Kids Raised By Parents Who Make These 5 Mistakes Often Spend Years Rebuilding Their Confidence
aleksey ivashin | Shutterstock Parents compare kids to each other because it's human nature to compare. Comparison is wired into our biological brains. Our minds are continually working to sort and problem-solve. Unfortunately, comparison is a tactic used to make logical decisions and gain value in our lives. And comparing our children not only leads to sibling rivalry but can also give kids confidence issues later in life, even if it's not your intention.
Kids raised by parents who make these mistakes often spend years having confidence issues:
1. They send subliminal negative messages to their kids
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Building confidence in kids can be tricky. Kids can see through the veil of authenticity and truth. These silent messages are sent unwittingly.
The dad on the soccer field smiles and cheers when his kid’s best friend steals the ball and breaks away down the field. At the end of the game, he tousles his kid’s damp head and says, “Good game, Colin.”
Only Colin knows, and feels, that that is empty praise because he witnessed his dad cheering for Jason, his best friend.
To combat this, develop a conscious awareness of your behavior when your kid is in a group of their peers. Even though your stomach lurches a bit when the same (other) kid is also lauded for being the valedictorian, MVP, and community service winner, resist the dangerous urge to compare.
Pause and redirect your own inner thoughts to the blocked kick on goal that Colin masterfully executed, and praise the heck out of that.
2. Parents who raise kids with confidence issues rarely match their child's energy
Your kids pick up on your positive and negative energy. If one child is more outgoing than their sibling, a parent with the same energy type may respond more fluidly and animatedly than to the child who is more reserved. The quieter child could erroneously perceive this "lessened energy" as less loving.
To stay aware of your kids' energy type, know the Myers-Briggs and the personality preferences of your children. When you have this knowledge, you can adapt and even customize your responses to your child, which will open a deep and loving connection for all of you.
3. They give empty compliments
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Picture a child overhearing their parent gush to another adult about a sibling’s accomplishment, followed by crickets when it's their turn. Wracking their brain to find something worthwhile to mention to their friend, they come up with a generic three-word platitude like "Kylie is great." And then the parent immediately shifts the conversation.
To avoid empty compliments, pick three things about your child that you find amazing to remind yourself and others of why you are so proud and inspired by your child. Repeat often.
4. They ask, 'Why can't you be more like your sibling?'
This is one of the most damaging questions a parent can ask their child. Not only does it lay a thick foundation for low self-worth for your child, it can also evoke resentment and even contempt toward the sibling.
To avoid making unrealistic comparisons, be "positivity spotters." Practice in a mirror, if you have to, but never utter these five words: "Why can’t you be like…?"
Instead, replace these five words with these five: "I’m so proud of you…"
Embrace the individuality of your children and others (whether cousins or peers), and talk openly about the uniqueness of your children, without labels or judgments. Be an "attribute detective" and celebrate your children’s uniqueness.
5. Parents like this treat their kids differently based on age or gender
Many parents do not realize that they project age and gender prejudices onto their offspring. Birth order and gender should have no bearing on family harmony. Yet, often, age and gender threaten to dismantle a family’s well-being.
For example, the baby of the family might think: "If I were the firstborn, Mom or Dad wouldn't place these comparisons on me." Or, "I can’t possibly do what William III accomplished, so I won’t even try."
Or, your firstborn son might say, "Lexi gets away with everything because she's a girl."
To stay neutral regarding age and gender, make a parenting plan that you will follow, where you have outlined the healthy structures you want in your family life. Be mindful of birth order assumptions. Understand where you might be projecting your own assumptions and judgments onto your children.
Be aware of gender inequities, where devaluation and deprivation occur. Education and awareness are the first step to thwarting comparison weeds from overtaking your family’s figurative garden. Building self-esteem and confidence in all your kids means recognizing the strengths of each child and tapping into what makes them shine.
Poppy and Geoff Spencer, M.S., CPC, are counselors, nationally syndicated writers, and relationship and parenting experts, certified in Myers-Briggs (personality). Poppy and Geoff are a highly credentialed husband-and-wife team who have made it their life’s passion to help people immediately identify and address communication barriers.
