If I'd Known These 10 Harsh Truths Before Having Babies, It Could Have Actually Made Life A Whole Lot Easier
Vladimirova Julia | Shutterstock Being a new mom is amazing. But it can also be scary and exhausting and confusing. I worried a lot, wondering, Am I normal? Am I doing OK? 21 years after my first baby was born, I now believe that if I'd known a few of the harshest truths before I had my babies, life would've been easier.
As a veteran mom who has gone through labor, delivery and the newborn phase with three kids who are now 21, 18 and 8, I want to share some of these most important (but harsh) truths about having babies. Knowing these just might help you enjoy this phase even more.
If I'd known these 10 harsh truths before having babies, it would have actually made life a whole lot easier
1. You don't have to wear makeup or be 'cute' after birth
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Forget Princess Kate. Nobody looks like that after giving birth unless they have a team of stylists, makeup artists, and hairdressers on call in the delivery room. Your job right now is adjusting to life with a baby and figuring out how to do stuff, like go to the bathroom with a squirming, screaming newborn in your arms.
These days, with so many women putting on a full face of makeup when they go into labor so their photos look good, it can feel like a lot of pressure. If your makeup smears (it probably will) or you sweat it off (also likely), you might be distracted by having to fix it instead of focusing on your fresh-from-the-oven baby.
When I gave birth to my oldest child 21 years ago, delivery room makeup was a very rare occurrence. I looked absolutely brutal after 30 hours of labor, but I adore the rawness of the photos. I wouldn't change that realness for the world.
2. It might not feel like the most magical time of your life
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I know veteran moms often say that the first few months of your baby's life are magical, but that's might be because all we remember from that time is that cute little newborn curl and that our babies were too young to sass back.
I remember my oldest son crying for hours before we knew he was allergic to milk proteins. I was walking him in a stroller, trying to settle him down, when a neighbor in her 50s said, "You need to treasure this time, it's so magical! You'll miss it!" and I just wanted to scream. It didn't feel special or magical. I felt like a failure.
Having a newborn is a gift, but the truth is that we all have a hard time when our babies first came home. Yes, all these years later, I long for just one extra day with each of my babies when they were newborns, but I'm also glad those long nights and mysterious scream-fests are over.
You'll get through it. And it's OK if it doesn't feel magical while you're in it.
3. Your parts need time to heal
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If you delivered the old fashioned way, your parts down below are going to be a mess. That's how it is. Unless you're brave or morbid, just put the hand mirror away and leave it be while your body goes through all the postpartum stages.
Take showers and wash your parts. Hoard those icy pads that make you forget the physics-defying feat you just completed. Take your painkillers as prescribed and drink lots of water.
Time heals, and until then just remember that your body created and birthed a whole entire new human being. It's not going to look the same (at least not for a while) and that's actually a good thing.
4. People love giving new moms alarming or incorrect advice
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Whether it's a mommy-and-me class full of perfectionists who look down their noses at you or your mother-in-law who thinks you're doing everything wrong, honor your right to feel good about who you are as a new mom. Those people act like they know exactly what's right for you, and often they're wrong.
Sure, there are times when you should listen. Fellow moms are often one of the best sources for advice, and true friends will tell you the truth if what you're doing is dangerous or self-defeating. One friend of mine kindly pointed out that baby's car seat was installed correctly and not at all safe. At first I bristled, but then I realized she was right!
The people who make you feel like garbage, who elevate themselves as better than you, will never change your life for the better. Seek out a mommy-and-me group that feels like home or call a trusted old friend to touch base and find reassurance.
5. You might act like jerk and/or cry for literally no reason
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Your life is about your baby right now. You're probably not sleeping. Maybe you're settling into nursing and you're learning how to live a different type of life. Pregnancy leaves you with a lot of hormones, and you're much more prone to mood swings. You might cry and doubt yourself in ways you've never experienced.
Things are weird, and you might not react the best way to people you care about. Try not to be a total jerk to people you love, but forgive yourself if you snap. Put into context for people that this is a crazy time in life and tell them you appreciate their support. Apologize if you must, and forgive yourself, too.
If things get too bad, or if you worry about harming baby, call your doctor. There are relatively easy treatments that will help you feel better.
6. Your life will be forever different
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You're a mom now. Things are going to be different from this day on. Trying to hang onto your pre-baby independence, your pre-baby body, or your pre-baby sense of the world is futile.
That doesn't mean it will be easy. Yes, the most beautiful change is the presence of this tiny gift of a human being. But please expect that your identity will shift, and that's rarely a smooth process.
Change, when dressed in a tiny little onesie and a knit cap, can be a beautiful (even when it's scary) thing.
7. 'Activities' might not happen easily or quickly
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Your doctor will probably clear you for physical activities around eight weeks postpartum, but that doesn't mean you'll be ready. And that's okay. A study from 2022 found that many women aren't ready to be intimate after the 8-week mark.
Your hormones are still settling in, and hormones are a big part of our desire and intimate response. Nursing may delay the return of that loving feeling, too.
Be good to yourself, honor your desires (or lack thereof), and ask your partner to be understanding. If you still feel cold as ice after six months, talk to your doctor.
8. Nursing your baby might not work for you
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Do your best at nursing if that's what you've chosen. If you're struggling but want to continue, see if you can meet with a lactation consultant recommended by your pediatrician or find a nursing mom's support group. Even some of the help online can be useful, as long as it's content overseen by certified professionals.
But if breastfeeding isn't working for you, that's okay. While mother's milk is still considered the gold standard, the American Academy of Pediatrics (and so many other organizations!) insist your baby will be fine on formula. Nobody knows your body and mind like you do. Do what's best for you and your child.
9. The "get your body back" hype is trash
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Heidi Klum may have walked the runway a couple of months after her baby was born, and there are influencers everywhere showing a "perfect" flat tummy while holding a weeks-old infant. But you and I are not Heidi Klum and those influencers are editing their photos, exaggerating angles, or rare genetic anomalies. We're everyday women living everyday lives, and we're good enough.
Want a great post-baby body? You've got it! Look down at your body right now. That right there is a great post-baby body. It had a baby and is caring for it. That's enough.
Your post-baby body may be new to you and feel foreign, but it's a beautiful miracle of nature, and you deserve to feel proud of it. So throw away the trashy mags that insist you need to "bounce back." The only bouncing you need to be doing right now is with your baby on your hip.
Take it from a menopausal mom of three: your body is going to change a few more times even if you "get your body back" after this baby. You'll gain and lose, you'll age, you'll go through perimenopause and menopause. Someday, you'll be an old lady.
Nothing stays the same, not even our bodies. And that's actually a good thing.
10. 'Boys are easier' is a total myth
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My boys started experiencing gendered expectations basically the moment they were born. People called him "big guy" and "tough guy" and told me they'd grow up to be "ladies men". At this time, they couldn't walk, talk, wipe their own bums. And it's not just me. The University of Sussex reported that boys face gender stereotypes as early as 3 months old!
"Boys are harder to parent than girls when they're little, but easier when they're older" and I believed it for years. My boys were active and busy, and I sometimes envied the moms with girls, who sat quietly colored in coloring books.
Then I had a girl, raised all three of them, and learned that each and every kid brings their own easy and hard elements to pretty much every phase of life. I also wrote a whole book about raising boys based on expert advice and realized that people call boys "easy" because they don't parent them as closely as they do girls.
I wish I'd known this reality before I had my babies. Your boys are sensitive and strong, and so are your girls. And each and every one of the babies you have will be unique, surprising human beings.
Joanna Schroeder is a writer, editor, and media critic. Her book, Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men is a USA Today national bestseller and Amazon Editor's Pick. She's a mom to three kids ages 8 to 21 and wouldn't change a thing.
