The Art Of Raising A Confident Daughter: 9 Ways I Hope My Gen-Z Girl Protects Her Heart Better Than I Did
Every mom wants her daughter to be strong and sure of herself.
Leonid Privalov | Unsplash An open letter to my daughter,
Hey, kid. It's your mother here. You know how great I think you are, and how much I love you. You know I admire what an incredible mind you have, and how funny you are, and that I think you're beautiful. Relationships are a tricky thing, and getting into them can be scary if you don't have any guidance. Lucky for you, I've made plenty of relationship mistakes in my life that we both can learn from.
Here are 9 ways I hope my Gen-Z daughter protects her heart better than I did:
1. Don't be embarrassed if you like someone and they don't like you back
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When you start to have crushes on people, don't worry about trying to hide your feelings or wonder if you're cool enough to like the person you like. If you like someone, it's okay to show it. Having warm feelings for someone is a gift, one that is meant to be offered to the person you have the feelings for. If it turns out that they don't feel the same way, that's okay.
Psychologist Dr. Wendy Lyon explains that rejection is not a reflection of your worth as a person. You might feel hurt or disappointed, and it's important to let yourself feel those feelings, but don't beat yourself up over it.
Hopefully, they'll express that kindly, but even if they're jerks about it, don't take it personally. There's nothing wrong with sharing a little bit of your heart's love with somebody.
If they don't like you back, someone will. Don't take that kind of rejection as a sign that there's something wrong with you or that you're not good enough. Just view it as a simple compatibility issue and move on with grace.
2. Don't make finding a romantic partner the primary focus of your young life
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Know this now: love will find you. Because it is already within you. So you don't have to worry about finding someone to spend the rest of your life with when you're just a teenager. There will always be love in and around and throughout your life, so allow it to buzz about you, and grab it when the time is right. Don't try to chase it or catch it.
Focusing on your career, spirituality, community involvement, and artistic or creative pursuits can help with depressive tendencies and also provide you with an outlet for your intellect, agrees clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten.
Focus on your gifts and how you want to share them with the world, and trust that all of your relationships will unfold as they should over time. You will meet all the people you need to meet out in the world by simply living your life. (But I mean, try online dating if you feel like it. Just don't use Tinder to hook up. Or do. But then remember what my dad always used to say: "If you can't behave, be safe!")
3. Don't get married too young
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People live such long lives now. And since you plan on adopting instead of having children of your own (though that may change), there's no rush for you to get married and have babies.
Even if you decide you do want to have a child of your own, you have well into your 30s to do so without worry, so you don't have to get married right out of college. (But you do have to go to college. How else are you going to become an engineer/fashion designer?!)
Clinical social worker Kelsey Torgerson says it's crucial to at least wait until the human brain is fully developed to find a life mate, which isn't until age 25, explaining "I believe it's best to wait until this marker — it's also important to experience stressors with your partner that you overcome, so you want to know that you have the conflict management strategies in place for a healthy, successful marriage down the road."
Take your time and realize that if you get married, you're participating in a serious legal agreement that is very expensive and sometimes difficult to get out of, not to mention terribly painful to end. Try to be as sure as anyone can that you're entering a partnership that will last. That kind of assuredness comes from the ability to clearly examine things, which is developed with age and experience.
4. Don't try to fix someone
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There's a fairly common expression that says, "People don't change." That's not entirely true. Fixing a relationship takes both people, and you can't help someone more than they are willing to help themselves. People can change. And some people do. But many people don't. Furthermore, no one changes because someone else is trying to change them.
People can only change themselves. If you're with someone you feel a need to "fix," that's a sign that you should get out of the relationship in the hopes of finding someone you like just the way they are. (It's also a sign of co-dependence, but let's hope you won't have problems with that, Miss Independent!)
5. Don't stay in a relationship because you're scared to be alone
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No unhappy relationship is worth staying in. Period. Ever. Never be afraid to leave a relationship because you think you'll be even more unhappy by yourself or that you won't be able to make it in life without someone to take care of you. It's not true. You have the power of the whole universe inside of you. You are just fine, and you always will be. You have everything you need.
Dr. Beth O'Brien, a licensed psychologist, emphasizes that being alone without companionship can result in feeling sad and perhaps lonely, but you don't have to be imprisoned in this feeling state and limit the precious life you've been given. You can view being alone as an opportunity to befriend yourself and learn to embrace periods of solitude.
6. Don't rationalize or ignore toxic behavior
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If you're in a relationship with someone, and they're hurting you, get out. You know the rule: relationships (romantic, familial, and platonic) are supposed to add to your life and make you feel good. They are not supposed to be stressful or make you feel bad about yourself. Ideally, a relationship should be good 70% of the time, maybe even more.
If it's not good more than 50% of the time, run. Run as far away and as fast as you can. If it's hovering somewhere in the 60% enjoyable range, try to work on it, but if it doesn't improve, say goodbye. Emotional abuse or manipulation leads to feeling confused and not being able to trust yourself. Never stop trusting yourself. If you lose your way in a relationship and can't find your own voice anymore, talk to your friends and let them help you find yourself. Pain is not love, love is not pain. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
7. Don't stay with someone longer than you should
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If you know it's time to end a relationship but you find yourself making excuses (remember: it's always almost a holiday all year long), tell yourself to snap out of it. Don't waste time being unhappy. It doesn't serve you or the person you're with. Psychologist Dr. Perrin Elisha emphasizes that if you know you're in an unhealthy relationship and need to end it, get support in finding your clarity and plan.
8. Don't forget that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself
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RuPaul said it best: "If you can't love yourself, how in the world are you gonna love somebody else?" You know the difference between selfishness and self-love. Don't ever stop taking care of and loving yourself. Once, when you were 6, you made a drawing that said, "Love Yourself Every Day." I hope you'll still feel that way when you're 66! And 86! And 106.
Relationship therapist Nancy Carbone, who specializes in treating personality disorders and relational trauma, explains that when you love the person you are, you don't need others to fill the void inside you. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for all other relationships and experiences in your life.
9. Don't give up on love
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It's easy to think that as we age, and relationships keep ending, that romantic love is an impossible ideal and that the only real hope is to dive into bitterness and close your heart up forever. But it's not true. I feel like I understand more about love now than I ever have, and I hope I can keep learning. I can't wait to watch you learn, too. I love you. Love, Mom
Carolyn Castiglia is a comedian, television personality, and writer. She has made many memorable cameos on cable networks, including VH1, MTV, Comedy Central, Food, and more.
