Men With Zero Ability To Process Their Emotions Usually Get Angry About 7 Things Instead
New Africa | Shutterstock It can feel very scary when a man, especially your husband or boyfriend, gets mad. But did you know that often when men express anger it's often a cry for help? Our society, unfortunately, teaches boys to shut down their emotions and, as a result, they grow into men who typically struggle to express what they truly mean for fear of looking weak.
This is also because men were never taught to communicate their feelings, so they now lack the emotional vocabulary to effectively do so. This can lead to serious anger issues.
Please understand that violence and cruelty are never acceptable behaviors, and in no way should you tolerate mistreatment from your spouse or partner (or any man). This information is designed to help you understand, not excuse, a man's misplaced anger.
Men with zero ability to process their emotions usually get angry about these things instead:
1. Not getting what he wants or thinks he deserves
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It feels frustrating that when your husband wants affection, he acts defensive and accusatory. "Why don't you ever give me a hug?" he'll snap at you. Hardly makes you feel cuddly toward the man!
But what he's really trying to say is: "I miss hugging you and yearn to have you initiate some long hugs, I would feel so much more connected to you." The solution here is hugging him more often, and looking for moments to share honest, heartfelt affection. And to discuss how his behavior and reaction may be contributing to your withdrawal.
2. Feeling overwhelmed at the end of the day
We all feel weary at the end of the day, sometimes. The problem is, that men sometimes struggle to just own that and say it. So, as the feeling of depletion builds in him, he lashes out, almost helplessly, at anything in sight.
Is it fair? Not in the least.
But, often exhaustion and exasperation lie underneath that snappy after-work outburst. The solution to preventing this is setting up after-work decompression rituals or procedures, as a couple. He gets 15-20 min to change clothes, collect himself, and shift his mindset. Also, agree to a plan for how you'll handle stressed-out days in advance to protect each other from any lashing out.
3. Feeling like he's just a provider or a bank rather than a full person
He snaps at you after you make (what you thought was) a harmless comment. But what you don't realize is that you're possibly the umpteenth person who dissed him this week (or even today). Thus, he's had it and can't take it anymore.
Let him know that, in spite of the anger you feel, you think he's the best man and you're proud of him. Appreciate that he's handling a great deal and show him some appreciation before you ask anything more from him.
4. He's reminded of shame or abandonment in the past.
When he experiences flashbacks of childhood hurt, shame, or abandonment he might respond with anger without realizing why.
Some things that happened to us in our childhood stick with us and flare up when we experience similar situations of embarrassment or feeling powerless. Likely, he's unaware that he's afraid of being abandoned or, like he was when his parents got drunk at the bar and stayed up until all hours, leaving him at home alone at night.
Whatever that hurt was that's showing up again now. Tread lightly in these moments and simply ask if there's anything you can do. Later, when he comes back to himself you can tactfully ask if the experience today reminded him of an experience before and give him room to talk about it if he opens up. Standing up to him in the moment will likely only make things worse, but you can set boundaries compassionately later on.
5. He doesn't know how to ask for what he wants
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If he experienced trauma in the past, the heaviness likely made his logical brain go "offline". When this happens, the ability to attach words to the experience is likely too difficult when he slips back into that state.
Make a pact to talk about it at another time, when the intensity settles back down, and share hunches (but not definite clarity) about what you think he's possibly yearning for in the situation now.
6. He's depressed
Depression is a terrible feeling. It's overwhelming. And your partner may feel powerless to change his situation and yet hate himself for that because "men are not supposed to feel that way."
As his shame grows, his depression deepens and he likely takes his frustration out on you, frustration that may come from fear of what he's feeling and how to handle it.
Offer reassurance that you know the depression feels all-encompassing, but it won't last forever. Brainstorm resources that might help to give him leverage to get going in a new way. Some men might be afraid of going to a therapist for fear of looking weak. Sometimes it can help to use an analogy to a mechanic or a plumber, and that asking for help from someone who is a professional in a specialty is smart rather than a sign of weakness.
7. He feels dismissed or misrepresented
Men often get enraged in this situation. He feels disrespected and unloved, and that combination flares anger and egos in a terrible way.
In this case, the solution is practicing active listening. Reflect back to him the dismay he feels from being overlooked or bypassed. Then, validate that you would feel similarly, in a like situation, or that you can understand how he feels because you know his values or vulnerabilities.
Dr. Jim Walkup helps couples build their relationship to last a lifetime, and has been a marriage counselor for 40 years.
