Confessions Of A Bitter Mistress: I Was In Love With 'Our' Man

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“Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them it doesn't mean that they will treat you the same way.”

It seemed as though my life was spinning out of control but to most, it seemed I had it together. I was fighting depression alone, raising children alone, and hiding from the embarrassment of being separated from my husband.

My children were my driving force behind keeping me stable. They were — and are — my strength, my eyes. They are my everything.

When I started out on my journey of life, it included my husband and my children. My ultimate goal in life was to make them better and be the best mother and wife that I could be. No marriage is a fairytale and ours was very far from it.

My husband and I have dealt with infidelity, verbal and physical abuse, and abandonment. But we seemed to always fight through — or at least I did. But I had grown tired. And as we spent time apart, I slowly learned that I was fighting alone; my husband left a long time ago. I tolerated more than I should have.

Of course, I still wanted my marriage — but I wanted a marriage that my husband would want as well. It was during our separation that I was forced to work two jobs to provide for my kids. And that's where I met him.

My intentions were never to fall in love. In fact, they were far from that. Despite the smile I wore daily, I was very depressed. I lost my faith in love and hope. I turned away every man that wanted my attention. Every man lied and only wanted one thing in my eyes. Every man would eventually use me.

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I was the woman that was hurt by her own husband’s infidelity. His eyes had grabbed me, held me close, and told me everything would be okay.

He managed to captivate my very well-being with his attention, silliness, care, and observations. He picked up on my bad days or when I was bothered by something. He knew how to say the right things to get my mind right. He gave me hope again. He gave me back my faith. He made me believe that better days were coming and they were coming with him included.

He considered us a team. It was something that I had always believed was necessary for a successful relationship. He spoke of our future and I began to see it so clearly.

Of course, there were many times I felt guilty about being with a married man. I tried to pull away from him but for some reason, I just couldn’t. He told me that I loved him — and he was right. The more I fought it, the more I loved him. He loved me back so well that I eventually chose to forget that he had a wife.

When he was with her, he made sure I still felt like I was a valuable part of his life. He seemed to read my mind and assured me he would fix our complicated situation. I was sure this man I was in love with was going to make everything right at some point.

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Many will hate me for being with a man who's married but I don’t care anymore. People come into your life for seasons and reasons. And when he did, I was down and out. I was depressed and still wanted a marriage with a man that left me long before he left our home. I was making sure the family that he left, survived.

And I was doing it all alone. I went home alone every night. I spent my days alone. But when he came into my life, he awoke my spirit of happiness. He awoke my dreams. And for that, I will always respect and love him.

But I also loved him enough to let him go when the time came that he decided to end things with me and stay with his wife. I went back into a depression for a while, but I saw his happiness — and through that, I saw mine again. It may not be with the man that I wanted, but it reminded me that I had found myself once before and I could do it again.

I am relieved that his marriage was salvageable. (Mine wasn't.) I wanted him to be happy and it didn’t matter what it took for that to happen, even if that meant losing him to his wife. Many will think of me as a homewrecker or a whore but that’s not what I was. It was not my job to respect his marriage. It was his.

I do believe he was unhappy. I do believe he really wanted to be with me. I do believe he wanted a future with me, but I, as well as he, also knew he already had a family and obligations.

I learned from my own failed marriage that you can’t force love. You can only respect obligations. I knew his wife's pain all too well which is why I spared her the details and the truth.

To this day, she doesn't know he was with me. I knew she would never leave him, so why give her the same memories of torture that I had dealt with for years?

Photo: Author

Mistresses are often misunderstood and it’s always assumed we're the aggressors, the bad people. The truth is sometimes our minds can’t control our hearts. The other woman's story is never known, never told.

The other woman wants love as well. She craves attention — but sometimes, it comes from the wrong person. The other woman has feelings and she loves unconditionally and is being loved in return, but still feels guilty for hurting another woman. Sometimes he’s just that manipulating.

Whatever the reason, her heart takes over. Us mistresses are not all the same. Sometimes we really do just love the same man that you do. It’s not a competition or a race to steal him; it’s love. There are three hearts involved and two love the same heart.

I regret loving another woman's man and wish to apologize to her, but I do love him enough to keep our secret. So on behalf of all the mistresses that really do love the same man as you, we are so sorry.

Kymberlee King is a contributor to Yourtango.