Kids Raised In Families That Swept Problems Under The Rug Usually Do 6 Things In Adulthood
ShotPrime Studio | Shutterstock When parents pretend problems don't exist, it models unhealthy coping mechanisms for their kids, who eventually become adults who struggle with accountability and conflict resolution.
Growing up in a family that swept problems under the rug teaches kids to avoid difficult things. That can make relationships hard to navigate. Debt doesn't go away if we ignore the bills in the mail, and neither do hurt feelings when we hide behind fake smiles.
Things adults do when they were raised by parents who pretended problems didn't exist:
1. They avoid confrontation
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Kids who grew up with parents who swept things under the rug usually don’t know how to deal with confrontation. They take any sign of conflict as a sign that they are unsafe.
They would rather stay silent than have an honest conversation. Psychologist Jonice Webb, PhD, explained that we learn our conflict style from our families. “If the members of your family were loud fighters, you may now naturally tend toward aggression. If your family was emotionally neglectful, meaning they tended to avoid emotions or discourage anger, you may have learned that your anger is not legitimate or worthy of expression or that your anger is bad. So, now, you may be more comfortable avoiding conflict whenever possible.”
2. They don't express their feelings to keep the peace
As Webb explained, people who grew up in families that avoided conflict don’t know any different. So, if there is a conflict, they believe that it is best to keep the peace.
This can be very detrimental, however, because keeping the peace is just another way of ignoring your true feelings. That can lead to resentment. Sometimes it is important to confront people if they are doing something to upset you. It is the only way to move on.
3. They don't set or respect boundaries
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Boundaries are important in any kind of relationship. According to Rich Oswald, L.P.C., boundaries are important "for your health and the health of your relationships,” and are “crucial to lowering stress and increasing satisfaction in life, particularly with the responsibilities and tasks in your personal life and work.”
Boundaries are sometimes a foreign concept to adults who grew up in a family that swept problems under the rug, but when you learn how to properly put up boundaries, it will make you significantly better. For example, if you need 30 minutes to yourself when you get home from work, then that’s what you need, no questions asked.
4. They carry hidden resentment
This is something that comes with not making boundaries, at least in my experience. It can feel so easy to say yes to every favor that is asked of you, to the point where we start to resent other people.
The reality is, most people don’t really care. Same thing with not speaking up. If something is bothering you and you don’t say anything, you'll carry a lot of resentment, probably for no reason.
5. They are constantly worried about danger and risk
Hypervigilance is “the feeling of being constantly on guard for the purpose of detecting potential danger, even when the risk of danger is low,” according to doctors Nichole A. Smith, Dexter R. Voisin, Joyce P. Wang, and Elizabeth L. Tung.
It is commonly linked to anxiety disorders and PTSD. What this means is that people who grew up in families that swept things under the rug never learned how to cope with stress and anxiety. As a result, they are always living in survival mode, even when they really don’t need to be.
6. They don't know how to name their emotions
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My therapist used to tell me how important this is. Naming emotions can help a lot with learning how to manage them.
This is an important skill that should be taught to children but sometimes isn’t. Knowing how to name emotions matters as an adult because it helps us manage them and improves our relationships. Being able to communicate what you are feeling helps lower the amount of aggression and anxiety in conversations.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
