If Your Husband Says 11 Things On A Regular Basis, He Was Likely Raised By Terrible Parents
we.bond.creations | Shutterstock If you're married to a man who was raised by terrible parents, you likely feel the effects daily. He may be highly sensitive or he may be one of those angry, reactive guys. Regardless of how it manifests, the things he says reflect the unstable or upsetting ways he was parented.
It’s impossible to ignore the impact that childhood experiences and trauma have on your adult experience. According to a report published in the BMC Public Health Journal, it’s not uncommon for these experiences to linger in adult children later in life (negative and positive), affecting their ability to form meaningful relationships, take care of their physical and emotional well-being, and even cope with stress. Given your husband's childhood, it's no surprise he says these 11 things, even today.
If your husband says 11 things on a regular basis, he was likely raised by terrible parents
1. ‘I’m fine’
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A great deal of men deal with a ton of pressure to be tough and not talk about their feelings. Despite the fact that experts say boys should be encouraged to express a wide range of emotions, too many were forced believe they're a weakness. Because of this, many men enter into marriages suppressing their emotions and carrying around a lot of unnecessary resentment and anger.
Saying things like, “I’m fine” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” when asked how they're feeling, sometimes they don't have the slightest clue what vulnerability really looks like.
If your husband regularly denies having any sort of emotional depth, it's highly lightly he was raised by terrible parents. While there are always exceptions, usually this happens because his parents scared him out of expressing feelings and the adaptive child inside of him shut them down in order to feel safe.
While a spouse may want to "fix" a husband who is this shut down, it's really the husband's job to do the work. But the spouse can create a home and relationship where big feelings like crying or expressing fear are OK. Beyond that, he will need to heal and shut down that adaptive childhood response and become the healthy man he was meant to be.
2. ‘It’s not a big deal’
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According to a study published in the Behavior Therapy journal, people who experience childhood trauma tend to struggle with specific barriers around social interactions and relationship building later in life. This is very much in part because they were taught to minimize their feelings and suppress complex emotions.
Often, men who weren’t taken seriously by their parents or faced some anger or punishment from their parents for expressing these emotions struggle to understand their own feelings, let alone express them. So, when husbands who use phrases like “it’s not a big deal” (even when you both know it's a very big deal) likely are scared of being harmed if they admitted their fear or sadness.
3. ‘You’re overreacting’
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Kids typically build their social skills and learn how to interact with other people from their parents. Toxic, emotionally stunted parents who rely on behaviors like gaslighting or blame-shifting to get what they want, encourage their kids to adopt similar habits. They may dismiss authentic and justified emotions because that's exactly what their parents did.
Of course, healthy relationships are founded on healthy, honest communication. If your partner isn’t able to be vulnerable, actively listen when you need support, or express emotions, it might be time to acknowledge the root issues and it's likely they circle back to his parents.
4. ‘I guess I’m just a bad husband’
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Many men were raised by terrible parents in a harsh household were taught that making mistakes or doing something wrong made them a failure, despite the fact that experts insist teaching kids how to fail is key to healthy development.
Sadly, their parents never took the time to teach them why they were bad or help them learn from their mistakes, either, so they were left to worry and fret over how to avoid trouble again. Conflict and arguments can be especially triggering in adulthood, urging husbands and partners to resort to that anxious mentality when they feel they’ve done something wrong.
Ironically, the overly dramatic response, "I guess I'm a bad husband" to something like a simple request for an apology or explanation of a mistake made by him proves just how emotional he is inside, even if he denies it when it's time to talk about his feelings. That doesn't excuse this behavior, but it does explain why so many husbands do this.
5. ‘You sound just like my mom’
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Your husband’s parents were probably toxic if he uses phrases like “you sound just like my mom!"
Why? When a man talks disparagingly about his mom and then uses that against his partner, he likely had terrible parents who modeled disrespect and didn't teach him how to treat his partner.
Often, children who grew up in toxic or unstable homes often live in a state of hightened reactivity where their nervous system is always on guard for potential threats. In adulthood, even minor things can trigger their nervous system back into that defensive mode, making them less vulnerable, more avoidant, and even angry.
They can serve as a reminder of the unnecessary and misguided judgment, deceit, and criticism their parents gave to them growing up, making certain phrases and language feel unsuspectingly triggering with a new partner.
6. ‘Just tell me what to do’
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There are a few ways men might say "just tell me what to do" and one of them is a sign he was raised by terrible parents.
First, this may be his best way to ask how to be supportive. While some say that adds to a wife's mental load, it's likely this is the best way he knows to show his support.
Second, he may have learned from watching his father that it's a great way to pretend to be helpful while banking on the fact that the spouse will be too busy or stressed to manage him anyway.
The saddest one of these options is the third, where a man spent his childhood concerned with his toxic parents’ wants and needs more than their own. In this way, he becomes parentified, trying to manage a parent's feelings while being scared to make a mistake.
Regardless of why, this is a problem that can often be solved with a simple conversation (or a few), despite the fact that his parents spent a lifetime instilling this bad habit.
7. ‘I didn't mean to!'
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Many kids who were raised by terrible parents were screamed at or shamed when they made a mistake. Sometimes this happened even when they didn't make a mistake, leading to a sense that anything could happen at any time and a tendency to over-explain.
In their marriages, having a partner who expresses their needs and points out misbehavior often feels like a personal attack, bringing them right back to their childhood tendencies of defensiveness or avoidance. A casual argument can feel overwhelming, even if the partner seeks support or a chance to grow together and, in no way, intends the conversation to be an attack.
When a husband in this situation knows he did something wrong, instead of taking accountability, he may regress to a childhood mentality and say, "I didn't mean to!" as if he doesn't have the free will and agency of a grown man. While it's frustrating, it's possible for this pain to be healed in therapy or personal work, and well worth exploring to build a lasting relationship.
8. ‘Let’s just drop it’
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For husbands who had awful parents, it’s not uncommon to use phrases like “let’s just drop it” in an argument to avoid conflict. Considering conflict was a threat for danger at home growing up, similar conversations and debates in their marriages feel threatening, sparking anxiety over deep-rooted fears of abandonment, judgment, or rejection.
However, healthy arguments are possible, the right kinds of conflict are essential for growth and trust in a marriage. The famous Gottman Institute even goes so far to say that conflict is "part of your happily ever after"!
While taking a break when things get heated is healthy, giving people time to calm down and remember their kindess, when a husband actively avoids these conversations and tries to avoid expressing emotions, healthy communication cannot happen. Those breaks to cool down are pauses, not cancellations, of conversations.
9. ‘Are you mad at me?’
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According to psychologist Geralyn Dexter, the behaviors and habits modeled by toxic parents early in adulthood tend to feed into adult children’s fears of abandonment and rejection. Sadly, these feelings can follow them even in their marriages and long-term relationships as adults.
This is the same reason why many children with childhood trauma rooted in the behaviors of their parents adopt people-pleasing tendencies. They’ve been taught to protect the peace at home and avoid any behaviors or conversations that could lead to anger. They silently tiptoed around home, trying to read their family's faces and tone in order to know who was angry and who was safe.
In their marriages, husbands with toxic parents may use phrases like “Are you mad at me?” when they notice a shift in their partner’s energy. They’re less attuned to their own emotions and behaviors, but incredibly aware and hyper-vigilant toward others, crafting an unhealthy balance where their needs and desires are often unfulfilled.
10. ‘Why are you always blaming me?’
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Healthy communication strategies can often feel uncomfortable for men who were raised by toxic or neglectful parents. They're always expecting someone to scream at them or to leave, so even expressions of emotions or casual arguments spark a sense of anxiety inside them, encouraging them to retreat or get angry at their partners.
When this happens, they will likely use an absolute phrase, like "you always do this" or "you never do that", which are technically untrue or even impossible. But, to them, it feels real because of their terror of harming their attachment.
It’s often impossible for one person to bear the burden of responsibility for an unhealthy partnership — it’s a two-way street where both spouses play a role in crafting the dynamic. However, for husbands with childhood trauma, any discussion about misbehavior or growth feels like a personal attack, because growing up with their parents, it was.
11. ‘Crying doesn’t fix anything’
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If a man says a phrase like this, it's likely he was raised under the "boys don't cry" philosophy, which experts say can be deeply harmful. Men raised by insufficient and harmful parents tend to demonize emotional expression and vulnerability. They learn the false belief that, as men, they should avoid crying, expressing their emotions, or even admitting when they’re hurt, for the sake of their misguided masculinity.
While this might feel like a protective measure or a defense mechanism growing up, it can quickly sabotage the health and well-being of long-term relationships in adulthood. Not only does it sabotage clear and healthy communication, but it also sparks division between partners who are now unable to express their needs or have productive arguments without demonizing each other’s emotions.
So, when a man says, "Crying doesn't fix anything" after pushing away his feelings, he's likely telling you the truth to the best of his ability. He doesn't think it does, because he hasn't yet experienced what it's like to be honest and vulnerable, and still have your love by your side tomorrow.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
