Mentally & Emotionally Insecure Parents Often Say 7 Deeply Hurtful Things In Conversations About Their Kids
Nicoleta Ionescu | Shutterstock Parenting is very difficult and every parent has a different style. Some try to be more strict, others more relaxed, and there are pros and cons to every approach, with parents who earn authentic authority from their kids finding the best balance.
When a parent is emotionally insecure, it will show up in subtle ways, such as how they talk about their kid when they’re not present and how they choose to frame the unique traits of each child. Here are some of the hurtful things parents like this they may say when talking about their kid.
Mentally & emotionally insecure parents often say 7 deeply hurtful things when talking about their kids:
1. Rude things disguised as jokes
Emotionally insecure parents often use their kids as the punchline of a joke even though it’s not really funny. Emily King, a Psychologist who specializes in young children and adolescents says that “disparaging-for-humor-value” is worrisome because “using humor to minimize kids’ challenging behavior reinforces the idea that children act a certain way just to be difficult.”
Even though there isn’t always ill-intent to these jokes, it shows that a parent is insecure. They don’t know how to make a joke or socialize with other adults without putting their kids down.
It is also just uncomfortable for other people if a parent starts making jokes at their kids expense. Of course, when balanced by the same parent being clearly absolutely in love with their kids and also sharing authentically positive information about their kids, it can come off as funny. But that's a tough balance to strike for parents hwo are emotionally insecure.
2. Unkind labels that tend to stick
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It’s one thing to call your child an unfavorable nickname as a joke, but it’s another thing to call them that in front of other people or to give them a label that sticks. For example, calling your kids “lazy” or “feral” to other people does nothing but disparage them.
In an online forum for moms, parents explain how there are some things that feel OK to say about your child, but not if other people call them that. Calling your kids “free birth control” or maybe making fun of a physical mark of theirs seems fine when it’s from the parent because it comes out of love, but if somebody else calls them that, then that’s just bullying.
Parents who lack emotional intelligence sometimes forget that kids will often live down to the low expectations of their parents. If parents say things like "he's anti-social" or "he can be a total bully" they are basically telling their kid which behaviors they expect. And why, then, would any kid try to do better and make positive change? His or her parent will always see them as that one thing, right?
3. Stories that air their kid's private business
Another way insecure parents try to make conversation is by airing their children’s business. This takes the form of talking about their past potty training mistakes, their classroom crush and even the results of their ADHD or autism diagnostic tests.
Don’t get me wrong, people need to get advice from somebody, and it's good to share what makes your life as a parent less-than-perfect so people don't feel so alone. However, there is a difference between telling everyone at a dinner party about your son’s bully just to make conversation, and going to your best friend for advice on how to handle the situation. Insecure parents use their kids as gossip. Although you are going to want to talk about your kids, gossiping about them makes them lose trust with you. It also damages their self-image.
4. Complaints about parenting
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Don’t get me wrong, parenting is the hardest (and often the most important) job in the world. Of course you are going to want to complain and you should have an outlet to vent when you need to! It's understandable.
The difference between healthily venting to your friends and family and complaining to acquaintances is huge, though. When you complain about parenting when your kids are out of earshot, it makes them feel like a burden. Susan Gelman, psychologist at the University of Michigan who studies the relationship between language and thought says that “Kids take words very seriously, and young kids aren’t very good at detecting sarcasm or irony,” says Gelman.
If you aren't careful, kids will hear your complaints and internalize them. Parenting is challenging, but when you decided to have children, you made a choice to do that job. Making the kid feel guilty for what you committed to is only going to blow up in a parent's face.
5. Negative sibling comparisons
This one can hurt a lot for children. Parents naturally compare siblings, such as which pregnancy was easier and which kid slept better. It can even be healthy, such as if one child started walking at 14 months, parents might start looking for signs of walking around a similar time. As long as parents don't value one child's traits or accomplishments over the other, it's pretty benign.
However, it gets unhealthy once those kids get older and start to develop and display unique personalities.
Psychologist Alex Jensen conducted a study on how sibling comparison affects children. He found that parents typically favor older children and daughters over sons. When a child feels like their not the “favorite” it can lead to damaging mental health concerns, such as depression, anxiety, lower academic performance, and higher levels of isolation. Insecure parents tend to compare their children the way they would compare themselves to their siblings. However, it's important to break the cycle.
6. Descriptions of traits that are negative that could be framed positively
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Every child is different. No child is going to be completely on-track or have perfect behavior and grades. Great parents don't even start expecting those things.
Emotionally insecure parents care too much about what people think about their children or their parenting techniques, so they tend to place a lot of pressure on their children. They make fun of any of their faults and try to make them as socially agreeable as possible. For example, if their kid likes art more than science, they view that as a failure rather than a personality trait.
A child who is highly social may be called a chatterbox instead of a highly verbal, for instance. A kid who is more quiet or shy may be called a loner by an insecure parent, when they could be reframed as more cautious or more of a deep thinker than a joiner.
Reframing how they name traits can help kids see what's good about their unique traits, rather than feel themselves being devalued.
7. Jokes or criticiques of their child's appearance
Since insecure parents want their children to be perfect, this unfortunately applies to their physical appearance as well. They might make fun of their appearance when their kid isn’t around, either to make conversation or while trying to get ahead of a joke.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says that she doesn’t comment on her kid’s appearance. “It isn’t a brilliant idea for a child’s self-worth to be linked to how they look, and that constantly telling your daughter how pretty she is doesn’t, in the long term, do her any favors, because self-worth comes from what’s going on inside,” she says.
A child cannot control their appearance most of the time, nor should they be worried about it beyond practicing good hygiene and wearing appropriate clothing. Yes, some kids will care about being cute or pretty and/or choose outfits based on style and fashion, but many simply won't. Both are perfectly fine!
Making fun of a kid's appearance becomes even more damaging when parents make fun of things they cannot easily change, like their body type, height, weight, hair color and texture, or acne. It's cruel for a bully to do this, and it's absolutely inhuman when it's a parent. But insecure parents may not be mature enough to recognize the damage they are causing.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
