Mom Says ‘If A Child Has To Pack A Bag To Stay At Your House, It’s Not Co-Parenting, It’s Babysitting’
When co-parenting, each parent should have equal responsibility in caring for the kids.
Design: YourTango | Photo: Yuganov Konstantin, Canva “Disrespectfully, if a child has to pack a bag to stay at your house, it’s not co-parenting, it’s babysitting,” a mom who goes by “Allie" said in a video. Her point was simple: If a child has to pack a bag, it's a visit. Your house is not a home for them.
Her take might be extreme, but she certainly made a point. Unfortunately, generalizations don't always fit for every scenario. Co-parenting can look very different from one situation to the next. What works for one set of parents might not be ideal for another.
A mom caused a stir by calling out some parents for a style of co-parenting that she likened to babysitting.
Allie's video was short but powerful. In it, she was obviously packing for her children’s visit with their father. But it wasn't items like a favorite teddy or items they might need for school. It was basics like toothpaste and other toiletries. Her point was clear. A real co-parent would already have a home fully stocked for their child because, well, it's their home.
Like Allie, many might feel that they are taking on the majority of the responsibility when it comes to co-parenting. Oftentimes, before parents split, the separation of duties has organically fallen into place, with the mother traditionally taking on a majority of the childcare. If that has been the status quo, it might take some time for the father to get used to duties he’s not accustomed to doing.
While 51% of parents in custody cases agree that the mother should be the custodial parent, the aim is for the responsibility to be equally shared to protect and foster the well-being of the children.
Bad co-parenting can have detrimental outcomes for the children involved.
Every family will approach co-parenting differently, and the goal is that the routine puts as little stress on the kids as possible. The act of packing a suitcase and shuffling your little one back and forth can do the exact opposite, making the child feel like a visitor in each of their respective homes.
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According to HuffPost contributor Candice Curry, having a child pack a bag and differentiating between the items mom bought versus those that dad purchased can create a divide that continues to grow as parents draw a line in the sand, and can make kids feel like they are two different people. Curry agreed with Allie's point that, at the bare minimum, each parent should provide the basics for their kids (like clothes, a toothbrush, and, as Allie explained, any medicine the child might need) to make them feel more secure and at home.
Healthy co-parenting through communication and cooperation gives the kids involved a sense of stability while maintaining their emotional well-being. Minimizing conflict will reduce stress and anxiety in your child, make them feel safe, and possibly stop them from blaming themselves for the split and the resulting acrimony.
According to research conducted by Ohio State University, keeping the peace starts with co-parents seeing one another in a positive light and working together to create a positive and secure environment for their child.
Allie's point was that each parent should be able to provide basic necessities for their children.
She explained that the expectation goes both ways, whether the little ones were going from mom’s house to dad’s or vice versa. She said that she had packed her baby’s pacifier, vitamins for allergies, natural cold syrup for her two-year-old, and a few other toiletries, all things that she believes both parents should keep on hand since they are both aware of the need for them.
“I’m providing those things for him because Dad won’t do it,” Allie alleged. Each of the children has their own separate bag filled with clothing that she packs for trips to their dad's house. She asserted that basic things like clothes, diapers, wipes, etc. are things that should be present in each household to meet the needs of the children.
If not, according to her, that makes you underqualified to be considered a parent, and you are simply babysitting your own children.
With that said, this mother is totally valid in expecting her children’s father to step up to the plate and take good care of them when it’s his turn. That's her reality. That's her experience. That's what would be best for her kids. That's not always the case for every co-parenting situation, however.
Anything and everything can make packing the necessities important. Perhaps one parent is disabled, works out of state for long stretches of time, or doesn't live in an environment with enough room for everything kids need. These are very real scenarios that might arise, which don't immediately make one parent better than the other.
What's best for the kids doesn't always look the same for each family. Allie should absolutely expect more from her co-parent because that's her reality.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
