People Raised By Parents Who Mentally & Emotionally Spoiled Them Say 11 Phrases In Casual Conversation
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva While great parents support their kids building authentic and healthy self-esteem, there are some less-than-stellar parents can have an equally profound yet harmful effect on their children's confidence. In fact, some of the things people say can immediately tell you that this is a person lacking mental and emotional tools, and that it came from their parents spoiling them.
While it’s possible to overcome these challenges and unlearn what they were taught by their misguided parents, acknowledging where you’re still struggling and growing is key, whether what you're working on is increasing your confidence, building better relationships, or improving your professional life.
People raised by parents who mentally and emotionally spoiled them say these phrases in casual conversation:
1. ‘You owe me’
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According to neuropsychologist Julia DiGangi, many adults are unsure of how to cultivate and manage their relationships in a healthy way because the relationship they had with their parents was a transactional one. Their parents were likely hyper-focused on using rewards and punishments to get what they want rather than help their kids build self-esteem and find ways to be proud of themselves for their accomplishments.
In adulthood, phrases like “you owe me” are clear signs that someone is grappling with the entitlement and low self-esteem that a transactional childhood often manifests later in life.
Like many other phrases that immediately tell you that someone wasn’t raised right, this one is a clear example of how your childhood continues to affect you in adulthood.
2. ‘That’s not my fault’
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Learning to take accountability for your mistakes starts early in life by watching parents model this behavior. By genuinely apologizing, owning up to their mistakes, or even just having vulnerable conversations, parents show their children how taking accountability doesn't have to mean sacrificing your self-esteem. In fact, it can help build authentic confidence.
Without this, kids stay stuck in an emotionally taxing cycle of blame-shifting, excuses, and perpetual victimhood that looks an awful lot like spoiled and bratty behavior in adults. And that's not good for anyone.
According to a study published in the Journal of Business Ethics, learning accountability also sets adult children up for personal growth and success. This gives them the power to wield responsibility over crafting professional success, healthy habits, and a more positive mindset as they navigate the world.
3. ‘I don’t need to be nice, it’s their job’
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There’s arguably no more unsettling sign of a person who was emotionally spoiled than a phrase like this. When someone is consistently rude and ungrateful towards service workers like a barista at their favorite coffee shop or a grocery store clerk, other adults lose trust and start to see them as just plain spoiled.
According to psychology professor Melanie Morrison, many people who are rude to service workers subconsciously view them as a “scapegoat” for their daily stressors and anxieties. Rather than coping with their frustrations, stress, or emotional turmoil before going to the grocery store or talking to a customer service representative, a foundational skill that great parents spend a lot of time teaching their children, they let it all out on a service worker at the smallest inconvenience.
They view service workers as inherently less worthy of kindness, attention, and respect, so they feel much more empowered to use phrases like this to justify their misguided beliefs.
4. ‘You sound so crazy’
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Many of the phrases that immediately tell you that someone wasn’t raised right revolve around boundaries. Not only do these misguided adults constantly disrespect other people’s clear boundaries and expectations, but they often thrive in toxic relationships where they never have to set any for themselves.
Great parents teach their children how to set and respect boundaries, but adult children who grew up without that modeled behavior tend to tolerate and perpetuate misbehavior in their relationships. They feel entitled to own every narrative and win every argument, and if they need to call someone crazy to do it, they will.
By sparking self-doubt in others, urging them to question their realities, and letting down their boundaries and defensive walls, gaslighters can disrespect people without reservation, sometimes in ways that are entirely unsuspecting and subtle to the victim.
5. ‘Oh yeah, I did that, too ... forever ago’
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Many people who are fueled by external validation or attention-seeking behavior were raised poorly, needing to transactionally seek positive affection from their parents or fulfill their own needs in the wake of an absent parent. They use phrases like this to one-up other people, trying to assert themselves as the center of attention in a way that they were never able to in their childhood homes.
While these unmet needs and toxic family dynamics are the root cause of attention-seeking behavior, the low self-esteem, poor communication skills, and inherent envy that follow these children into adulthood is what fuels phrases like this.
6. ‘You'll never understand’
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Without their parents' modeling healthy communication styles and habits, people will struggle to explain and understand others.
A phrase that immediately tell you someone's emotions were overly-indulged is "you don't understand". Of course, there are times when people won't understand you and it's OK to say that. But you'll find that people whose parents spoiled them often say it before even trying to explain or connect.
According to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network, many adult children from tumultuous backgrounds struggle to verbalize, acknowledge, and regulate their own emotions; making communication in the present moment incredibly difficult. In arguments, their emotions feel all-consuming, so they’re constantly trying to push them away or cope with them by growing angry or aggressive.
Adult children with great parents take the time to acknowledge and address their emotions and oftentimes, they have the communication skills to talk through them with other people in the moment, rather than isolating and trying to cope with them behind closed doors.
7. ‘That’s not my problem’
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One of the core values and tenets of the best parenting styles is empathy, teaching kids to consider others, even when they don't understand what someone's going through from first-hand experience. Occasionally this means that we put our needs on the back burner to help others struggling.
While research has found that certain traumatic childhood experiences can lower a person’s threshold for empathy and give them more space to understand other perspectives, many of the people who dismiss others were simply mentally and emotionally spoiled by their parents. They weren't held accountable for their choices or expected to use empathy at all.
Rather than open themselves up to helping others, putting their own needs aside, they feel an innate pressure to control. They avoid situations where they’re encouraged to empathize with others for the sake of their own all-encompassing control.
8. ‘That’s not fair’
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Many people who learned an entitlement mentality very early in life are more willing to assume everything should always go their way. So it's not surprising that this is one of the phrases that immediately tells you someone's parents spoiled them, both mentally and emotionally.
Not only do they throw emotional temper tantrums when they don’t get their way, which is strange for an adult, but they may not even view themselves as the person in control of their success, which is honestly sad.
Rather than take accountability or commit to controlling their responses when life changes happen unexpectedly, they blame others for the unpredictability of life. This is ultimately a disempowered way to live, one that keeps you feeling like a victim no matter what happens.
9. ‘I don’t know how to do that’
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People who were spoiled by their parents have learned that claiming ignorance gets them out of responsibilities. They're asked to clean up their dishes by their roommates and they say, "Oh I don't know where these go in the dishwasher" and use that as an excuse to simply not clean up after themselves.
Usually that's because they've found it to be effective in the past. Likely, their parents said, "I'll just do it for you, then!" and now they use it as a tactic. But healthy adults find a a way to solve a problem first, before asking for help. And when help is offered, they say, "Oh, no, I'll do it, I just want to make sure I do it right" rather than handing the task over.
This phrase is an example of “weaponized incompetence” at home, where people and partners use their ignorance or lack of motivation to encourage others to do things for them. For example, they may use this phrase, to avoid doing it themselves, suggesting their partner is better at doing something like the dishes.
10. ‘I’m sorry’ (over and over and over again)
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Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D., writes that many people raised by a highly critical or toxic parent adopt more insecure and anxiety-driven mentalities later in life. Not only do they feel the need to over-apologize even when they’re not wrong, but they also tend to people-please in order to make others feel more comfortable or to avoid conflict or rejection.
While it’s certainly not their fault they feel driven to explain themselves or put other people’s needs ahead of their own, it’s an important behavior to acknowledge, especially for adult children who want to heal from their childhood and gain an advantage to form healthier, more stable, and fulfilling relationships later in life.
The over-apologizing can also happen when someone is spoiled by their parents, and in those cases the apologies are false or out of desperation. They say "I'm sorry!" like they're shocked you aren't just forgiving them, as if you should now apologize to them for them having to apologize! Just another manipulation from someone whose parents didn't equip them for the mental and emotional responsibilites of adulthood.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
