8 Unspoken Boundaries Modern Adults Set With Their Aging Parents That Sound Bold To Boomers
Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock When baby boomers were coming of age, they were expected to do everything their parents asked. This may have meant acting a certain way or keeping up appearances to please them. They often lacked the independence other generations have insisted on, so while they may not understand why their own children and grandchildren are challenging them by setting boundaries as they are getting older, they may have something to learn from them.
Younger generations, especially millennials, are challenging many of the norms boomers grew up with. This is especially relevant in family dynamics. Gone are the days of putting up with toxicity. Boomers may not understand how they can prioritize their own needs over those of their aging parents, but that is exactly what is happening.
Modern adults are setting these unspoken boundaries with their aging parents that sound incredibly bold to baby boomers
1. They’re done playing the middleman
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Older generations may not realize how much they rely on the younger ones to play family therapist. It’s no secret that many families struggle with grudges. As relationships start to change, they expect a third person to come in and fix it. It’s called a family triangle, and it puts pressure on one person to fix everything.
Toxic family dynamics are something the younger generation is starting to change, even with their aging parents. They’re not afraid to cut people out of their lives who are making things more complicated. Playing the family middleman isn’t worth the stress, and Boomers may be confused about why they do it.
2. They’re not always available to chat
Over time, phone calls from parents have become something younger generations dread. In fact, they might ignore them entirely. This can cause friction between family members, but it’s a way to enforce a boundary that supports individuality. The truth is, we are all busy and may not have the time for a phone call every day. These people put their feet down and will only chat when they have the time.
They may feel nagged by their loved ones to pick up the phone. Instead of wanting to have a conversation, it feels forced and uncomfortable. They’ve taken steps to make themselves less available so they can focus on themselves.
3. They text instead of having long phone conversations
Modern adults are using technology like never before. It’s completely shifted how they connect with other people. They occasionally go long periods without seeing people face-to-face because everything from work to their social relationships can be completed digitally. Instead of prioritizing phone calls or visits with their families, they might prefer to send their thoughts in a text.
For boomers, this sounds unreasonable. They didn’t grow up with access to smartphones and computers, and still value hearing their loved one’s voices. It can be confusing why the younger generation sets this boundary. Technology is an afterthought, not their preferred way to communicate.
4. They don’t allow unplanned visits
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If you live close to your parents, you’ve likely experienced an unannounced drop-in. They show up when they want to chat or to see the grandkids like it’s no big deal. What they don’t realize is that they are hijacking your day. Now, you have to entertain them, and work or other tasks have to be put on hold. It feels like an invasion of privacy.
Unplanned visits can cause modern adults to pull away from their parents. They want their autonomy and independence. Enforcing this boundary gives them what they need, though it is not always accepted by family members who want to do things on their own terms.
5. They shut down unsolicited advice
Parents are notorious for giving their two cents even when it wasn’t asked for. Of course, having guidance from your parents is nice, but it doesn’t always help. This is especially relevant when it comes to parenting or financial decisions. Instead of putting our needs first, we may take their advice to heart because we want to please them, which can change our actions in the end.
Unsolicited advice can be tricky. When our parents offer their thoughts, it’s hard to tell whether they want what’s best or are telling us what they want. Let’s say someone wants to move to a different state than their family. Are they telling you not to move because they think it’s the wrong decision? Or are they trying to keep you around? It can become manipulative.
6. They choose their mental health over burnout
When I was growing up, I saw my parents burn themselves out both at work and in their personal lives. We were close to my extended family, but the expectation to show up for them was often daunting. When we didn’t have enough time in a day to take care of our own problems, it was hard to show up for others. It was a constant cycle of burnout.
One study found that younger adults are more at risk for mental health problems from the state of the world they are living in. While we want to be there for our aging parents, it can be too much at times. Balancing our own work, social, and family life can feel overwhelming. Adding another person’s problems to our plates isn’t always an option. Modern adults are learning the tools it takes to balance mental health and responsibilities.
7. They are reluctant to help financially
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Let’s be real, it’s hard for most modern adults to support themselves, let alone another family member. Staggering inflation has made buying essentials feel impossible as wages fail to reflect this economic change. Often, it’s not that they don’t want to help their parents. They may not be able to. Struggling to keep up with their own finances, they rarely have the capacity to lend a buck to their family.
This can lead to guilt on the child’s part. When our parents do everything they can for us growing up, we want to pay it back. However, we need to enforce boundaries to ensure we can take care of ourselves first in a difficult economy.
8. They make their own decisions without shame
It’s not easy to shake parental expectations. Most of us want to please our parents and make them proud. However, their idea of success or the pressures they place on us can be outdated. We’re living in a completely different social setting now. We need to put ourselves first and make decisions that benefit us.
It’s frustrating to hear our parents tell us what to do when it’s not what we want. Instead, younger generations are setting boundaries with them. They’ll do what they want, whether that’s in their personal lives or how they choose to raise their own children. That boundary can help them relieve the shame of not following what their parents want.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
