Expert Says People Raised By 'Nothing's Ever Good Enough' Parents Often Struggle With 7 Things As Adults
true north.lens | Pexels Every child experiences invalidation growing up. This is natural and unavoidable. But research has suggested some parents take it too far by being overly strict and perfectionistic — the type of parents who raised their kids like nothing was ever good enough. Parenting styles like this have a lasting impact. You end up feeling that nothing was ever good enough and struggle as an adult.
Maybe your parents told you sadness and anger weren’t okay. Maybe they said your emotional responses were incorrect. Maybe they withheld love unless you performed constantly. Whatever happened, it didn’t feel safe. Love was given based on your adherence to arbitrary rules, not given based on your existence.
Here are the eight things people raised by 'nothing's ever good enough' parents often struggle with as adults, according to an expert:
1. Emotional suppression
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Research has shown that the first and most common overarching symptom of having been raised by perfectionistic, nothing-was-ever-good-enough parents is that you will be prone to suppressing your emotions. Whether it’s sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, or any other emotion that is frequently labeled as "negative" in modern society, you will likely have a difficult time accessing certain emotions on a day-to-day basis.
This doesn’t mean those emotions won’t exist in you (they will), it will just mean it’s arduous for you to gain access to feeling your way through them. These chronically suppressed emotions will then turn into sickness, anxiety, depression, or (long-term) diseases like cancer and more severe mental illness.
2. Shame
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The more disconnected you are from feeling your emotions, the more likely you’ll be to turn your less pleasant emotions towards yourself. One study explored how emotional suppression, shame, and self-esteem are intertwined and often lead to depression.
Here’s an example: Say that your parents divorced when you were six years old. Because children are inherently egocentric (they believe that the world revolves around them), you will create a story in which it is your fault that your parents split up. You will then build on that story for years to come and have a deeply permeating sense that you are unlovable and somehow flawed.
This is especially the case in perfectionistic, nothing-was-ever-good-enough households. If there are hundreds of rules of how you’re supposed to behave, and you’re constantly getting in trouble for not adhering to them flawlessly, then there must be something wrong with you (or a lot wrong with you).
3. Perfectionism
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Growing up in a nothing-was-ever-good-enough household with an endless amount of rules for what is right and what is wrong (whether those rules are communicated explicitly or implicitly) is exhausting. If you constantly felt like you were walking on eggshells in your childhood home, the consequences can be quite damaging later in life.
Surprise, surprise, research has found that you will be prone to continuing the generational legacy of perfectionism until you decide to commit to a new path. There is no perfect way to parent. Every parent leaves psychological scars on their kids one way or another. But some parents leave more than others.
4. Chronic stress and physiological tension
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If you’re always trying to do life right, then you’ll always feel on edge, anticipating the next mistake that you’re about to make. That’s where the downward spiral of perfectionism starts. Every mistake that you make will thereby reinforce your sense of inadequacy and imperfection, compelling you to want to do things even more correctly, until you break the pattern.
Perfectionism can affect your cardiovascular health. One study showed how people who strive for perfection can have harmful effects on the body's ability to regulate blood pressure. This was especially true in perfectionists who experienced persistent stress.
5. Difficulty receiving criticism
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Researchers have described how perfectionists have a non-stop self-critical inner dialogue, and those types of people are often raised in homes where nothing ever felt like enough. It’s like having a drill sergeant in your head telling you how to do everything, to avoid being criticized. When someone gives you corrective feedback (or criticism) as an adult, it will be especially difficult to receive if you have perfectionistic parents. Their tone will remind you of your parents, and you will feel more triggered and defensive than if you had grown up in a loving and supportive household.
6. Being a people-pleaser
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By constantly trying to live by your parents' strict standards, you will set yourself up for a long life of living to please others. As you continue to live your life for other people, you will slowly erode your sense of self and slip into a general feeling of malaise. If you had perfectionistic parents, intimacy is going to be especially challenging for you.
Couples counselor Terry Gaspard explained, "While it's admirable to be a caring person, learning to love and respect myself has helped me to set healthy boundaries and to say no without feeling guilty. Women are socialized to be obedient and responsible, which sets the stage for people pleasing. It's natural for girls to grow up feeling that it's desirable to be in a good mood, flexible, and to subordinate their needs to others. Unfortunately, this tendency can set the stage for unhealthy boundaries in relationships. While some men may become people pleasers, it appears more often in women."
7. Difficulty in romantic relationships
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Being in any intimate relationship is an ongoing practice of allowing your self-protective ego to dissolve in order to allow you to get close to someone. The way to feel fulfilled in an intimate relationship is to be with someone you love, trust, and respect, and to let go of control.
You will resent your partner challenging you. You will resent the things they say that you perceive as criticism. You will fear that your partner getting close to you will mean they will witness (and confirm) your fundamentally unlovable nature. A study of negative coping mechanisms explained how people who were raised by parents with unfairly high standards often show defensiveness and stonewalling with their intimate partners.
Again, the way that you succeed in intimacy is by letting go of control and simply allowing your partner to be who they are. It’s therefore understandable that people with perfectionistic parents would have a difficult time allowing themselves to be loved and seen by another.
Life is a joke. A big, messy, chaotic, beautiful joke. Treat it as such. Take yourself less seriously. Laugh more. Love bigger. Be a mess. Your heart, body, and mind will thank you for the shift.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
