Research Says Kids Are Surprisingly Fine With Something Parents Worry About Way Too Much
Despite what parents fear, research shows kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for.
Juanmonino | Canva Most parents have experienced that heart-stopping moment when a curse word slips out in front of their kids. If you're anything like me, you've felt the panic of accidentally cursing in front of a child or even a group of young children, and then immediately berated yourself for not having the presence of mind to stop the swear from slipping out.
It could simply be that you're a potty mouth, or perhaps something happened that required something a little more effectual than "Oh gosh darn!", but either way, you've done it. You can watch their eyes grow wide and their mouth curl into a surprised "Ooh!" as they remind you that you've just said a bad word.
While it's true that children learn swear words early in life and acquire 30-40 offensive words by the time they enter school, little scientific data demonstrates that hearing a word in and of itself causes harm. The occasional curse word isn't corrupting your child's development. What matters most is how you handle it and the overall environment of respect and communication you create at home.
Research says kids are surprisingly fine with something parents worry about way too much: hearing you swear.
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Like I didn't know, kid. I'm the one who said it! For me, it would occasionally happen when I was nannying, but I was pretty used to censoring myself at work.
It was the extreme moments that I found myself slipping, like that time a kid rolled over my foot with his bicycle and some other times when I was injured in the line of duty, or even in a blind panic when a kid did something so incredibly stupid and life-threatening that I literally couldn't wrap my head around it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had to save a kid from dangling over the tiled entryway of a second-floor balcony.
Chances are good that whether you curse all the time or just when things really warrant it, you've accidentally said something "inappropriate" in front of a kid. You probably didn't mean to let lose some sailor talk to be absorbed by their sponge-like ears, but once it's there, you're hit with the overwhelming guilt that you've just soiled some innocent's brain with your filth.
But take a moment and step back from your fatalistic edge, friend.
According to Benjamin Bergen, a linguist and professor of cognitive science at UC Davis, you can cuss around your kid as much as you like, because it literally doesn't do anything to them.
Now, we're not talking cussing at your kid — because that is abusive — but saying swear words around them? Go right ahead and paint your world in colorful expletives.
Like many people, Bergen's a parent, and he also found himself putting the proverbial tape over his mouth when his kids were around. However, Bergen is also a scientist, and he had to stop and think, "Does censoring myself really matter in the long run?"
Most parents argue that they don't want to curse around their kids because they don't want a call from the school that little Timmy replied "Eff that!" to his teacher's announcement of a pop quiz, but kids are pretty much going to parrot what they hear, regardless of where they hear it, and Bergen says that "ordinary profanity" ultimately has no direct harm on a child's development.
In his new book, What the F: What Swearing Reveals About Our Language, Our Brains, and Ourselves, Bergen talks about his findings on the true effect of profanity on a child. Bergen determined that children really have no negative experience in hearing their parents, or any other adults, use swear words. The words that really had a negative impact? Slurs.
Insults or mean-spirited remarks about people are actually harmful to a child's development — like firing off every verbal rocket you have at someone who cuts you off in traffic — because these are behaviors they will learn to associate with their own actions in the future, and deem them as acceptable.
You're not going to be able to keep your children from hearing profanity their entire life, but you can explain to them that they shouldn't use those words themselves.
So if you're a potty mouth and you've said the occasional curse word in front of your kid, then chill. It just bleeping happens sometimes, okay?
Dwelling on guilt or overreacting when it happens, use these instances as opportunities to teach your children about context, appropriate behavior, and the importance of apologizing when we make mistakes. Your kids are watching how you handle imperfection far more closely than they're cataloging every word that comes out of your mouth, one study suggested.
Merethe Najjar is a professional writer, editor, and award-winning fiction author. Her articles have been featured in The Aviator Magazine, Infinite Press, Yahoo, BRIDES, and more.
