11 Things Kids Used To Be Responsible For That Gentle Parents Nowadays Do Themselves
fizkes | Shutterstock Many parents today feel a strong pressure to be "perfect" for their kids, partners, and households, even if it comes at the expense of personal well-being and happiness. They take care of everything for their kids, solve all the problems, and try to teach emotional intelligence by tolerating tantrums, even if it ends up putting more obligations on their plates.
These new obligations and expectations for gentle parents are part of the reason why so many modern caretakers are grappling with burnout, according to psychology professor Annie Pezalla. They not only feel like they're not living up to the impossible "perfect parent" standard, but there are also a number of things kids used to be responsible for that gentle parents nowadays do themselves.
Here are 11 things kids used to be responsible for that gentle parents nowadays do themselves
1. Managing boredom
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Children who learn to manage boredom, entertain themselves, and enjoy their own company end up being more regulated, happy adults, at least according to a study from EMBO Reports. It's a natural human emotion to feel, so even being comfortable sitting with it is important for kids to learn, especially in the years after they leave the house and don't have their parents around anymore.
However, many gentle parents today feel a responsibility to keep their kids busy, engaged, and entertained at all times. They demonize boredom, but instead of giving their kids the tools to fill their own time, they take on that obligation themselves.
2. Regulating tantrums
While old-school parents would immediately put their kids in time-out, have a serious conversation, or discipline their kids in the face of an emotional tantrum, gentle parents often work to "make space" for these complex emotions. However, there's a difference between teaching emotional regulation and letting kids make a scene without ever addressing it.
That's why regulating tantrums and dealing with the discomfort they often cause are some of the things kids used to be responsible for that gentle parents nowadays do themselves. Teaching kids self-awareness and emotional regulation is a fundamental of gentle parenting styles, but these lessons have to be intentional.
3. Managing discomfort
Even when it comes to setting boundaries and household rules, many gentle parents equip their kids with the tools to say "no" when they feel uncomfortable. But sometimes, teaching kids to be comfortable with discomfort is actually the key to setting them up for success.
Instead of taking on the obligation of ensuring they're comfortable all the time by solving problems and urging them to challenge people's boundaries, they should empower them to set their own boundaries and regulate their own emotions. Of course, challenges and discomfort often bring important change and personal development, which can be lost on gentle parents around their kids when they're too focused on rigid, misguided parenting styles.
4. Taking accountability for bad behavior
Even though gentle parenting styles tend to steer clear of traditional discipline, experts like clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn argue that it's still possible to have consequences while being a great, emotional parent. You don't have to tolerate disrespect or too much chaos at home, especially if it means putting your own needs on the back burner.
Gentle parents feel responsible for managing stress and behavior without discipline, but that can often cause more chaos in the long-term than it's worth.
5. Remembering deadlines and homework
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Remembering deadlines, helping with homework, and solving problems for their kids at school are all things kids used to be responsible for that gentle parents nowadays do themselves.
Even if it feels like the right thing to do in the moment, parents with these kinds of overparenting behaviors sabotage their kids' academic success, development, and personal responsibility.
6. Babysitting siblings
With fears of parentifying their kids or putting too much on their plates, many gentle parents today don't leave their kids home at all. They're always around and hiring babysitters, even if an older sibling could use the exposure to independence.
It's one more thing kids used to be responsible for that gentle parents nowadays do themselves, at the expense of their kids' sibling bonds, unsupervised play, and independence.
7. Entertaining themselves
Parental pressures to entertain and fill their kids' time are taking away a lot of the joy old-school children got from unsupervised play and crafty hobbies. Now, they look to their parents or mindless entertainment on their phones to fill their time, instead of going outside, making new friends, and getting creative with cures for boredom.
As adults, chances are it's actually these kids who struggle with being alone. They don't enjoy their own company, have hobbies to fill their time, or the social skills to go out and meet people with support.
8. Doing their own chores
A Harvard study argues that teaching kids to do their own chores is the key to boosting their happiness and general well-being. Not only does it teach them a layer of responsibility that carries over into their adult lives, but it also helps them to regulate their mood and learn to care for themselves, even when a parent isn't around.
However, this is often one of the things kids used to be responsible for that gentle parents nowadays do themselves.
9. Learning lessons from consequences
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According to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, kids with authoritative parents — those who balance warmth and emotional support with discipline and consequences — often grow up to be more empathetic and less aggressive than their counterparts who do not.
So many modern parents adopting gentle parenting mindsets completely demonize discipline, even if their kids are the ones missing out on life lessons from grappling with the discomfort of accepting consequences. Sometimes, sternness and discipline are what kids need to take responsibility for their own behavior and learn to be regulated and empathetic later in life.
10. Problem-solving
Typical, thoughtful, gentle parenting styles are rooted in open communication between kids and their parents, which often creates a collaborative problem-solving environment. However, some parents trying to adopt gentle parenting behaviors forget to find this balance and end up solving all of their kids' problems.
As a result, they take on the obligation of making them comfortable all the time. They don't teach their kids how to be independent later in life, because they're always stepping in to mediate discomfort and solve their kids' problems for them.
11. Self-soothing
Discomfort, challenges, and difficult problem-solving environments are all essential for kids to mediate by themselves. Of course, parents should be willing to offer warmth and emotional support, but if they take on the responsibility for self-soothing themselves, their kids will grow up to be entirely codependent and unregulated.
It's important for children to learn and practice these self-soothing behaviors as early in their lives as they can, so when they're expected to navigate the world on their own, they're not thrown off by signs of stress and uncertainty.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
