4 Old-School Marriage Tips From Baby Boomers That Actually Make A Lot Of Sense
Kevin Feller | Unsplash As my daughter moves through adolescence and toward adulthood, there are a few critical things I want her to know about marriage. While I want her to find true love in her life, I can't sell her fairytale dreams of pretty white dresses. Marrying the wrong person is often devastating, especially for women. The truth is, marriage isn't always right for everyone.
The origins of marriage rise out of a dark history. And even in modern times, research suggests that divorce hurts women financially far more than it does men. It's time for parents to talk to their children — particularly their daughters — about healthy, modern-day marriage and what that means.
Here are four old-school marriage tips from Baby Boomers that actually make a lot of sense:
1. Don't settle
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No, don't freaking settle! Maybe all of your friends are getting married, so you want to as well. Yet, you haven't met someone you want to spend your life with, so you settle for a guy who wants you (unsure about your true feelings). You're going to regret it, big time.
Settle on a pair of shoes or even a car, but don't settle on your life partner. This decision is the most important one you will make. Your life partner dictates how you will raise your family, financial status, career, and enjoyment of life.
How can you settle on such an important decision? Sheryl Sandberg has frequently discussed the importance of picking the right life partner as the key to personal and professional success. Take her advice and choose wisely.
Where couples start in terms of how happy they are reveals a ton about where they'll end up because your initial satisfaction level is a super strong predictor of your long-term marriage trajectory. Studies show that couples who start marriage with lower satisfaction tend to stay that way or get even worse instead of magically improving over time, which means if you're settling now and hoping things will somehow get better after the wedding, you're basically setting yourself up for years of disappointment.
2. Don't change for them
Many of my clients are going through a divorce, and often the biggest regret is pretending they were someone else to find a partner. Once married, they went on to seek themselves, which led to problems.
If you change yourself for a partner, when will you be comfortable in your skin? The answer is never. Look for a life partner who will love you for who you truly are.
It's reasonable to make changes in a relationship to get along better, but it isn't reasonable to charade someone we aren't in exchange for love. Have a voice, use it, and let people who don't like your voice leave. They weren't meant for you anyway.
Research found that being yourself is literally the best dating strategy for finding successful long-term relationships because authenticity is strongly linked to positive romantic outcomes and emotional intelligence. When you pretend to be someone else just to attract a partner, you can't keep that fake version going forever and once you start being your real self in the marriage, it creates huge problems because your partner fell in love with someone who wasn't actually you.
3. Red flags when you meet them, turn into billboards when you marry them
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A quote from one of my extremely wise clients. The bottom line is, if you see trouble when you first date someone, don't believe problems will magically disappear when you get married. They won't!
If you can't live with any issues a prospective partner brings to the table, end the relationship. Seriously, end it now.
We all bring some baggage with us, but don't fool yourself into thinking that you can "love them out" of theirs. You can't, and you shouldn't try. Love them as they are, or let them go.
Women's doubts about getting married before the wedding turned out to seriously predict divorce just four years later, which means those red flags aren't just cold feet or normal jitters. Studies show that premarital concerns you have aren't something you work through or get over, but actually a sign of real trouble ahead because the issues you notice before marriage typically get way bigger, not smaller, once you're dealing with actual married life together.
4. Don't fall into traditional gender roles, unless you both agree that's what you want
Your career is as important as theirs, and their involvement in parenting is as important as yours. Couples are often happier with more fluid, less traditional roles. Think carefully about how you want your life to proceed within a marriage.
A woman's financial independence is crucial if a marriage ends in divorce or if her spouse dies. Too many women readily give up their earning potential, often to devastating results.
Men need comfort when raising children, whether they have a life partner or not. Helping each other be financially capable and involved parents is good for your relationship and family. It doesn't unduly burden either person and allows you to share so much more that life has to offer.
People with egalitarian attitudes toward gender roles report way higher marital satisfaction than those who stick to traditional roles because egalitarian couples engage in way more shared decision-making and emotional support. Studies show that when couples moved away from traditional gender norms toward more flexible arrangements, marital stability actually improved because both partners could pursue what works for them instead of one person always sacrificing their career or potential for outdated expectations about who should do what.
The good news about modern marriage is that we can make it what we want. Women are in control of their destinies, and our daughters can learn this from a very young age, just as long as we lead by example. Planning who they want to spend their life with is one of their most important goals in life.
Marriage is no longer an absolute or must-do. Marriage is optional and thus allows women to choose wisely the first time or completely opt out of marriage entirely. Our daughters need our support in understanding these choices and making them wisely.
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist, certified professional life and executive coach, and a highly experienced corporate speaker. She helps people overcome stress and overwhelm to find joy in their personal lives and success and meaning in their professional lives.
