on the same page with what is really important then you can trust your magnetic connection.

When you both value the same things in life and can respect each other’s strategies for achieving your goals, then your attraction can lead to lasting love.

It takes time to discover if someone is capable of being your ideal match. It’s very easy when you feel magnetically drawn to someone to fail at paying attention to the signs the relationship isn’t healthy for you.

Take your time. No matter how strong your connection is, and you’ll be open to discovering if your love can stand the test of time.

Being magnetically drawn to someone is no guarantee that you’ve met your soulmate. Slowing down the dating process speeds up the opportunity to discover an ideal match for you for the long term.

Not rushing into exclusivity ensures that you won’t fall into the unhealthy patterns embedded in your unique relationship homeostasis.

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Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s "The Millionaire Matchmaker." They're the authors of the free ebook, "7 Steps To Soulmating," which can be found on their website

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This article was originally published at Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.